First Posting of Work - Be Gentle

This is a scene in a sitcome I am working on. I'd love to hear your views.

SCENE 01/08 BERTS OFFICE. INT

BERT AND HANCOCK ARE SAT EATING AND DRINKING WINE.

BERT
What a bloody day Hancock. How do I get myself in these positions? The King
wants me to help capture the heart of Sir George. The Queen is demanding the
same. Then the Cardinal wants me to help bump off the Queen. Finally Mistres Mary wants me to set her up with the Queen for spot of lady love.

HANCOCK
Does sound a bit complicated.

BERT
Complicated? Bit of a bloody understatement.

HANCOCK
Well if I might stick my finger into the pie.

BERT
Must you Hancock? I saw where you were sticking it earlier you dirty little
bastard. I've warned you about theQueen. Given half a chance she'll swallow you whole.

HANCOCK
(Grins, Looking smug)
............ yes she most certainly did.

BERT LOOKS REPULSED

BERT
Are you going to help me or not?

HANCOCK
Okay let me see if I have this right,

REACHES OVER TO GET A PARCHMENT AND QUILL. WRITES AS HE TALKS.

The King wants Sir George

BERT
Right.

HANCOCK
The Queen also wants Sir George.

BERT
Right.

HANCOCK
But Sir George and the Cardinal want the Queen out the picture.

BERT
Yes, to the clear the way for Lady Mary with the King.

HANDCOCK
But Lady Mary herself is keen on doing a little spadework in the Queen's special lady garden.

BERT
Right

HANCOCK THINKS VERY CAREFULLY, NODDING HIS HEAD A LOT

HANCOCK
Umm...Umm..Yes I have it

BERT
Well, what is it? What's the answer?

HANCOCK
Can't be done. Bugger off to France.

There's to little context for me to judge.

I have to say it didn't make me smile.

You may be going for wacky situations over funny relationships, which isn't good for sitcom.

Presumably this is a farce, so a scene out of context is not going to reveal much. The scene itself is odd though - why are you summing up the plot to date? Is this intended as the start of the episode, a la Rene's monologues in Allo Allo?

It's difficult to judge as it's only a small extract. Is this a period piece set a few centuries ago or some modern day setting? As it stands there was nothing funny here for me - but this could all change depending on the context and what else you have written.

Def.

period piece with no laughs and a few cock/fingering gags....gonna need to give us more than that!

The very last bit reminded me a bit of one of Baldricks cunning plans.

Who is 'Bert'?
Or more relevant, what is Bert?
He appears to be a confidant of most of the senior players in the royal court.
You set the premis through Bert's dialogue then you proceed to repeat it by having some kind of interchange, supposedly meant to be banter?
As others point out, too little to make a proper judgement.
Chuck some more on and let's see.

Many Thanks for your comments. Here is a little bit more. The opening. The basic idea is that we are in the court of Henry VIII. However our view of history is twisted and in this sitcom Henry is in fact gay and Katherine of Aragon is man crazy. A farce.

SCENE 1/01 CROMWELL'S OFFICE. INT

A SMALL DARK TUDOR PERIOD OFFICE, LIT BY CANDLES. IN THE BACKGROUND A LARGE CANVAS STANDS WITH PICTURE FACING AWAY FROM SCREEN. BEHIND THE CANVAS A FAT MAN DRESSED AS A CARDINAL (WOLSEY) PACES UP AND DOWN SHAKING HIS HEAD WITH A WORRIED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. IN THE FOREGROUND, A SMALL MAN DRESSED IN BLACK (CROMWELL) WRITES ON PARCHMENT WITH A QUILL.

CROMWELL
(whispering to camera)
Disaster has struck. The King's new portrait is finished.

WOLSEY
(shaking his head vigorously)
Oh no

CROMWELL
This the man who commissioned it.
My master, His Grace, the Cardinal Wolesy.
Leading contender to be the next Pope.

WOLSEY
Oh Jesus F**king Christ

CROMWELL
As you may have guessed... he doesn't approve of the finished work.

CROMWELL STANDS AND WALKS OVER TO WOLSEY

CROMWELL
I really don't see the problem your Grace.
It's a very good likeness of His Majesty

WOLSEY
Good likeness?..... You bloody fool Cromwell!
I can see it's a good likeness. What use is paying
for the greatest portrait painter in Europe
if all you get is a bloody good likeness? What about stretching
the bounds of creativity? Where's the ingenuity?
The fanciful? I expected flamboyance Cromwell.....
you know, a certain panache.

