A while ago I was watching some obscure wildlife show which appeared to consist of a South African Guy attempting to piss off various animals as much as he could by getting right in their faces. That sparked these (sorry for the length):
SKETCH 1
EXT. DAY. SOME GENERIC AFRICAN SCRUB WITH A REPORTER/ADVENTURER (IN THE BEAR GRYLLS/STEVE IRWIN MOULD) WHISPERING TO THE CAMERA. DAYTIME. HE HAS A SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT.
PRESENTER: Now remember, the rhino is one of the most dangerous animals in Africa, and the black variety is renowned for it's short temper. We've finally tracked one down, here in the dense scrub.
CUT TO STOCK SHOT OF RHINO
PRESENTER (CONT): Here, he will be particularly aggressive in defending his home territory. Let's get a bit closer.
CAMERAMAN: (SIMILAR ACCENT, ALSO WHISPERING) Why? I've got a great zoom on this thing. Let's stay here.
PRESENTER: We've discussed this before Karl. In today's environment it's not enough to see the bloody animals. People want to see a bit of danger; you've got to put yourself at risk. If you don't want this job I know Jannie would be happy to do it.
THE PRESENTER TURNS AND STARTS MAKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE SCRUB.
EXT, DAY. AS PREVIOUS, BUT NOW MUCH CLOSER TO THE RHINO
PRESENTER (CONT): We're now only a few feet from the giant beast. It looks very skittish.
CUT TO STOCK SHOT OF RHINO LOOKING AGITATED
PRESENTER (CONT): And there seems to be a young calf with it, which of course, makes this an altogether more dangerous situation. <BEAT> Normally we'd approach downwind to avoid detection, but we've decided to come in upwind as the light is better.
CAMERAMAN: (HISSING AGITATEDLY) Oh F**k! Look, Hansie, we've got the shot, let's get out of here.
PRESENTER: Call this a shot? That pussy Attenborough would get closer than this! We need something more extreme.
PRESENTER (CONT): (PUTS BACK ON HIS PRESENTERS WHISPER) This scrub will make it hard for us to make headway, but will not even slow a charging rhino down.
HE TURNS AND BEGINS TO MOVE SLOWLY THROUGH THE BUSH.
PRESENTER (CONT): Now I just need to creep the last few feet so that I can flick his testicles to test his reaction.
THE CAMERA WOBBLES.
CAMERAMAN: What? Are you mad? You tosser!
PRESENTER: (OVER HIS SHOULDER) Extreme Karl, extreme.
F/X:AN ANGRY BELLOW AND THE SOUND OF SOMETHING HEAVY CRASHING THROUGH THE BUSHES
CUT TO THE PRESENTER SEEN CLIMBING UP A TREE. THE CAMERA SPINS TO SHOW THE SCRUB AS BEFORE AND WOBBLES AS IF THE CAMERAMAN IS RUNNING
CAMERAMAN: Hansie! You f**ker!
THE CAMERA IS DROPPED AND THE SCREEN GOES BLACK
SKETCH 2
EXT. DAY. SOME GENERIC AFRICAN GRASSLAND.
PRESENTER: (WHISPERING) We're here in the Masai Mara tracking down a pride of lions reported to be the most vicious in all of Africa, and reputed to be responsible for the deaths of at least 5 humans over the past 6 months.
CUT TO STOCK SHOT OF LIONS
PRESENTER (CONT): At the end of the dry season, they are hungry and thirsty and at their most dangerous.
CAMERAMAN: (ALSO WHISPERING) Hansie, I think they are trying to get behind us. Let's get back to the LandRover.
PRESENTER: Karl, LandRovers are for pussies like Bill Oddie and Simon King. Autumnwatch my arse! I sent the driver back so you couldn't wimp out Karl.
THE PRESENTER TURNS AND STARTS MAKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE GRASS. THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM
CAMERAMAN: It's OK for you, you bastard, I still can't run properly after the bloody rhino charge.
CUT TO A SHOT OF THE LIONS BEING LIONS
PRESENTER: We are right by the pride now. You can hear their stomachs rumbling. The antelope that are the normal prey of these lions are far away at the moment, but I have about a kilo of their droppings and a catapult.
