This is a sitcom attempt. It is based on a family running a greasy spoon type cafe
John - approaching retirement, heavily overweight, lots of problems getting around.
Siobhan - John's long suffering 3rd wife whose compassion is wearing thin.
Neil - John's son - a failure who keeps have crap ideas.
Jennie - Neil's wife.
I'd be interested to here what people think. I find this funny because I have lived with most of the principle characters most of my life. A lot of these type of incidents actually have happened in one form or another - welcome to my world.
SCENE 01/01 BEDROOM.INT.NIGHT
John and Siobhan are asleep in bed. John is snoring. He suddenly stops and then sits bolt upright in bed.
JOHN
Siobhan, (PAUSE)Siobhan, (PAUSE)Siobhan.
SIOBHAN
What?
JOHN
It's happening again.
SIOBHAN
What's happening again?
JOHN
Down there. It's happening again.
Siobhan looks under the covers.
SIOBHAN
What's happening down there?
JOHN
My ankles are itching again.
SIOBHAN
Your ankles are itching?
JOHN
Scratch them for me Siobhan.
SIOBHAN
You woke me up for that? Do it yourself you lazy git.
JOHN
Come on now Siobhan. Help me. You know I can't get down there.
SIOBHAN
Oh just shut up John.
Siobhan rolls over and goes back to sleep. John looks around bedroom. He reaches for one of two swords that are displayed over the bed. He slowly puts the sword under the covers
CUT TO:
SCENE 01/02 CAFÉ-INT-DAY 1
Neil is taking down chairs from the tables. Jennie is behind the serving counter. Siobhan bursts in through the front door looking flustered.
NEIL+JENNIE
Good Morning
SIOBHAN
Is it?
Neil and Jennie look towards the door.
NEIL
Where is he then?
SIOBHAN
Don't bloody ask.
John hobbles through the door with his foot all bandaged up.
JOHN
Why didn't you wait for me Siobhan? You can see I've got a problem.
SIOBHAN
If you don't stop moaning you'll have more than one.
Siobhan marches into the kitchen. Jennie and Neil look at John's foot.
NEIL
What have you done to that?
JOHN
I've had a bit of an accident son.
The kitchen hatch opens Siobhan's head appears.
SIOBHAN
Don't listen to him. He only did it to spite me.
JENNIE
What did he do?
SIOBHAN
He stabbed himself in the foot.
JENNIE
With what?
SIOBHAN
A late seventeenth century samurai sword.
JOHN
I'm sorry darling.
SIOBHAN
Four bloody hours in accident and emergency.
NEIL
It always takes an age to be seen there.
SIOBHAN
Oh no. We got seen to straight away.
JENNIE
So why did it take so long?
SIOBHAN
He was giving the doctor a full list of all of his bloody aliments.
JOHN
I said was sorry Siobhan.
SIOBHAN
You're always sorry John. It's just one thing after another. You're just useless.
Kitchen hatch slams shut.
JOHN
(Very jolly)So (PAUSE) how are you two?
FADE TO:
SCENE 01/03 CAFÉ KITCHEN.INT.DAY 1
Jennie is at the sink washing up. Siobhan walks in and puts a dog toy on the side. She also is carrying a bag.
JENNIE
Is that for John?
SIOBHAN
Don't be silly. If it was a muzzle it would be for John. It's for the new puppy.
JENNIE
Ah. When are you picking her up?
SIOBHAN
Saturday Morning. I'm so excited. I'll be able to have some intelligent conversation now.
JENNIE
What's in the bag?
SIOBHAN
Oh I just popped out into that new pet superstore. I got that toy and a load of nice puppy food.
Siobhan slips the food into the kitchen fridge
SIOBHAN
And this.
Siobhan gets out a studded dog collar and leather lead.
SIOBHAN
It's for you. It's meant to be for a Rottweiler but I know how you like your dressing up.
JENNIE
What? How the hell? What's Neil been saying?
SIOBHAN
It's okay. When you were on holiday last year, I nipped round to clean. I found your little collection of outfits. I even did the housework in the maid's costume. Do you like it then?
JENNIE
I really don't feel comfortable discussing this with my mother in law.
SIOBHAN
Oh really? That's a shame you should see John's gladiator outfit.
