Little Sitcom Piece

Just a short opening bit from a little sitcom I'm playing with about a couple of guys who leave their job to run their own company (think Friends with less people mixed with The Apprentice via Jerry Maguire). Lots more of it but I know what this place is like for long stuff followed by few responses!

INT. OWEN'S OFFICE - MORNING

OPEN ON A SMALL OFFICE. MIKE JONES (31, SLICK, SMART SUIT) AND TIM ROBERTS (43, GREYING, CRUMPLED SUIT) ARE SAT ONE SIDE OF A DESK. THE CHAIR IS EMPTY THE OTHER SIDE.
MIKE IS MAKING STRANGE FACES INTO A PIN ART EXECUTIVE TOY, ONE OF MANY EXECUTIVE TOYS DOTTED ABOUT THE DESK.

TIM
Do you think he knows?

MIKE
Twenty years ago all you needed was a great big desk and a Newtons Cradle.

TIM
You were ten. (BEAT) I think he knows.

MIKE PUTS DOWN THE PIN TOY AND PICKS UP A STRESS BALL.

MIKE
I had my dreams. And he doesn't know.

TIM
You dreamt of enlarged furniture?

MIKE
I saw Wall Street, that was the start. Visions of my own office, big leather chair. I wanted to be Michael Douglas.

TIM
That's funny, because my Dad made me a wooden sword for playing gladiators.

MIKE
Really?

TIM
I am Spartacus.

MIKE
I am (BEAT) Wolf. No, Hunter cause he hooked up with Ulrika Johnson.

OWEN (40, FAT, BALD) ENTERS WITH A COFFEE, DONUT AND A CRUTCH. HE LEANS THE CRUTCH AGAINST THE WALL AND SITS AT HIS DESK, OPPOSITE MIKE AND TIM.

OWEN
Some idiot's parked in my space.

OWEN ANGRILY STRAIGHTENS THE TOYS MIKE PLAYED WITH.

TIM
Don't worry, only a few minutes late.

OWEN
That wasn't an apology.

MIKE
(pointing at the crutch)
Has the attitude spread to your leg?

DESK PHONE RINGS AND OWENS PICKS IT UP.

OWEN
(into the phone)
Owen (PAUSE) I'm in a disabled bay because someone's in my space (PAUSE) he's just upset I saw the gap first (PAUSE) oh sure, the police will care (PAUSE) alright, alright.

HE HANGS UP THEN PASSES THE CRUTCH TO TIM.

OWEN (CONT)
Go to reception, you're looking for the guy that's either sat down or unstable. Give him that.

TIM
And say what?

OWEN
Tell him if he wants to fight over a space again, come prepared. Working limbs at least.

TIM LEAVES WITH THE CRUTCH.

CUT TO:

INT. OWEN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

TIM RETURNS AND SITS BACK WITH MIKE AND OWEN.

OWEN
I discovered something upsetting yesterday but Jones here can't think what it might be.

MIKE
(to Tim)
I reckon somewhere's closed but I'm up to T and it's not Thorntons or TGI's.

OLIVER SMILES CALMLY AND IGNORES MIKE.

OWEN
Recognise this Mr Roberts?

OWEN POINTS TO A LAP TOP ON HIS DESK. MIKE AND TIM SHRUG.

OWEN (CONT)
Chaps from IT were in yesterday. Lap top checks for inappropriate images.

OWEN TURNS ON THE LAPTOP.

OWEN (CONT)
I've always felt that one man, alone with his camera, hurts no one. But, seems I'm in the minority. (to Tim) So I swapped my computer...

OWEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAW. A LAP TOP IS INSIDE IT.

OWEN (CONT)
...with yours.

TIM
Good luck with the randomly generated alphanumeric password then.

OWEN LIFTS UP THE LAPTOP ON HIS DESK. A PASSWORD IS TIPPEXED UNDERNEATH.

MIKE
The mixing of upper and lower case would have slowed him down.

TIM
So what? I've got nothing bad on it.

OWEN
How do you define bad though?

MIKE
Cheesy stuff set prisons or hospitals.

TIM AND OWEN STARE AT MIKE.

OWEN
No images. But there were plenty of interesting e-mails to clients.

OWEN LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR TO SEE HOW MIKE AND TIM REACT.

TIM
(to Mike)
He knows.

MIKE
Yeah, maybe.

MIKE REACHES INTO HIS TROUSERS AND REMOVES THE STRESS BALL.

MIKE (CONT)
That's certainly not going to be as funny as I planned.

MIKE PLACES THE BALL ON OWENS DESK. OWEN LOOKS DISGUSTED.

Pete, I think for sitcom you have to up the gag ratio a tad. And clarify a bit more. Reads more like Glengarry Glenross than a sitcom at the minute. Liked the crutch reveal. As it were.

hmmm...maybe I need to tone the gags down and join a play writing forum!

Well Glengarry Glenross was brilliant!

Yeah, pity all the actors are monster movie stars...would be nice to get one in my sitcom but none of those guys would stoop so low as to be in a shitty little English sitcom

You could probably get the ugly Baldwin brother.

Stephen? He's a bit nuts now. Maybe I could have him shoot someone from the other side of the office for getting a coffee then scream "oslwald was a pussy" at them?

What if I cast Stephen Baldwin, Spacey Hoppey, Ed the Duck, Al Fonso and bust Pryce out of his Clone contract?

Yup,that's the one.

But surely he should scream 'Coffee is for closers!' before he shoots him?

I was trying to amalgamte his Usual Suspects dialogue with his brothers character. Maybe if he just throws his brass balls at Walter Matthau.

I like the feel of the characters and I like how the gags work.

But it's a banterish and the characters seem quite similar.

But it feels real and reads enjoyably.

Quote: sootyj @ December 17 2008, 12:12 PM GMT

But it's a banterish and the characters seem quite similar.

View original

Thats a fair point....although the next scene (where it all goes wrong for them) is where the contrast between the two is highlighted.

Quote: Pete @ December 17 2008, 12:24 PM GMT

Thats a fair point....although the next scene (where it all goes wrong for them) is where the contrast between the two is highlighted.

View original

I'd start with the scene where everything goes wrong.

Quote: Pete @ December 17 2008, 12:24 PM GMT

Thats a fair point....although the next scene (where it all goes wrong for them) is where the contrast between the two is highlighted.

View original

I'd say start with a bang.

Enjoyed it though.

This extract does very little for me. It seems like a lot of banter and the jokes are rather sparse and not funny. I'm not getting much from the characters either at this point. If you say the next section is where it all starts to happen then why not make that your first section and hit the ground running as opposed to a more laid back set up? I would say that your extract is around 4 pages long, and although that's early days, I personally would want to be immersed in the characters world by this point. At present I'm not.

Def.