EXT. A DAMP AND LITTERED SIDE STREET
Two hobo-looking characters are sitting in front of a pebbledash wall. These two can be recognised as Jimmy Nail and Steven Pinder.
JIMMY (thinking to self): Is this life? One minute I’m a brickie working in Dussledorf, the next I’m living on the street. I’m not even going to go into my television career. I feel worse than when that record company caught me singing in the local when I was pissed and sued me for disturbing the piece, leading to a record deal, with obviously got me sued for the same offence by many different people. F**king hell though, who is this bugger standing next to me? He bloody stinks. I’ve never seen him before until now that I’ve woken out of LSD trip …
STEVEN (also thinking to self): You know me. You all know me. I get it all the time. “It’s Max from Brookside” you say … well … not all the time. Brookside was great though, I still think about Jennifer Ellison when I fall to sleep every night. Ah yes, dirty bitch! You take it … take it … Ahhh. But my career went down hill then. Don’t even talk about Foxy Lady. I see people like Russell Brand in the paper that I use to sleep on and later wipe my arse with, and I think, what I hireable about them? Why am I not getting work anymore? I even won Celebrity Mastermind in the hopes of getting work, what the f**k in unhirable about someone who is obsessed with Steve McQueen?
The two celebrities look at each other. STEVEN grabs his stomach.
JIMMY: What’s wrong with you?
STEVEN: A bit of a tummy ache.
JIMMY: I told you mate, you ate too much of Dick & Dom.
Cut to two skeletons.
STEVEN: Who are you again?
JIMMY: Me?! ME?! I’m Jimmy Nail!
STEVEN looks blank.
JIMMY: Oz!
STEVEN still looks blank.
JIMMY: The Geordie! Brick layer! Germany! Won the lottery in series two! They found my name on the Berlin Wall!
STEVEN (still blank): … Right.
JIMMY: Who are you anyway?
STEVEN: I don’t want to say. My life has been a shambles.
JIMMY: Soap actor then?
STEVEN: Yep.
The two go through some of the rubbish at either side of them.
STEVEN: Heard anything from Bernard Manning yet?
JIMMY: Yeah. Apparently the streets are so clean where he is now he can eat off it. Not like he has a choice in the matter like.
STEVEN nods.
JIMMY: Heard anything off that “H” fella you used to hang about with?
STEVEN: No, apparently, he went onto bigger and better things. Very him. He always wanted someone bigger and better than me. I never really knew what he meant by that, but still I recognise an insult.
They continue frolicking.
JIMMY (shouting at someone out of shot): OI! GELDOF! DON’T PRETEND YOU’VE ENVER SEEN ME BEFORE! YOU’LL BE BACK!
STEVEN: Who’s that then?
JIMMY: Oh, some f**king do gooder.
STEVEN is looking around. He seems to notice something.
STEVEN: Hold the phone …
STEVEN gets up and walks out of shot. Cut to him standing next to some long haired man (only seen from the back).
STEVEN: Where have you been Mark?
MARK: Oh, Steven, hi … erm …
STEVEN: You said you were going for some fresh milk from the Summerfield bins, and I haven’t seen you since.
MARK: Didn’t you hear?
STEVEN: Hear what?
MARK: I got on a reality show didn’t I? And I got the band together.
STEVEN: You still chasing your band dreams are you? You and your Take This.
MARK: Take That … I better get going.
MARK walks off.
STEVEN (shouting after him): Yes, you take your new suit, and you nice hair and abandon me. ABANDON ME! Just like H, just like Jennifer Ellison. YOU’LL BE BACK!
STEVEN rejoins JIMMY at the wall.
STEVEN (under voice): Take That. They’ll never amount to anything.
JIMMY (muttering and humming): Have a little … Patience.
STEVEN: What?
JIMMY: Just something I heard recently … I am hungry.
STEVEN: Well, all we have left is one of Phil Tufnell’s legs … want that?
JIMMY nods and STEVEN passes it to him.
