1
2 OLD LADIES ARE READING THE TV LISTINGS.
ETHEL
Ooh look Sky's showing some bloke avin' euthenasia live from Switzerland.
AGNES
Euna Stubbs, the dirty bastard.
ETHEL
No you silly cow, euthenasia. It's when they kill you with a needls for being ill.
AGNES
Ee how disgusting, have we got Sky?
ETHEL
We haven't got a telly still better complain to the Daily Mail anyway.
AGNES
Anything else on?
ETHEL
Well there's a bloke being murdered on Radio2 and a couple of rapes on Radio4.
AGNES
Lovely, I'll get the Jaffa cakes.
ETHEL
Because death's only disgusting when it's voluntary.
2
ROBERT MUGABE AND MORGAN TASNGARI ARE IN BED TOGETHER.
ROBERT
Morning Morgan, another lovely morning of power sharing in zinging Zimbabwe.
MORGAN
I'm not talking to you.
ROBERT
Oh wipe a tear away Tsangari, why are you so upset?
MORGAN
You stole the whole budget, killed my supporters and, and (crying) you don't care you never give me anything.
ROBERT
I gave you cholera.
MORGAN
Yeh but you gave that to the rest of Zimbabwe and South Africa. You big evil, despotic tart.
ROBERT
There's no pleasing some people
3
QUEEN IS SITTING NEXT TO PHILIP WHO IS ON THE PHONE.
PRINCE
'Ello Prince Phillip speaking who the blazes are you?
PAUSE
What do you mean you want to speak to the man of the house? You cheaky blighter!
LIZ SNATCHES THE PHONE
LIZ
Hello Queen of England available for weddings, Barmitzvahs and executions.
PAUSE
Ah you're American (STARTS SPEAKING SLOWLY AND LOUDLY)
No I don't want to buy a car.
PAUSE
You don't want to sell me a car?
PAUSE
I see, 50 million squids then I'll be in touch.
HANGS UP.
PHILIP
What's was that about my endangered Panda Bear?
LIZ
It's the American car industry my big Panda killer. They want my advice.
PHILIP
What could you tell them?
LIZ
How to get billions of government money, when all you produce are ugly, polluting, monstorities.
PHILIP
To bloody right, we even marry the buggers.