Sitcom extract

Here is an extract from my first attempt at a sitcom. Let me know what you think!

SCENE 2 INT. JESSICA'S HOUSE – FRIDAY 12:00PM
SHOT BEGINS IN JESSICA'S HOUSE. SHE IS ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. SHE GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT. RUSSELL IS THERE DRESSED IN SWIM SHORTS, T-SHIRT AND GOGGLES AND HAS A TOWEL UNDER HIS ARM.

RUSSELL:
Hello

JESS:
Hello

RUSSELL:
I thought you might like to go swimming

JESS:
I told you yesterday, I don't have a costume

RUSSELL:
(UNROLLS THE TOWEL TO REVEAL A SKIMPY BIKINI) Tadaa

JESS:
I'm not wearing that

RUSSELL:
Why not?

JESS:
I'll barely fit into it

RUSSELL:
I know its great isn't it

JESS:
No, anyway I thought you hated swimming after Doug defaced your speedos that time

RUSSELL:
That wasn't funny

JESS:
Oh Russell you have to see the funny side

RUSSELL:
He peeled the S off, it might have been funny but I was at ten year olds pool party

JESS:
You were ten? No one would have taken any notice

RUSSELL:
I was the lifeguard! (PAUSE) I faced my phobia at uni anyway; I was in the water polo team for a bit.

JESS:
You played water polo?

RUSSELL:
Oh yeah, I was in the team for about a year until the captain of the team caught me having sex with his girlfriend in his car, a shame really I was starting to get pretty good

JESS:
What position

RUSSELL:
(SHOCKED) Hey?

JESS:
What position in the polo?

RUSSELL:
How did you know he drove a Volkswagen?

JESS:
In the water polo Russell, what position in the water polo. (PAUSE) oh forget it that's exactly why I don't want to go with you.

RUSSELL:
I drive a Volvo now you know there surprisingly spacious

JESS:
You really haven't changed have you

RUSSELL:
I have, I haven't had any lager, fags or junk food for three days now

JESS:
Russell I hope you are doing this for the right reasons and not just so you can try and seduce me, I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment

RUSSELL:
Well someone has a high opinion of themselves, I'm just trying to get back to by 2003 peak its got nothing to do with trying to impress you

JESS:
Sorry I just didn't want to give you the wrong idea

RUSSELL ENTERS THE FLAT AND SITS ON THE SOFA, HE STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH THE JESS' MAGAZINE

RUSSELL:
What's so bad about a date with me though?

JESS:
Nothing Russell, you're a lovely guy and I'm sure lots of girls would find you attractive but I need a more mature man right now

RUSSELL:
I've given up lager, fags and junk food for three days

JESS:
Well ok if you last till the end of the month I'll let you take me out

RUSSELL:
Really (DROPS MAGAZINE) Will you wear this (HOLDS UP BIKINI)

JESS:
No, you have to take me somewhere nice

RUSSELL:
What's nice?

JESS:
I don't know, a restaurant, a play, something sophisticated

RUSSELL:
Sophisticated?

JESS:
Well, at least somewhere where the dress code is more than a peep hole bikini!

RUSSELL:
Well how will you know if I've stuck to my word?

JESS:
Well we can have a weigh in, if you lose weight then I'll know you've stuck to
your side of the bargain

JESS LEAVES THE ROOM AND GOES UP STAIRS. RUSSELL HOLDS THE BIKNI UP AGAINST HIMSELF AND MODELS IT IN THE MIRROR. JESS ENTERS BACK IN THE ROOM AND HE THROWS IT TO THE GROUND

RUSSELL:
I was just

JESS:
Here you go.

JESS HANDS OVER A SET OF SCALES

Really like the bit about the sex in the polo

Thanks for the feedback, do you have any criticisms or suggestions on how to tighten it up?

When reading this through the first thing I noticed was that there is a lot of chat back and forth between the two characters but there is no real sign of plot or an indication of what we are going to get with this sitcom. It is also light on jokes. I'm also not getting any clear indication about your characters yet except for the little we are told. I also noticed a section where you explain the bit about Doug and the Speedo's. This is a kind of 'show don't tell' thing, and personally I don't think hearing about an event from the past is that funny.

There is one opportunity for a joke I saw regarding Russell's comment on playing polo and having sex in the car. You could try something like this:

JESS:
What position?

RUSSELL:
Missionary.

JESS:
No, I mean what position in the polo?

A bit basic but it makes use of the wording around the polo/sex car set up you gave. I would also say that that bit of banter goes on too long in my opinion.

As with most small extracts it is difficult to grasp what is going on and to really get a feel for the sitcom.

Def.

I would generally agree with Def to be honest.

For the most part, I thought it read like banter that was trying to lead up to the polo joke, a nice joke, but didn't really go anywhere else.

I'm not sure if you've finished the entire script yet or not. I'm assuming not. If you continue as you are you will probably find that you have written too much by the time you get to the end of the story. If you try and cut it back to about 6000 words you will, hopefully, find that you are tightening it up yourself.

I think you said this was your first attempt so hopefully this may be more useful than patronising. Each line of dialogue should either enhance the plot, lead up to a joke or be a joke. If a line can be more than one of these, then so much the better. Not always achievable of course!

Good luck.

Tom I thought this was a good effort. It seems a bit men behaving badlyesque (not necessarily a bad thing) and I have heard a joke about the s falling off a pair of speedo's before but the dialogue seemed to flow quite well and got a good sense of the what the characters are like. I would disagree with some of the other comments; The polo joke is good and I wouldn't change it. Also there is definitely a plot being set up here as Russell is presumably either going to go on some sort of weight loss exercise or try some other way of impressing Jess. I guess that from the point where Russell sits down on the sofa to the end could do with a few more funny lines.

Keep up the good work!

I wrote this back in May and have completed the whole script.

I think my writing has improved a bit since then but wanted to gain some feedback. If anyone would like to look at the whole script then just pm me.

It was heavily influenced by Men Behaving Badly and wondered if that was obvious so thanks for your comments!

Does the world really need another sitcom based around "relationships/flatsharing" etc? Even if your script was razor sharp, we've seen all the stories before. You need an original premise to make your sitcom standout from the rest.