Board of Dreams

Hi team!

I've just sent this sit-com off to the writers room (anyone know if they're any good, btw), but thought I'd paste pages 7-10 (of 23) here for some feedback.

The style is supposed to be cliched and dramatic. I want to make a darts sitcom like a big sports film. High emotion! High Drama! High there!

It was all beautifully formatted on the original doc but I think it's gone a bit crazy during the copy and paste.

Anyway here's few pages.

Daytime: A montage of Billy asking around pubs and clubs – showing people a picture obviously searching for someone. Finally someone does a vague nod and Billy excitedly questions him. We then see Billy arrive at a seemingly deserted house. The door is ajar, Billy walks into the house.

Billy
Hello! Hello is anyone here?

After a moment a big (fat) man comes out of the shadows (like Brando in Apocalypse Now). He is wearing a grubby t-shirt with 'Big Pete' written on it.

Big Pete
What do you want?

Billy
(gulping) I'm looking for big Pete Barrow. I guess my search is over.

Big Pete
(pause) you could say that. Big Pete is dead (the man realises he's wearing the t-shirt). In fact, it's the 3 year anniversary of his death today. That's why I'm wearing this t-shirt.

Billy
As, like a homage?

Big Pete
Yes that's right, so you came here for nothing.

Billy
That's a shame friend. (he turns to go) What's your name by the way?

Big Pete
Big Pete-(correcting himself) Big Peter

Billy
Big Peter?

Big Pete
Yes

Billy
Not Big Pete?

Big Pete
No, not Big Pete at all. (squinting at Billy) Who are you anyway?
Billy
People call me Billy Carlisle.

Big Pete
Why's that?

Billy
Because it's my name.

Big Pete
Wait a minute. You used to be a darts team manager.

Billy
I'm coming back. I assume you've seen this (he throws the newspaper over to Big Pete)
Big Pete
I don't have too much contact with the outside world these days (he picks up the paper. His eyes widen as reads) My Good God.

Billy
Yes Big Peter. I'm getting a team together and we are going to take The Percy White Mixed Amateur National Darts Team Tournament by storm. The heats are coming up and I wanted Big Pete to be a part of it. A big part. I guess I was 3 years too late. (he turns to leave)

Big Pete
Wait! (pause) I'm Big Pete.

Billy
(pause) Not big Peter?

Big Pete
No.

Billy
But I thought you said-

Big Pete
Look forget what I said. You've found him. You've found Big Pete. Now what have you got to say to him-me.

Billy
Well, you've read the article, Big Pete. You see, me and you, we're not so different. Both of us had promising careers cut short by tragedy. Tragedy of a different kind (pause) I know what you've been through. It's time to come back.

Big Pete
I can't Billy-

Billy
Please, call me Mr Carlisle.

Big Pete
I can't Mr Carlisle, I've been away too long. I haven't picked up a dart in a while. When I said Big Pete had been dead for 3 years I wasn't lying.

Billy
So you're not Big Pete?

Big Pete
No, I am. I just meant that the darts playing Big Pete has gone. But it wasn't that clear when I said it.

Billy
I don't believe in coincidences Big Pete. I believe in opportunities and this (hold up the paper) is an opportunity. A great one. It's time to exorcise your demons. (pause) I know about your addiction, your fall from grace. You've been wallowing for too long. It's time for your re-entry into the world of darts. Sure you'll be rusty after 3 years. Hell who wouldn't be. But think on this I've been away from darts for 6 years, now I'm itching to get back in the game.
Big Pete
I'm sorry Mr Carlisle. Now's not a good time for me right now.

Billy
Big Pete (Big Pete looks away ashamed) Okay. Look I'm going to leave you my card and I want you to call me if you change your mind (he goes to leave)

Big Pete
(looking at the card) You're being sponsored by Thompson's Aerial and Satellite Specialists?

Billy
Yes we are as it happens.

Big Pete
Mr Carlisle, if the offers still there, I want in (he sticks his chubby hand out)

Billy
(he takes up Big Pete's hand) Glad to have you on board. What made you change your mind?

Big Pete
When I saw that you had a sponsor, I knew you'd make this happen. Are we going to have a tour bus?

Billy
You bet we are. Now I want us to meet in the Green Lion on Friday at 8pm. I've booked a room upstairs. Hopefully we'll have some more players by then. Welcome to the team, Big Pete (he exits. Big Pete looks thoughtful for a moment, then goes over to a chest of drawers and pulls out a photo album. He flicks through and stops on a page, looking grim. The headline reads 'Big Pete -addicted!')

It reads well enough, but it is essentially a riff on one idea, which could becoming wearying after a while. Presumably you intend to do more with it, but do you think this concept has the legs for a series?

Incidentally, I would suggest asking for feedback on a script BEFORE sending it off!

The "is he or isn't he Big Pete" business goes on way too long. I lost interest before the end I'm afraid. But the idea of a comedy around the world of darts is a good one. It was something I tooled around with for a while myself and there is definitely scope there - just not sure you've hit the bullseye with this, though it's hard to tell from a couple of scenes.

Bo.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Timbo, I've tried to make the first ep/ pilot like 'the gathering of the magnificent 7' or something. Subsequent episodes would feature 'a high drama' story, like Big Pete weakening and becoming addicted again (to cocoa-cola), while the team try and win against their current opponents (e.g the Naturists). Each player would have their own (pathetic) demons to beat.

Bohannon, I had intended that the audeince are never meant to be in doubt that he's Big Pete. Was hoping to get comedy from the stupidity of him denying it so badly and Billy believing him. I was aiming for a kind of Airplane - esq style. But maybe I threw and hit those metal bits on the board and the dart bounced off..

Appreciate your comments!

Greensville, I read it exactly as you've just explained it.

I love the concept; you really feel like you're taking something on by reading the first few pages, and now I want to know what happens. I also want to know what happened to Big Pete.

There was no struggle to read this, as there are with a lot of em. I got straight in and stuck with it, something I'm not generally inclined to do when I'm at work.

The only question mark is whether it's quite funny enough, but I think as a first scene this is probably forgivable as there are just enough lines.

On the whole, I really like it.

PS You mention a sports film - could this not be just that?

PPS Pete's addiction is to cola? Why not make his problems quite dark - maybe we don't find out till the last ep but are constantly faced with references to his past few years? Just a thought. (Similar in a sense to the Bryn and Jason storyline in Gavin & Stacey.)

I enjoyed reading that, I thought it was very funny. Definitely reminded me of Airplane when I read it (and before I read you mention Airplane!). I love these sort of story-lines too.

I didn't really get a good feel for their characters, but then this is just a short extract! But I pictured Billy as either a young Ted Striker or an older Brian Potter?

Good luck at WW.

Stu R - Hopefully the actors performances will make it funny, but you're right. Maybe it needs another going over with the comedy brush. I've incorporated phrases like 'Ha! Is the bullseye worth 50 points?' later so maybe a few more like that to really get an idea of their 'world'. I quite like keeping Big Pete's problem ridiculous. Kind of sits in their world better.

The scene is about 7 pages into the sit-com, btw.

Shoepie - Yes! That's exactly how I wanted it played. Very high drama over trivial things. Billy is optimistic, maybe a bit more like the Leslie Neilson character. I kind of had in mind that conversation he's having with the Captain, where he's misunderstanding everything that's said. In the rest of the sit-com Billy gets his team together and his nemisis, Ronnie Bathurst, comes along to show off his elite team. Exciting stuff, I can tell you!