Merry Christmas all, got some nice sitcoms for christmas on my DVD. Hope you all having a good day! Watching The Larkins atm
CHRISTMAS! Page 50
Merry Christmas 
Happy Christmas all...
Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ 25th December 2020, 10:28 AM
What did John Lennon say to Ian Curtis? I know you're depressed, but nothing to get hung about.
Quote: paulted @ 25th December 2020, 10:38 AM.......................and he who is the the one we all must cherish from all those years ago. Noddy Holder,1973.
What did the coroner say to one of his colleagues at a seance?
Last christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it a weigh......
The neighbor lady just passed a slice of breakfast quiche over the fence, so my morning hasn't been a total dud.
Quote: paulted @ 25th December 2020, 4:11 PMWhat did the coroner say to one of his colleagues at a seance?
Last christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it a weigh......
Sold me a phoney set of scales. Never gotta weigh with it.
"You Are Not Alone".
When she deliberately quoted a Michael Jackson song, was it some sort of subtle statement to rule out unequivocally that Andrew had ever visited Neverland?
Anyone else find Fairytale Of New York becoming unbearable? Its just tiresome now.
Quote: paulted @ 26th December 2020, 8:00 PMAnyone else find Fairytale Of New York becoming unbearable? Its just tiresome now.
Nope. It's a classic.
As long as Kirsty's family gets something every time it's played
So, yeah, It was alright. Ate all me bread and dripping and assumed I would be alone. But mid-afternoon there was a rattle at me letterbox. I had a Christmas visit from a tyrannosaurus rex. I said to him there is no way you are coming in here. You could have coronavirus. So come round me back alley and I will do a full genetic test. Well, almost incredibly what transpired was that he was a distant relative of the late Marc Bolan. As soon as I mentioned Gloria Jones, that was it. He was in floods of tears. Hardly tinsel and lights. Course I immediately recognised that blood is not only thicker than water but it produces it. Taking me tissue from me back pocket to dry his eyes mate, I said to him I knew it was hard for him to take but me mind had been made up. There are plenty more fish in the sea. I know it, I said to him reassuringly. Do you want cod, tuna or haddock to see how much this pain hurts or to stick with scrappings and mushy peas?
Anyhow, there is no one like Gloria round these parts. Consequently, I wasn't expecting him to want to live in me shed for ever more. But oh yes he does. Oh no he doesn't. Oh yes he does. And as I need company so desperately, like a fool I have agreed to it. He knows the score. Either he was going to have to wank off to pornography there or else become a monk. As his paws couldn't reach his penis, he was immediately on bleeding Zoom talking about the Bible with the ex Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams. Bloody incredible. On the plus side, these sorts of characters when not scale and fang deep in Leviticus tend do worthy and even helpful stuff like gardening. So I've just resigned myself to it all. I will just sit on me fat arse as some prehistoric religious loon works his bollocks off in Spring to give me a display of petunias.
Then me bell was rung again. Would you credit it. It was only Jack Grealish, weren't it. He'd just flown down from the Bullring, insisting on having a game of strip Canasta. I had said come round Boxing Day if you have to but he'd found a time bending contrail so his private glider had got here supersonically. I won every round, not that I got any money out of him.. His shirt came off, then by 5pm he is down to just his socks with his todger hanging out. I had to say to him, look mate, I'm not able to give you babies, so why don't you display your skills to me neighbours. Next he was out there. Still no pants on. Loads of shrieking from some and the local tart (who is actually a Wolves fan) with her knickers off. It wasn't what I had in mind.
Bring, bring, bring. There it was again except it wasn't me door bell this time but something round the neck of a reindeer. You've guessed it Daddy Christmas and what looked like half of Chester Zoo tunnelling down me chimney. Did he have anything useful in his bulging sack? Did he 'eck as like. Turns out he is from Turkmenistan and not from Lapland at all. He's an ex young offender who doesn't give anything including a toss and only sells. Did I want I set of two hankies for the mature single gentleman, secateurs with a built in Alexa, Beijing laundered rubber gloves for me draining board or just a torch without batteries? To say that I was less than enamoured would be an understatement. I said play me a tune on that violin you've got on your sleigh. You'll get just five bob from me and a bunch of lucky heather. So, yeah he fiddled. I jigged.
Let me be unequivocally clear. I never for a moment wanted any of them in my bed, not least because I had masturbated at breakfast time - and it was only corn flakes - to Joanna Lumley's video on behalf of the Actors' Benevolent Trust. So it was an almost unbelievable coincidence when she also turned up. Alone? Yeah right. She was with five bedridden Equity card holders, 100 vegetarians and a 2,000 strong force of gurkhas. All of them were in thigh length leather boots and peephole bras just to please who they called "Miss". She though oddly seemed to scarper. I found her on the roof of me shed doing a striptease just as me dinosaur was insisting on being called The Metal Guru of the Flowerbeds or The Real Justin Welby.
Well, that's it. They can all do what they sodding well like. It's been more than a day now and I'm back in me own room. I just thank Christ I ordered on Amazon those mechanical tits and a young grandmother's unwashed knickers or else me anxiety ratings would be sky high. Not that I can still get into me own bathroom as all of them are in there having an orgy. Consequently, I can't even soap down the cleavage, let alone the gusset. It's not that I am intolerant. Could have coped with it all if it wasn't the fact that I had cleared me diary to prepare for decent company tomorrow. That's when Churchill, Attlee, Lloyd George and Cynthia Payne are all being especially reincarnated just so they can have Christmas muffins with me while debating the new Brexit agreement. Personally, I feel it could have been done in one line - but there we are.
Hancockfest here.
Got series 5 for Xmas and The Rebel is on TV in a minute
Quote: paulted @ 26th December 2020, 8:00 PMAnyone else find Fairytale Of New York becoming unbearable? Its just tiresome now.
yeah. Novelty's worn off. Like Wrapping paper - a Christmas song about how crap Christmas is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Genius.
Quote: john tregorran @ 27th December 2020, 5:40 AMHancockfest here.
Tee hee.