Another not-really-right-for-RFTP sketch. Maybe TS will want it.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time there were three little pigs who decided to leave home and find their own houses to live in. The first little pig told his brothers…
PIG 1: I shall build my house out of straw because that's all I can afford with this sub-prime mortgage.
NARRATOR: ...and the second little pig said…
PIG 2: I shall build my house out of sticks as the area I want to live in is prone to flooding and I can only afford the insurance if I build it out of something that will float.
NARRATOR: ...and the third little pig said…
PIG 3: I will have a house made of bricks because that sexy Kirstie Allsopp helped me find a cheap repossession. It needs quite a lot of work but I'm going to phone Sarah Beeny next.
NARRATOR: So the three little pigs went their separate ways and set up their homes. One day there was a knock at the door of the first little pig's straw house. It was the big bad wolf who had been sent round by the bank as the little pig had missed a loan repayment.
WOLF: Little pig, little pig, let me in (BEAT) I've come to repossess your HD television and your blue ray player.
NARRATOR: But the little pig, following some bad advice he'd seen on someone's blog about how to deal with bailiffs said…
PIG 1: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. Not unless you've got a warrant, anyway.
NARRATOR: So the big bad wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the straw house down. Then he took all the pig's stuff and ate him. A few days later there was a knock at the door of the second little pig's house, made of sticks.
WOLF: Little pig, little pig, let me in (BEAT) I've come to fine you for leaving the lid of your wheelie bin very slightly open.
NARRATOR: But the little pig said…
PIG 2: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.
NARRATOR: So the big bad wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the stick house down. Then he gave the pig an hour long lecture on proper recycling techniques and then ate him. A few days after that, there came a knock on the door of the third little pig's brick house.
WOLF: Little pig, little pig, let me in (BEAT) I represent some property developers who want to knock your house down and build some flats.
NARRATOR: But the little pig said…
PIG 3: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. I can't move now, I'm stuck in negative equity.
NARRATOR: So the big bad wolf huffed and he puffed but he couldn't blow the brick house down. Then the wolf had a cunning thought.
WOLF: Right, you little porky bugger, I'm going to come down your chimney and get you.
NARRATOR: Quick as a flash, the little pig put a large pan of water on the fire at the bottom of the chimney. The wolf came down the chimney and plopped right into the boiling water and the pig turned him into soup. Then, because the wolf didn't have a label with the legally required nutritional information, the pig threw the soup away and made himself a nice rocket and pesto salad instead. And the third little pig lived happily ever after, even though both his brothers had been eaten to death. The end.