Newbie - any comments on my new sitcom idea?

I have only just found this site and already I'm taking the daunting step of posting my work for some constructive criticism! The first two scenes are below. Please excuse any script formatting inaccuracies - this is my first attempt! Comments received gratefully. But please take it easy..

Track Tributes
(A working title very much still "in progress"!)

A tale of a struggling ageing rock tribute band in their early forties – main characters are the three band members, Johnny (lead vocals and keyboard), Kelvin (guitar), Mick (drummer and very non-vocal) plus their hapless Tour Manager, Slug (attractive good looking and believes himself to be single) his not too bright girlfriend, Jane (in charge of marketing and PR for the band). It also features Jane's more normal friend, Dawn who has a huge as yet unfulfilled crush on Johnny – Dawn is the only one with a 9-5 job but she is plagued by insecurities due to her larger than average size.

Scene 1. Day. Ext.
High street in town. Slug pulls up in the car. The car is a Lada, with windows held up with cellotape and is very loud as the exhaust clearly needs replacing.
CUT TO:
Int. Inside the cafe Johnny is sitting with Kelvin and Mick. Johnny has no food but Mick has a huge plate of food in front of him. Kelvin is finishing off an ice cream sundae.
Johnny:Fridge alert.
Slug comes in looking pleased with himself.
Kelvin:Hi Slug!
Slugtalking to the owner of the caff) Frank, my man, bacon sarnie please!
Slug sits next to the guys who have to move up to make space.
Johnny:Morning
Slug helps himself to a piece of Mick's toast – Mick growls under breath. Slug sits and smiles smugly at the others leaning back.
Johnny:Well?
Slug:You'll be pleased to know that our little cashflow problem will shortly be sorted.
Johnnyorted?
Slug:Yep. At least for this month.
Johnnysuspiciously) How?
Slug:I've got you guys a gig. Tomorrow night. Cash up front. Guaranteed.
Johnny: (suspiciously) Yeh?
Kelvin:Wow, really?
Slug:Yep
Kelvin:That's great – (turning to Johnny) isn't it?
Slugsmugly)I know. Well, that's what I'm here to do PAUSE to get you the best opportunities and the best exposure – that's why you pay me so well!
Johnnyon't remind me. And where exactly is this gig? Is it a proper venue ....as in it has a roof and an audience?
Slugf course. What do you take me for?
Johnny:Well, you call yourself a tour manager most of the time....I call you
Frank: (bellowing loudly) : bacon sarnie to table one please!
Slug:That's a bit unfair.
Johnny:Look it's just that when you say you get us the best exposure, what it usually means is that we are playing down in Shelton Square on a Friday night in the middle of winter in the open air bandstand. For three hours.
Slug:The crowds liked it. They loved it and it got you loads of new fans
Johnny:Yeh, the Salvation Army brass band fans who thought the Sally Army were going to be blasting out Finlandia on their trombones in the winter snow.
Slug looks shamefaced fiddling with tomato ketchup. Squeezes it and bit shoots out of top.
Johnny(grabbing hold of ketchup to stop Slug squirting it everywhere) Yeh, and I nearly got hyperthermia, freezing my bits off out there. My voice went up a whole octave and I sounded like Robin Gibb.
Kelvino where are we playing then?
Slug:That's the best bit. It's actually a great location. 500 capacity seating. Huge stage....
Johnny:Where is it ?
Slug:Blackpool Pleasure Beach!
Johnny:Blackpool! ( squeezing the ketchup bottle in temper he also squirts ketchup at the ceiling accidentally – he puts the ketchup down in irritation) How in the hell do you expect us to get there?
Slug:Well.... Im still working on that. ...But there's always public transport...
Kelvin: (to Johnny) Is there a bus that goes to Blackpool?
Johnnyincredulously) You're as bad as him!
Sluginspired) There's always the train.
Johnny:We've got no money!
Kelvinputting coins on the table)I've got £4.50!
Johnnyreaching into pocket and putting it on table ) I've got the total sum of £3.75 pence
Slug: (not looking hopeful) I've got a fiver
(All turn to look at Mick who is still eating – without speaking he puts £1.50 on the table)
Slug;(inspired) Jane! She'll have some cash – (gets out his phone to text her – texts and then puts the phone down)That's sorted then. We get some cash off Jane and we get the train.
Johnnyresigned) And what's the deal then -how much do we get paid for this "gig"?
Slug:Ahh, well I was just getting to that...
Johnny looks suspicious
Slugince you guys are doing a special guest appearance, you only have to do one song.
Kelvinne song.?
Slug:Yeh
Johnny: (putting his hands to his head) Oh God
Slug: Just one track.
Johnny looks at him in despair
Kelvino which one do we do?
Johnny and Slug look at him.
Slugsarcastically) Well, I dunno really, I guess seeing as you are the E.U.R.O.P.E. Tribute Band it will probably be their biggest hit?
Kelvininspired) Carrie!
Johnny:The Final Countdown you bloody idiot!
Kelvin: Oh, OK.
All sit thinking
Kelvin: We haven't practised that one for a while.
All look at Kelvin again.
Johnny(to Slug): And the money?
Slug:Well, it's not just about the money because I've heard that a record producer is going to be there this weekend. He's looking to sign up some new talent.
Kelvino there's going to be other bands there too?
Johnny: How much...
Sluguneasy) 250 quid.
Johhny stares at him for a moment
Johnny:Each (hopefully)?
Slug doesn't respond.
Johnny; You've gotta be kidding. You want us to go to Blackpool, for just 250 quid?
Slug:Look ...I know it seems like a long way for a one off gig but it's a good opportunity for you guys to get seen. You know the right faces and places could make all the difference. Trust me.
Johnny:Trust you? It'll be a waste of time. And money we don't have. The rent has to be paid in three days time Slug. And you need to come up with half of it.
Disappointed Johnny sits back. Realising he should be feeling disappointed too, Kelvin slumps back awkwardly.
Slug:Come on guys. Where's the enthusiasm? Where's the energy???
No response from anyone
Slugo are we going or wot?
Johnnyshaking his head) Do we have a choice? Listen, this is how it's going to work. You (pointing) get the train tickets,...somehow (indicating the change on the table) and we'll go.
Slug: That's more like it!
Kelvinexcitedly to Frank as he clears their table) We're going to Blackpool tomorrow.
Frank:That's nice. You lads going to see the Illuminations?
Kelvinturning to Slug) Are they playing there as well?
Frank looks at him confused. Johnny shakes his head
Johnny: (to Frank) Slug has got us a gig in Blackpool tomorrow night.
Frankh, right. Good luck then fellas.
Johnny : Cheers Frank
Frank tries to clear Mick's plate who is still eating and he growls at him.
Slug:Er, I don't think he's done yet Frank.
Frank lets go nervously and returns to the kitchen.
Johnnystanding up) You can get this one. Call me later.
Slug:Yeah, will do. No problemo. Safe.
Kelvin: (standing up to follow Johnny) Who are the Illuminations then? Johnny?
Slug looks at him. Kelvin rushes off after Johnny. Mick is still sat at the table and now starts licking his plate clean. Slug is disgusted and picks up the money on the table.
Mick:Happy days

