Griff
Sunday 11th January 2009 8:19pm [Edited]
993 posts
Here's what I usually send.
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DEAR ARSEHOLE.
I have attached the most awesome motherf**ker of a script you will ever read. You won't understand most of it, as it has a reading age of 8 yrs plus, but you can rest assured it is a work of genius. If you stupidly fail to commission this you are throwing away a cabinet full of BAFTAs. Not that you would recognise a BAFTA from a suppurating dog's cock given your previous track record.
OK so what is it? Let me deal with that by telling you what it's not. For one thing, it's not the usual clag of puerile turd that normally clogs up the diseased bowels of your putrid network. For another, it's not f**king cheap. I want good money for this. I spent several hours working on it when I could have been f**king your Mum via her Gumtree ad, and I expect to be compensated.
And I'm not asking. I'm f**king telling you. I know where you live, your so-called "place of work", which shitty coffee shops you take your c**ty MacBook into so you can sit there braying into your Nokia Bluetooth Spazphone about "media convergence" and which of your desperate underpaid interns you are planning to rape tomorrow night.
If you do not greenlight this project within seven days, with all seven model-turned-actresses on board, so help me I will track you down, smash your teeth out with a brick, lobotomise you with an ice-pick, and leave you to rot in a vegetative living hell in the studio of Steve Wright's afternoon radio show.
Yours,
Seefacts
PS Do you think this would work better as a comedy drama?