Small slice of my sitcom

This is a small scene from my sitcom, never posted a piece of work before to be savaged by you lot, so please, no steel toe caps.

SCENE 5 INT: DANNYS HOUSE, KITCHEN.

DANNY AND LENNY ARE IN THE KITCHEN
SORTING THEIR WASHING OUT.

DANNY:
Baz has alredy got a load in, I think it's finished.

LENNY HAS GOT A PILE OF WASHING AND PICKS UP
A PAIR OF PANTS AND SNIFFS THEM, THEN A PAIR
OF SOCKS.

Oh my God! what the bleeding hell are doing
you sick man?

LENNY:
What?

DANNY:
Why would you want to sniff a pair of your old
dirty pants you weirdo.

LENNY:
Well they might be clean.

DANNY JUST LOOKS EXPRESSIONLESS

I've been meaning to get a laundry basket but you
know how it is, always meaning to do something but
never getting round to doing it.

DANNY JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND
STARTS EMPTYING THE WASHING MACHINE.

DANNY:[SMELLING WASHING AS HE TAKES IT OUT]
Wow, tell you what, if you want to improve the
flavour of your pants Lenny you want to use some
of Baz's conditioner, his washing smells lovely,
all girlie and.....Oh my good God!

DANNY HOLDS UP A GREAT BIG PAIR OF WOMANS
KNICKERS.

I've heard of washing my smalls but this takes the
biscuit.

LENNY:
Wow! you could get two arses in there.

DANNY:
You know what this means?

LENNY:
Yeah, Baz needs to lose some weight around his bum.

DANNY THEN HOLDS UP A VERY POSH LOOKING DRESS

DANNY:
Baz is a tranny!

LENNY:
That's good, it'll be nice to have some female
company around here.

DANNY:
Not only does he like dressing up as a woman he's
got to be a big one as well, what the hell are we
going to say to him?

LENNY:
Just tell him size 14 is more his size and rah rah
skirts are back in.

DANNY:
I thought he's been acting srange lately, early
nights, always in the bathroom, and my God he smells
lovely.

LENNY LOOKS AT DANNY IN ASTONISHMENT.

This is an illness, we can't say anything to him,
and hopefully he'll grow out of it.

LENNY:[HOLDING DRESS UP]
That'll take some doing to grow out of that.

THE SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR CAN BE HEARD OPENING
THEN CLOSING.

DANNY:
Quick she's back!

PANICKING THEY QUICKLY PUT THE CLOTHES DOWN AND
TRY TO LOOK BUSY, DANNY LOADS HIS WASHING IN THE
MACHINE AND LENNY PICKS UP A MAGAZINE OFF THE SIDE
WHICH HAPPENS TO BE COSMOPOLITON.

BAZ:
Alright boys?

DANNY:
Yes dear, I mean mate, how's your day been?

BAZ:
Well, I've been rushed off my feet, I'm shattered,
I might have a nice bubble bath, take a bottle of
wine upstairs and snuggle up in bed and watch TV....
Ooh, and I'll take that if you don't mind.

BAZ SNATCHES MAGAZINE OF LENNY.

see you later.

BAZ WALKS OUT OF KITCHEN.

LENNY:
Well he seems alright to me.

DANNY LOOKS EXPRESSIONLESS.

FADE TO:

It's difficult to get a grasp of whats going on through this small scene. The extract concentrates on one joke really, and as things stand it rests on a sexual orientation gag that is played out to an almost obvious conclusion. Although I didn't dislike your two main characters there was nothing that really stood out that differentiates one from the other. If that was scene 5 it would be interesting to see scenes 1 to 4 so as to see what the whole sitcom is about and where it is going.

Def.

Thanks for your comment, I deliberately put a mid episode scene on just to see if characters would hold up enough for people to be interested to know more about them. It's the first time I've put something on here and was a bit aprehensive.

Understably so. The first time I put something up here for critique I was nervous beyond belief. But it definitely helped to have people comment on my work. You just need to develop a hard skin because you can't please everyone, and what may be a comedy gem to one person may seem like utter crap to another. The good thing is that you do get some descent feedback here. Even negative feedback can be useful as long as it's done in a friendly way.

If you feel like you want to post more then I will definitely read it and add my honest thoughts.

Def.

Any feedback is welcome, positive or negative, I'll see how much gets read on here before I put any more up.

Hi mate.

It's not bad at all, just not the finished article, if you get what I mean!

I liked where Danny was expressing surprise/concern and Lenny was looking at the positives and I'd recommend a minor change thus:

from

"DANNY:
I thought he's been acting srange lately, early
nights, always in the bathroom, and my God he smells
lovely.

LENNY LOOKS AT DANNY IN ASTONISHMENT.

This is an illness, we can't say anything to him,
and hopefully he'll grow out of it."

to

"DANNY:
I thought he's been acting srange lately, early
nights, always in the bathroom.

LENNY:
And my God he smells lovely.

DANNY LOOKS AT LENNY IN ASTONISHMENT.

DANNY:
This is an illness, we can't say anything to him,
and hopefully he'll grow out of it."

Sort of continues the Danny/concern - Lenny/positive theme.

Just my twopenneth.

I look forward to more when you're ready.

Cheers, yeah your version would work as well, Baz is a bit strange, Lenny is a baffoon and Danny thinks he's the sane one ,but they're all losers.