CUT TO:
Scene 2. Day. Ext.
" Titillations". A high street naughty lingerie shop chain which sells everything from rubber underwear to handcuffs and chocolate body cream.
Jane walks up to the shop. Pauses to look admiringly at the mannequin clad in rubber body suit and then enters shop.
CUT TO:
Int. Dawn is at the till. She is trying to get a pair of handcuff /foot chain manacles undone from hands of the Customer in front of her. The Customer's wife is standing next to him looking very shamefaced. The man is clearly naked underneath the long mack.
DawnTrying to insert key into lock) Just stand still please sir
Customerannoyed) I am. (struggling to keep the coat pulled tight around him).
Dawn continues to fiddle with the lock. Jane approaches the desk.
Dawnto Jane) Oh hi Jane. I'll be with you in just a mo...(levers the handcuffs apart and they spring open) Done it!
Customerrubbing wrists) I'm free! Thank God for that...I thought I'd never get out of those things. (glares at his wife)
Dawn reaches in to the till and hands over the cash refund to the Customer's wife who smiles and puts it in her purse. They are both keen to get out of the shop fast.
Dawn:I can only apologise on behalf of Titillations.
CustomerCustomer looks at her, buttons up mack and heads off for the door. Wife running after him) Come on Slyvia.
Shot of the rear (literally) of the customer as the mack which has a single vent up to the waist flaps open revealing his red thong underneath.
Jane winces.
Dawnnoticing Jane's discomfort and wincing too) Oh, you see it all here.
Jane:I bet
Dawn:Just the other day, I had a gorgeous young man come in to ask if he could get a replacement wig for his Sexy Samantha blonde haired blow up doll.
Jane:A replacement what?
Dawn:Wig. You know the fake hair they stick on those plastic dolls. Apparently he tried to do her hair with a pair of ceramic straighteners.
Jane: It didn't work?
Dawnexasperated) No. (explaining) the hair is acrylic PAUSE
Janenot understanding) Oh right
(Another customer approaches the till. An elderly man, Customer 2 buys a pot of chocolate body rub. Dawn serves him.)
Dawn:That will be 4.50 please sir.
Jane watches the man with disgust.
Customer 2handing over the cash) Er...I wonder if you could tell me Miss, is it safe to warm this up – I much prefer hot chocolate!
Jane is aghast. Dawn is polite
Dawn;Yes of course sir. Just pop it in the microwave for about 30 seconds and it's nice and warm!
Customer2:Good oh.
Dawn: (pops it into the bag and hands it to Customer 2) Thank you very much Sir – please come again!
Customer 2 grinning in a dirty old man way) I will!
Dawn and Jane pause to watch Customer 2 walk out of shop. Customer 2 stops at naughty lingerie section where his nubile young girlfiend is waiting and she puts her arms though his and they walk out together.
Jane:That's absolutely gross
Dawn smiles
Jane: I don't think I'll be able to eat chocolate ever again!
Dawnh it's actually quite nice that chocolate body paste.
Jane:Really? Have you tried it?
Dawnembarrassed) only a little
Janeintrigued and leaning forward ) Yeah? (nudging her arm) Tell me! Tell me!
Dawnembarrassed) well PAUSE I just dipped my finger in the tub really. That was it.
Janelaughing) Did it taste good???
Dawn:Yeah, I spose! A bit sickly though!
Janeo who's the lucky bloke. I didn't even know you were seeing anyone.
Dawnh, I'm not. I was alone at the time..
Jane mouths "Oh"

