On the theme of old radio sketches,here is the first
draft of one of the first episodes of my 1890's
detectives Bullshot and Shorthouse.These were re-written
last year,and are now ten, fiffteen mintue episodes
featuring Bullshot and Shorthouse.I'm looking for a
Goons,silliness type idea with these.Below is a rough
unformated,first draft.
Bullshot and Shorthouse
in
Caught in the Act
ITS STILL 1890'S LONDON AND OUR TWO HEROES ARE OUT ON ANOTHER CASE IN THE EARLY EVENING OF AN OLD EAST END.
FX.STREET NOISES.
Bullshot: You can't beat an homemade pie.
Shorthouse: Old Mr Todd he's a laugh isn't he?
Bullshot: I'll have to get the recipe from him.
Shorthouse: What is it he sings about his pies?
[Together Singing]
I won't tell a lie
About my pies
Of that there is no assumption.
Its such a treat
When you get to eat
My pies are fit for human consumption.
Bullshot: Good as gold that Mr Todd is.
Shorthouse: As nice as they come.
[Female Voices]
Voice 1: Hello Boys looking for some fun?
Shorthouse: Why is the circus in town?
Voice 2 : No Tiny, fancy a piece of what money can buy? Pennies for heaven.
Bullshot: I'll have you know we are police officers.I am Insepector Bullshot of the Yard and this Detective Shorthouse.
Voice 1: We'll do anything for a couple of coppers.
Bullshot: Would you care to tell me your names?
Voice 1: As it 'appens I am Fanny Shutter and this 'ere is my friend Flora Dawes.
Shorthouse: Would you like a piece of my pie?
Dawes: Would you like a piece of mine?[Laughing]
Shorthouse[Innocent] What does it taste of?
Bullshot: Detective don't you dare taste any of her pie while on duty.
Shutter: You know Mr Bullshot,you look just like a young Bruce Forsyth.
Dawes: Why Fanny your right.[both together] Good game…Good game…Alright my love…
Bullshot: Shutter…Dawes…
Shutter: No not Larry Grayson,mind you Mr Shorthouse 'ere could be..?
Shorthouse: Now look here missus…
Dawes: No, no, not Frankie Howerd.
Bullshot: Shut that Dawes!
Dawes and Shutter: Look at the muck in 'ere.[Laughing]
Bullshot: Ladies I have to tell you we are out on the street on business.
Shutter: So are we.
Bullshot: We're looking for a man…
Shutter: Funny thing that…So are …
Shorthouse: Drew Peacock.
Dawes: Drewpy what?
Bullshot: His name is Drew Peacock.Let us know if you see him hanging around.
Shutter: Inspector,we see many Drew Peacocks.[Laughter]
Shorthouse: Ladies be careful he could turn up at anytime.
Dawes: If he turns up we'll have to charge him[Walking off laughing]
A VOICE MALE BUT ALMOST FEMALE.
Voice: Good evening gentlemen.Looking for anything?
Bullshot: We're police officers on duty.I'm Bullshot of the whatsit and this Shorthouse of the same place.
Voice: Police officers how exciting.Have you got uniforms and truncheons?
Shorthouse: No uniforms but heres[FX.SWISH.PLOP] my truncheon.
Voice: That's a big one,can I touch it?
Shorthouse: Of course you can…
Bullshot: Shorthouse! Never let member of the public grasp your truncheon.
Voice: That's not what the Commissioner said.
Shorthouse: You know the Commissioner?
Voice: Darling everyone knows Nobby.
Bullshot: Whether you know Nobby …the Commissioner or not, kindly remove your hand from my Detectives weapon.
Voice: Spoilsport.
Bullshot: All officers weapons are to remain firmly underwraps until use.
Voice: Firmly under wraps until use,I've come over all unexpected.
Bullshot: Now listen here…?
Voice: Lancealot, darling.
Bullshot: Lancealot Darling.
Voice: No my name is Lancealot…Lancealot Vile,darling.
Bullshot: Right Vile! Be on your way and let us go about our business
Vile: [Walking away] Alright my love…Good game…Good game…
Shorthouse: You meet the nicest kind of people around here…
FX.LOUD SCREAM.FOOTSTEPS COMING CLOSER.
Female voice: Cor luv a duck,me old china,init, whistle and flute,apples and pears, cor blimmey.Someones 'alf 'inched me barg…
Shorthouse: Are you Peggy Mitchell?
Bullshot: Quick Shorthouse after them!
Shorthouse: Sir! FX.RUNNING.SOUND OF FLYING THROUGH AIR.CLUMP AS SHORTHOUSE LANDS.
Voice: What the fu...?
Shorthouse: Sorry Vicar.FX.RUNNING .FLYING THROUGH AIR.CLUMP AS HE LANDS.
Voice: Help I've been caught by the fuzz!
Shorthouse: Sorry madam,I went in abit low.FX. RUNNING.
Narator: There they go zig zagging down the street.
Shorthouse: To you sir.
Bullshot: To me.
Shorthouse: To you.
Bullshot: To me.
Shorthouse: FX. CLUMP AS HE LANDS.
Voice: Great tackle that man!Thats just what I'm after! My names Webb Ellis and…
Shorthouse: Sorry sir no time to talk.
Bullshot: I've got them covered.FX.FLYING THOUGH AIR.CLUMP AS HE LANDS.
Bullshot cont: Whoops sorry Mr Todd, Miss Dawes,Miss Shutter.FX RUNNING AWAY.I'll be in for a pie tomorrow.
Dawes and Shutter: We'll see you in there.
Todd: Quite right ladies,so you will.[Singing] I 'won't tell a lie about my pies…FADES TO DISTANCE.
Bullshot: [Still Running] Twist! Dodger! Stop that at once I know what your up to!
Dodger: Evening Mr Bullshot sir.
Twist: Like wise.
FX.CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME.
Shorthouse: We're gaining on him sir.
Bullshot: Keep going man.
FX.SOMEONE IS SINGING RUN RABBIT,RUN RABBIT.
Shorthouse: Wheres that singing coming from?
Bullshot: That's just the script writers having a laugh.
Shorthouse: If I was them I'd leave it out cos it ain't very funny.
Bullshot: Well said that man.
Shorthouse: Squeak…bum…turtle…Sir whats going on?
Bullshot: I think you had better say sorry to the scriptwriters.
Shorthouse. Sorry I won't do it again.
Scriptwriter: Good lesson learned.Now get after that man.
Shorthouse: And as they come into the final furlong its Shorthouse by a head, but Bullshot is pressing on the far side…FX.FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.CLUMP.
Shorthouse: What have I landed in?
Bullshot: Why its Vile.
Shorthouse: You can say that again,and it smells dreadful.
Bullshot: Its Lancealot Vile.
Shorthouse: People shouldn't be allowed to let their dogs out on the street.
Scriptwriters: That's got nothing to do with dogs.
Shorthouse: Oh shi…
Bullshot: Shorthouse arrest this man for snatching Peggy Mitchell's handbag.
Shorthouse: Sir.
Vile: Inspector its wasn't me.I would never have anything to do with snatches.
End