WOLSEY POINTS TO THE PICTURE

This f**king portrait depicts the King of England,
his royal majesty Henry VIII. The King should be big, bold
and powerful and ( makes growling noise like lion)
but it's more like ohhhhhhhhhh.

VIEW OF PORTRAIT OF VERY THIN PATHETIC LOOKING MAN DRESSED AS HOLBEIN'S HENRY VIII PORTRAIT.

CUT TO :

SCENE 01/02 The Throne Room .Int

CLOSE UP OF KING HENRY VIII ON THRONE IN SAME POSE AS PORTRAIT. HENRY IS LOOKING BORED. PERIOD MUSIC IS PLAYING. CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW A DANCE IS TAKING PLACE IN THE THRONE ROOM. WOLSEY STANDS BEHIND THE THRONE. A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE BLONDE GIRL (Anne Bolyen) ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (George Bolyen). HENRY TAKES INTEREST IN THE NEW ARRIVALS.

HENRY
Wolsey, pray tell me. Who is that little minx over there?

WOLSEY
That, your majesty, is the Lady Anne Bolyen.

HENRY
( looking horrified)
What! Not the tart. No Wolsey, who is the fine looking stallion with her?

WOLSEY
(looks perplexed)
That is her brother, Sir George Bolyen.

HENRY
He looks a lusty young buck. I bet he packs
a cracking cod piece, eh Wolsey?

HENRY LEAPS UP AND APPROACHES GEORGE AND ANNE. THEY BOW.

GEORGE + ANNE
Your Majesty

HENRY'S SOLE FOCUS IS ON GEORGE

HENRY
Sir George, I believe. Welcome to court.
How fairs your fathers health?

GEORGE AND ANNE EXCHANGE NERVEOUS GLANCES

GEORGE
You had him executed 3 years ago your majesty

HENRY
Ah yes....excellent. I thought I hadn't seen him for a while.

ANNE
It's a little difficult for him to get about without a head.

GEORGE
Your majesty may I present my sister. The Lady Anne.

HENRY
(sighs)
If you must, Georgie.

GEORGE GIVES ANNE'S HAND TO HENRY WHO KISSES IT WITHOUT REMOVING HIS EYES FROM GEORGE.

HENRY
Enchanted.... Now Georgie. How do you thrust my lad?

GEORGE
Excuse me, Your Majesty?

HENRY
Thrust my lad. How do you thrust....with your lance?

GEORGE LOOKS CONFUSED

HENRY
At the tournaments, Georgie. How do
you joust?

GEORGE
( a look a relief appears over his face)
I hold my own your majesty.

HENRY
(grins)
I bet you do – you big tease

Many thank for the comments Griff.

In answer I have a complete 1st Episode.

You have confirmed some of my concerns.
1. I don't really know how to format a script. I'll have to get that sorted. I just used stuff I picked up from reading others.
2. Too much double entendres...So I think I need to rework those sections to take some of that out.

Thanks for adding some plus points too!

Many helpful comments thanks

Quote: bigfella @ December 17 2008, 12:05 PM GMT

I don't really know how to format a script. I'll have to get that sorted. I just used stuff I picked up from reading others.

View original

You might find this useful:

www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scriptsmart/bbctapedsitcom.pdf

Def.

bigfella,

second installment is an improvement but with some issues, raised mainly elsewhere.
Play down the Wolsey swearing. Unless you're going for a Carry On type characiture then it doesn't do to belittle his standing.
Henry appears so obviously gay (I don't mean effete-then he'd be a queen!) that the introduction of possible female suitors seem irelevant. Play down the gayness. I reckon he'd be outwardly macho for appearance sake.
As mentioned, be aware of the importance of being factually correct. He met Anne through her sister, one of his many mistresses.
Also is he both gay and stupid? Henry VIII was renowned for his intellect.
Spelling of names is important e.g. Boleyn.
Maybe create a fictitious court whose characters you can bend (oops!) to suit.

Shan't go on as it would appear I'm being negative towards it.

Post some more as it is a lot easier to read than some posted here.