A PANICKED AND QUICKLY SET UP UFO LANDING SITE, SOLDIERS AND SCIENTISTS AND OTHER SORTS BUSTLE AROUND.
A GENERAL AND A CHIEF SCIENTIST ARE DRAGGING BOB WITH THEM TOWARDS THE GIANT GLOWING LANDED ALIEN SPACE SHIP.
BOB
Who are you people? What the hell I am doing here?
GENERAL
This is so secret if I told you, I'd have to shoot you. Then shoot myself, it's to secret even for me to know.
SCIENTIST
General Winchester, secrecy doesn't matter if we don't make contact with our visitors every one's going to know when they annihilate the planet.
BOB
Look this is ridiculous I write...
GENERAL
I'll tell you what's ridiculous alien's land, they've studied our culture but we can't work out how to communicate.
JEAN MICHELLE JAR WALKS PAST PUSHING A BIG STACK OF FANCY ELECTRONIC KEYBOARDS AND LIGHTS, SOME HAVE BEEN SHOT UP.
SCIENTIST
And now we seem to be angering them.
A SOLDIER PUSHES A WHEEL BARROW FULL OF THE BURNING REMAINS OF SOME MIMES.
BOB
But I work for the BBC I write sitcoms, what can I offer?
SCIENTIST
Sitcoms from the 70s seem to be the only format of human communication they understand.
THEY ARRIVE AT THE SPACE SHIP.
THERE IS A COLLECTION OF FEARFUL ELITE SOLDIERS, A COUPLE OF WARDROBES AND SOME COSTUMES BY IT.
GENERAL
Men when you signed up for the SEALs you knew your country might ask you to make the supreme sacrifice. Well that day may have come.
SEALS (AS ONE)
Yes sir!
SCIENTIST
Now direct, them direct them as you never have before.
BOB
Ok you trousers off hide in the cupboard, you put a dress on and pick up a tea pot. You put the machine gun down and put on the dog collar you're the confused vicar.
BOB HANDS OUT SCRIPTS.
A SEAL STARTS SOBBING
SEAL
I'm scared, I wasn't scared when I shot the real Saddam. I'm just not funny.
BOB SLAPS HIM.
BOB
Get a hold of yourself, dying is easy, comedy is hard. But this isn't funny it's farce, hell I wrote for Clone so no one's expecting laughter.
THE DOOR OPENS IN THE SPACE SHIP AN EERIE LIGHT APPEARS FOLLOWED BY SOME TENTACLES.
BOB
And action.
SEAL IN DRESS
Tim where are you? The vicars here for tea and your boss is coming for dinner to talk about your promotion.
SEAL DRESSED AS A VICAR
Yes and you know he hates men hiding in cupboards not wearing trousers.
A VAST SQUAMISH SQUID LIKE THING DESCENDS THE RAMP FROM THE SPACE SHIP.
SEAL IN DRESS
Tim ooh I think he's here now, where are you Tim?
ALIEN OPENS IT'S BEAK AND SPEAKS IN AN UNEARTHLY SOUL SHATTERING HOWL
ALIEN
Hello Margaret, hello Vicar where's Timothy? I want to discuss his promotion I hope he's not hiding in a cupboard, with no trousers and a pile of misdirected mail order porn.
SCIENTIST CRYING WITH JOY
We did it, we did it, rubbish 70s comedy has saved the Earth.
GENERAL
Thank God and thank God it wasn't a Goons fan.