Traders to teachers

I am nervously putting this up as my first submission, and pretty much my first attempt at something topical, inspired by the teachers and marking stuff.

I noticed that there has apparently been a large number of ex-traders from the city trying to get jobs as teachers for more security...

TWO MEN ARE SAT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER ACROSS A DESK. CLEARLY ONE IS INTERVIEWING THE OTHER AND HAS SOME PAPERWORK IN FRONT OF THEM.

HEADMASTER: Good afternoon Mr <BEAT> (CHECKS PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) Greedmonger. Thanks for coming in to discuss your application for a teaching position at St. Barts.

TRADER: Good afternoon headmaster, thanks for seeing me.

HEADMASTER: (LOOKS AT PAPERS AGAIN) There seems to have been a glut of applications from City Traders like yourself recently.

TRADER: (LOOKS A LITTLE SHAME-FACED AND MUTTERS) Just wanting to put something back.

HEADMASTER: (SARCASTICALLY UNDER HIS BREATH) Like your inflated bonuses?

TRADER: Sorry headmaster, I didn't quite catch that…?

HEADMASTER: Never mind, I'm sure we can find something for you, let's see. <BEAT> It says here you have good verbal and written communication skills, what about English?

TRADER: Well, I'd certainly give it a try. I did write the brochures for a lot of our investment vehicles…

HEADMASTER: (INTERRUPTING FIRMLY) I'm not sure that describing bundles of dodgy debt, secured on worthless properties as a "High Grade Enhanced Leverage Fund" qualifies you to teach English comprehension to A-level standard.

TRADER: (LOOKS CRESTFALLEN) Ah.

HEADMASTER: We are looking for a new games teacher, any good at football?

TRADER: I did spend a lot of time in the company box at Chelsea so I have a good idea of the rules <BEAT> although mostly from above.

HEADMASTER: (SUDDENLY SLAPPING HIS FOREHEAD) What am I thinking? A games teacher would need some sense of fair play.

TRADER: Well, erm…

HEADMASTER: (INTERRUPTING) I suppose if you saw a child who was struggling in a game you'd just get everyone to gang up on him and beat him up. Parents tend to ask questions about that sort of thing. (CROSSES OUT SOMETHING ON HIS PAPERS AND THEN TRACKS DOWN A LIST BEFORE LOOKING UP BRIGHTLY). Still, mustn't give up <BEAT> Science? How's your physics?

TRADER: Rather rusty, I'm afraid.

HEADMASTER: (THINKING ALOUD) I suppose a science teacher really needs to understand how a bubble works. <BEAT> Well, Mr Greedmonger, I'm afraid that I can't really see where your unique expertise would fit in. (SHUFFLES HIS PAPERS IN A FINAL KIND OF A WAY)

TRADER: Well, headmaster, I thought with my city experience I might be best suited to teaching Economics.

HEADMASTER: (OUTRAGED) Oh f**k off!

Not bad.

I think it starts to ramble a bit during the football segment.

A few too many stage directions for me - makes it hard to read.

Cracking punchline though.

Not bad at all, but the sports thing could be neater, maybe jokes about team playing and handling a sudden crash?

I like the snappy punchline, nice and reduced.

Why not send it to NR?

Thanks Bigfella and Sootyj. Very useful feedback. I've had a quick redraft as below, does this help? Thanks for the steer on NR Sootyj, I think I might punt it their way.

A HEAD TEACHER IS INTERVIEWING A CITY TRADER FOR A JOB IN TEACHING

HEADMASTER: Good afternoon Mr Greedmonger. Thanks for coming in to discuss your application for a teaching position at St. Barts.

TRADER: Good afternoon headmaster, thanks for seeing me.

HEADMASTER: Hmm. There seems to have been a glut of applications from City Traders like yourself recently.

TRADER: (MUTTERS) Just wanting to put something back.

HEADMASTER: Like your inflated bonuses?

TRADER: Sorry headmaster, I didn't quite catch that…?

HEADMASTER: Never mind, I'm sure we can find something for you, let's see. <BEAT> It says here you have good verbal and written communication skills, what about English?

TRADER: Well, I'd certainly give it a try. I did write the brochures for a lot of our investment vehicles…

HEADMASTER: I'm not sure that describing bundles of dodgy debt, secured on worthless properties as a "High Grade Enhanced Leverage Fund" qualifies you to teach English comprehension to A-level standard.
TRADER: Ah.

HEADMASTER: We are looking for a new games teacher, any good at football?

TRADER: I've always been quite sporty.

HEADMASTER: What am I thinking? A games teacher would need a sense of fair play.

TRADER: Well, erm…

HEADMASTER: And some concept of a team. <BEAT> And you'd need to drive the team bus, I'd worry you might panic in the event of a crash. <BEAT> Well, mustn't give up, how about science? How's your physics?

TRADER: Rather rusty, I'm afraid.

HEADMASTER: Although I suppose a physics teacher really needs to understand how a bubble works. <BEAT> Well, I'm afraid that I can't really see where your – ahem- unique expertise would fit into the teaching profession.

TRADER: Well, headmaster, I thought with my city experience I might be best suited to teaching Economics.

HEADMASTER: Oh f**k off!