THE CAMERA PANS TO SHOW A PILE OF DUNG BY HIS FEET.
PRESENTER (CONT): Let's see how they react.
HE BEGINS TO FIRE HANDFULS THE DUNG INTO THE DISTANCE.
CAMERAMAN: You really are a complete twat aren't you?
PRESENTER: (OVER HIS SHOULDER) Extreme.
F/X:AN ANGRY ROARING AND THE SOUND OF SOMETHING HEAVY CRASHING THROUGH THE
GRASSES. A SCREAM FROM THE CAMERAMAN
CUT TO THE PRESENTER SEEN CLIMBING UP A TREE. THE CAMERA WOBBLES TOWARDS HIM AS THE CAMERAMAN TRIES TO GAIN THE SAFETY OF THE TREE. AS HE REACHES THE BOTTOM THE CAMERA SHOWS HE IS LEAPING UP AND FALLING BACK
CAMERAMAN: Hansie! Help me up you bastard!
PRESENTER: The tree is too small for two of us Karl, use another one.
THE CAMERA WOBBLES AS HE RUNS FOR ANOTHER TREE
F/X:THE ROARING IS VERY CLOSE NOW. A SCREAM FROM THE CAMERAMAN
CAMERAMAN: Hansie! You F**ker!
THE CAMERA FALLS TO THE GROUND AND GOES BLACK
SKETCH 3
EXT. DAY. A SMALL BOAT ON THE OCEAN
PRESENTER: We're here off the coast of South Africa in search of the Great White shark. This is their major hunting ground, where they massacre seals in a primeval orgy of blood and violence.
CUT TO STOCK SHOT OF A GREAT WHITE
PRESENTER (CONT): Many wildlife film-makers have sought the Great White here in order to understand their habits and catalogue their behaviours.
CAMERAMAN: Hansie, I think some of my wounds from the lion attack are still oozing, I'm not sure I should get in the water.
PRESENTER: Many presenters have visited these great beasts of the deep in the typical shark cages. These people are pussies. Not only will I and my cameraman …
THE PRESENTER LOOKS MEANINGFULLY AT THE MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA
PRESENTER (CONT)…Enter the water without a cage, but I have had a special suit made in order to make this a truly extreme encounter.
HE STANDS AND TURNS TO SHOW HIS NAKED BOTTOM STICKING OUT OF A HOLE CUT IN THE WET SUIT.
CAMERAMAN: You're going to show your arse to a Great White? You're f**king barking aren't you Hansie?
THE PRESENTER TURNS AGAIN AND MOVES TOWARDS THE CAMERA.
PRESENTER: Extreme!
HE PUT OUT HIS HAND APPARENTLY PUSHING THE CAMERAMAN OVERBOARD. THE CAMERA FLASHES TO THE SKY AS HE FALLS.
F/X:A SPLASH AS HE HIT THE WATER
CUT: THE CAMERA IS NOW BOBBING AT WATER LEVEL AND SHOWS THAT THE PRESENTER IS ALSO IN THE WATER. IT IS TRAINED ON HIS FACE.
PRESENTER: The sharks are a bit quiet today, so let's make things a bit more interesting. Karl, release the chum from the container. This is their favourite food, they can't resist this.
A BLOODY LIQUID STARTS TO BE THROWN ABOUT.
PRESENTER: Careful Karl! You're getting it all over me.
THE CAMERA SHOWS A LARGE FIN
PRESENTER (CONT): Wow! That's big. Perhaps this is a bit too extreme even for me. Let's get out Karl.
THE CAMERA IS BACK ON THE PRESENTER BUT THE ANGLE INDICATES THE CAMERAMAN IS IN THE BOAT
CAMERAMAN: Oops! I appear to have dropped the ladder overboard.
THE PRESENTER IS SCRABBLING AT THE SIDE OF THE BOAT AND THEN APPEARS TO BE PULLED UNDER.
CAMERAMAN: Where's your tree now Hansie?
THE PRESENTER SUDDENLY APPEARS SCRABBLING AT THE BOAT AGAIN
PRESENTER: (SCREAMING) Karl! You F**ker!
HE DISAPPEARS UNDER THE WATER AGAIN. THE CAMERA GOES BLACK