At the halfway stage, it's an interesting idea and there doesn't seem to be all that many band based sitcoms.

But it's far to gag light and the characters are samey and a little cliched.

Also the dialogue is very expositional.

expositional. -that's one hell of a word for the feastive season. I had to get out my Dictionary.

Quote: bigfella @ December 27 2008, 11:35 AM GMT

expositional. -that's one hell of a word for the feastive season. I had to get out my Dictionary.

View original

Get it out again and look up festive!

Quote: Marc P @ December 27 2008, 11:46 AM GMT

Get it out again and look up festive!

View original

A fine cock up!!!

Actually on a serious note feastive is a great word!

"The trouble with band-based sitcoms is that at some point music will have to come into the equation and we'll have to see them performing which creates technical problems."
Those were the exact words used by a high-up guy in the BBC about my own idea for a band-based sitcom.

I think the reason why we don't see much band-based comedy is because they're always getting rejected for a variety of reasons. Not least because This Is Spinal Tap still resonates as one of the fathers of modern comedy and nobody wants to be compared to that.

Personally though I think it could work given the right writing and cast. One of my favourite comedy films is Still Crazy starring Bill Nighy, about an ageing rock band getting back together. It was beautifully-written with definite nods to Spinal Tap and worked really well.

Still Crazy is a good laugh.

Thanks for your views. I will keep writing and feedback is appreciated. The idea came from a series of plays I wrote with a pal twenty years ago..now I have done all sorts of jobs since then - my pal went into journalism and has done very well thank you and she suggested reviving the plays for TV. Up until recently I was running a riotous pub, I think I have a load of ideas, just need the medium to get it right! And yes, I did have a Lada with no exhaust and windows held up with sellotape. And it was nicknamed the Fridge. Anyway, thanks for reading - I will keep writing.
Becky aka Happy Heiffer

Expositional happens to be one of my favourite words, even if it describes my leasdt favourite style of writing.

All story telling is exposition - it is how you handle it that is what makes the difference between a good story teller and a bad.

Expositional dialogue is what I was referring to.

Which is neccesary, but in small doses.

All dialogue is expositional. If it doesn't reveal anything it shouldn't be in there. Like I say. It's how you do it that counts.

There is a diference between.

I am a serial killer and would like to tempt you home to eviserate you cos I'm dead evil.

and

We could go back to my place and see my etchings. You trust me? Does anyone know where you are tonight?

Not much of one.

But are you attempting to tell me what I have already told you?

And I am making the point because people use 'expostion' as a bad word without really understanding the craft of story telling. And I mean professionals here mainly.