JENNIE
That's formed a picture in my mind that I can live the rest of my entire life without seeing again. Can you get the sausage rolls out?
FADE TO:
SCENE 01/04 CAFÉ KITCHEN. INT. DAY 1
Neil is slicing rolls in half, John is buttering them and Jennie is putting in fillings.
SIOBHAN
Come on hurry up we open in ten minutes.
ALL
Yes Siobhan.
SIOBHAN
Come on John. What the hell's that.
Siobhan holds up a roll with a great big blob of butter in the middle.
JOHN
It's very difficult to do this with this foot you know.
Everyone else gives John a strange look.
NEIL
You know I've been thinking.
JENNIE
Oh God not another stupid idea.
NEIL
I don't do stupid ideas baby.
JENNIE
Oh yeah? What about that private hire last week.
NEIL
Look I thought a hog roast would be a great idea. Cheap. Easy. Minimal clearing up.
JENNIE
Yes fine, but not when the event was a bar mitzvah.
JOHN
So what's this new idea then son?
NEIL
A taste of India! A week long exploration of the cuisine and culture of India.
JOHN
Not bad. Everyone likes a good curry.
JENNIE
Yes, but we're just a simple café, sarnies, all day breakfasts and mugs of crap tea.
NEIL
Yes but think of all the new custom we'd get in.
JOHN
That's true. That taxi firm up the road must have at least twenty drivers.
JENNIE
But they're all Italian.
JOHN
Yeah I know.
JENNIE
Well I think it's a terrible idea. If I have any say we won't be doing it.
CUT TO:
SCENE 01/05 CAFÉ.INT.DAY 3
The café is decorated with Indian flags and pictures of Indian cricket and Bollywood stars. Alf and Brian are sat in the corner table. A few other tables are also occupied. Jennie and Siobhan are walking around in saris serving customers.
SIOBHAN
It's going rather well isn't it.
JENNIE
Yeah. Pretty good. The lamb buna sarnies are going down a storm.
ALF
Where are those poppadom's Siobhan?
SIOBHAN
(Shouting) John? Where are those poppadom's?
Kitchen door swings open and John walks through wearing a pink turban and traditional Indian dress. He is carry a plate of poppadom's and goes over to Alf and Brian. He starts chatting to them. Siobhan and Jennie gather at the counter.
JENNIE
Does he know that Alf and Brian are gay?
SIOBHAN
Not a clue. Three years they've been coming here for their little rendezvous'. He talks to them every day. He knows Brian still lives with his mum and that Alf has painted his truck pink – but he still hasn't twigged.
JENNIE
He doesn't actually believe that gay people exist in the real world though does he?
SIOBHAN
True. He thinks it's all a big conspiracy between the CIA and the tabloid press. He's convinced that Elton John is just waiting for the right girl.
Mrs Hodge walks into the café.
JENNIE
Morning Mrs Hodge. What can we get for you today?
MRS HODGE
What's all this then?
John walks past.
A rehearsal for Aladdin?
SIOBHAN
Indian Week. We're exploring the delicate flavours and culture of Indian cuisine.
Kitchen's hatch open's and Neil's appears. He puts a plate on the side.
NEIL
Chicken Tikka Malsa and chips – table four.
Siobhan takes plate over to table four.
JENNIE
So what can I tempt you with today Mrs Hodge? A chicken korma sandwich? Meat samosa? Or what about some vegetable vinderloo soup?
MRS HODGE
Oh God no. I don't touch foreign foods, not with my bowels. If I eat any of that muck I'd been incapacitated for a week.
JOHN
Did you just mention bowels? Mine are giving me hell today. It's just going straight through me.
Neil again appears at kitchen hatch. He has a large glass.
NEIL
Chocolate milkshake – table 2.
JENNIE
Yes thank you John. Customers don't want to hear about your bowels.
MRS HODGE
Do you have regular bowel problems then Mr Bakewell?
JOHN
All the time. Sometimes it's like a wrestling match in the little boy's room. I'm not a well man you know Mrs Hodge.
JENNIE
Now you've done it Mrs Hodge. He'll be going on for hours now.
JOHN.
I don't know why I suffer so much. Maybe God is punishing me for my sins. Oh my. Is that pork pie? Oh a little piece for Jonny I think.
John gets a knife and cuts a big piece.
