Found this, quite immature but it made me laugh.
Purely in the interests of curiosity, I have replaced the word "wand" with "cock" in a couple of the Harry Potter Books
Let's see the results...
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me cock in half an' everything
A magic cock... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first cock. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice cock for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany cock. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the cock. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the cock above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's cock, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's cock had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his cock out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his cock, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his cock at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his cock very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his cock
Then, with a sigh, he raised his cock and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised cock.
