Ha!
Memorable zingers Page 2
Another school story - Mrs Langabeer my screeching harridan of a science teacher called me out to the front of class and made a point of loudly asking me if I'd done my homework.
"No Miss" I replied.
"I KNOW you haven't!" she shouted.
"Well what did you f**king ask for then?" came my witty retort.
I got suspended but it was worth it for the roar of laughter from the rest of the class.
We had a teaching assistant at school who had wound up on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Now, whilst this is an embarrasment in itself, she then felt she had the nerve to walk past 150 us, lined up in silence for an exam and laugh out "Haha, you've got exams..." (she's a ditzy blond, vintage Jeremy Kyle stereotype, like a well built whale)
I simply turned around and mimiced back to her, "haha, you were on the jeremy Kyle Show!"
And a line of perfectly silenced children burst uncontrollably into hysterics. But f**k it, it was my last day 
And perfectly timed 
Quote: Socrates @ December 29 2008, 4:46 PM GMTWe had a teaching assistant at school who had wound up on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Now, whilst this is an embarrasment in itself, she then felt she had the nerve to walk past 150 us, lined up in silence for an exam and laugh out "Haha, you've got exams..." (she's a ditzy blond, vintage Jeremy Kyle stereotype, like a well built whale)
I simply turned around and mimiced back to her, "haha, you were on the jeremy Kyle Show!"
And a line of perfectly silenced children burst uncontrollably into hysterics. But f**k it, it was my last day
I wish I was there too see that.
Guy in my class at school yawned during a lesson with a strict teacher.
Teacher: Am I boring you, child?
Pupil: Yes, sir. Very much so, sir.
Not so much a quick-witted response, just really really funny.
How about extending this thread, to include pranks? I once went to this big music conference, at Earl's Court, in London, and, as a lot of the people there were wearing name tags, me and a mate were walking around, pretending to know everyone that walked past us. One middle-aged bloke even swore he knew me, from playing guitar in a band.
I always remember one that I came out with as a lippy Clerical Officer in the Civil Service in Belfast many years ago when I was no more than a lad.
One of the girls , Helen, was going out with a boy from Israel. A friend said to me.
Helen's going out with an Israeli, to which I replied as quick as a flash.
Is she really? but I slurred all the words together and...
Ziiiiiiiiiiinnnng!!!!
I once worked with a rather horrible girl who was about 6foot tall and 16 stone.
This particular work place having some rather unpleasant bullying.
To cut to the chase.
She said
"Every one fancies, including you Joel,"
I replied.
"I could fancy, but I'd have to be a gayman,"
Non one spoke to me for a month, result!
edit.
Just as I finished typing this a policeman's helmet fell on my head.
Quote: sootyj @ December 29 2008, 7:06 PM GMTJust as I finished typing this a policeman's helmet fell on my head.
*snigger*
And I didn't even get a purple heart.
You always remember the day someone called the teacher 'mum'.
I remember when I was a medical student studying to be a doctor and Sir Lancelot Spratt asked me what the bleeding time was - and quick as a flash I said half past two, sir.
Actually no hang on a minute, that wasn't me that was Tim.
My friend ran out infront of a car when we were younger, the bloke stopped just in time, got out really pissed off and said 'What's your name, I'll be telling your mother and father' my friend said 'Why, they already know it' and then ran off leaving me standing there.
Ha!