Hey I tried the Google thing but they don't accept pages anymore or something? Anywho I thought I'd just copy and paste it here. I apologise if the format is all fudged up now. Its actually typed in Celtx but I didnt know how to create a link lol. So these are the opening scenes. Appreciate any feedback guys
CARRIAGE BABBLE
EPISODE 1 (PILOT): 'IF YOU'RE SEATED COMFORTABLY, WE SHALL BEGIN...'
PROLOGUE: 'THE BIRTHDAY SPOILER'...
FADE IN:
INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE - DAY
THE SCENE OPENS WITH A YOUNG MAN (BEN) SITTING ON A TRAIN, AIMLESSLY THINKING TO HIMSELF. IN HIS EARLY 20'S AND TRAVELLING WITH A LARGE BAG, HE HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A STUDENT. HOWEVER, A LOUD AND EXCITABLE YOUNG BOY, SITTING NEARBY WITH HIS FATHER, A BURLY TATTOOED MAN AND ANOTHER MAN DISTURB HIS PEACE. THE BOY, UNABLE TO SIT STILL IN HIS SEAT IS SINGING ABOUT WHATEVER COMES INTO HIS HEAD.
LITTLE BOY
(SINGING) We're on a train,
eeeeveryone's on the train...
FATHERS FRIEND
Now do you want to open your
present now, or later when I've
wrapped it up?
LITTLE BOY
Urrm...
FATHER
(HAPPILY) Oh go on 'ave it now!
LITTLE BOY
Yeah OK then!
THE FRIEND OF THE FATHER THEN REACHES DOWN INTO HIS BAG AND PLACES A BRAND NEW TELESCOPE ON HIS LAP, OUT OF SIGHT FROM THE BOY.
FATHERS FRIEND
OK it's on my lap but first, you
have to guess what it is.
BEN, WATCHING THE SCENE THEN GIVES AN AUDIBLE GROAN, AS THE BOY PROCEEDS TO LIST A WHOLE RANGE OF RANDOM TOYS HE HAS WISHED FOR.
LITTLE BOY
Uh Spider-man with the squeeze
legs?
FATHERS FRIEND
No.
LITTLE BOY
Uhhh Dino-boy, with the munching
jaws of doom?
FATHERS FRIEND
(PLAYFULLY) Wrong again.
LITTLE BOY
Urrrrrrrm...
FATHERS FRIEND
I'll give you a little clue. It
begins with a T.
LITTLE BOY
(SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
TRANSFORMERS!
FATHERS FRIEND
Nope.
BEN AT THIS POINT, GROWING EVER MORE AGITATED AND ANNOYED WITH THE LITTLE BOY, SHUFFLES UNCOMFORTABLY IN HIS SEAT.
FATHER
(TO HIS SON) Come on, what else
begins with 'T'?
LITTLE BOY
Urmmm...
FATHERS FRIEND
(LAUGHING) Ohhh look, he's nearly
got it!
JUST THEN AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN STANDS OVER THE AGITATED BEN.
ELDERLY MAN
(TROUBLED)
Excuse me son, you couldn't point
me to the toilets could you?
BEN LOOKS DESPAIRINGLY PAST THE ELDERLY MAN AT THE LITTLE BOY, AS IF IT IS BECOMING A REAL EFFORT TO HOLD HIS TONGUE.
LITTLE BOY
(STILL GUESSING) Urmmm...
ELDERLY MAN
(ADDRESSING BEN MORE DIRECTLY)
So, these toilets? Where can they
be found?
LITTLE BOY
Urmmm...
BEN SUDDENLY STANDING UP, CAN NO LONGER CONTAIN HIMSELF.
BEN
(SHOUTING AT THE LITTLE BOY)
It's a TELESCOPE mate!
(POINTING AT THE HIDDEN GIFT)
It's a FREAKIN' TELESCOPE!
SUDDENLY AWARE OF EVERYONE'S SHOCKED GAZE, HE TALKS SLOWLY.
BEN (CONT'D)
Just a telescope...
(QUIETLY TRAILING OFF)
It's just a telescope...
THERE IS THEN A SHORT PERIOD OF SHOCKED SILENCE WITH WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ENTIRE TRAIN CARRIAGE'S GAZE FIRMLY FIXED ON THE RAPIDLY SHRINKING BEN, WHO ALTHOUGH IS STILL STANDING, IS VISIBLY EMBARRASSED.
ELDERLY MAN
(BREAKING THE SILENCE)
... Oh sorry son, it's OK.
(SHOUTING DOWN THE TRAIN)
Sheryl! Bog's this way....
THE ELDERLY MAN WALKS AWAY, WHILST THE FATHER OF THE LITTLE BOY LOOKS ON ANGRILY AT BEN AS HIS BOY BEGINS TO WELL-UP.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - DAY
BEN IS VIOLENTLY FORCED OFF THE TRAIN AT THE NEXT STOP BY THE ANGRY FATHER AND HIS FRIEND. THE LITTLE BOY IS SEEN TO BE IN TEARS CLUTCHING HIS NEW TELESCOPE.
FATHER
(LOUDLY WHILST THROWING BEN'S LUGGAGE OFF THE TRAIN)
...and the next time I see yer,
I'll wipe the bloody floor with
ya!!
AS BEN LOOKS BACK UP TO THE ANGRY FATHER, WE SEE THAT FURTHER UP THE TRAIN A SIMILAR INCIDENT IS OCCURRING, WITH A MAN IN A DIRTY-LOOKING MACKINTOSH BEING PUSHED OFF BY ANOTHER ANGRY FATHER, WHOSE GESTICULATING AND SHOUTING WILDLY. THE MACKINTOSH FIGURE SEES BEN AND WALKS UP TO HIM, NOTICING HE'S HAD THE SAME TREATMENT.
MACKINTOSH MAN
(WITH A WRY SMILE) Ahhh you can't
get 'em every time eh?
AS THE MACKINTOSH MAN WALKS PAST BEN, HE CLAPS HIM ON THE BACK, REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND GIVES HIM A SWEET. BEN IS LEFT TO LOOK ON BEWILDERED, SWEET IN HAND AS THE DOORS CLOSE AND THE TRAIN LEAVES THE STATION.
FADE OUT:
END OF SCENE.
INTRO AND TITLE MUSIC
FADE IN:
SCENE 1: 'DEPARTURE'
EXT. TRAIN STATION- DAY
THE SCENE OPENS WITH SHOTS OF A NOISY AND BUSY LONDON EUSTON. WE THEN SEE BEN WHO WAS FORCED OFF THE TRAIN EARLIER HURRYING THROUGH THE BUSTLING CROWDS WITH HIS LUGGAGE TO READ THE TRAIN TIMES. WHILST SCANNING THE BOARD, THE CAMERA, ACTING AS THE EYES OF BEN FOCUSES IN ON THE DESTINATION (EDINBURGH), THEN THE TIME OF DEPARTURE AND THEN THE PRESENT TIME, WHICH SHOWS HE ONLY HAS 2 MINUTES BEFORE HIS TRAIN LEAVES.
BEN
Oh crap...
SFX: FRANTIC SOUNDING MUSIC
AS WE SEE BEN RUN OFF TO GET HIS TRAIN, THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO A MAN REPEATEDLY THROWING A SMALL CHILD WILDLY UP IN THE AIR. A NEARBY GROUP OF PEOPLE VOICE THEIR CONCERN.
CONCERNED WOMAN
I'm not sure you should be
throwing your child like that...
THE MAN, CONTINUING TO THROW THE NOW SCREAMING CHILD, EYES THE WOMAN.
THROWING CHILD MAN
(NON-PLUS)
Ain't my child, what do
I care?
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN AT PLATFORM - DAY
WE SEE A TRAIN STILL AT THE PLATFORM. BEN SUDDENLY RUNS UP AND GETS ON BOARD JUST BEFORE THE PLATFORM TRAIN GUARD BLOWS HIS WHISTLE AND WAVES FOR THE TRAIN TO LEAVE WITH HIS PADDLE. AS THE TRAIN LEAVES THE STATION, THE TRAIN GUARD WAVES ON ANOTHER GUARD WHO BRINGS A SWING BALL SET AND THE TWO BEGIN PLAYING USING THEIR PLATFORM PADDLES AS RACKETS.
END OF SCENE.
