The Royal Bank of Scotland

SCOTTISH BANKER
Och Aye, well it's certainly nice to be back. I wonder where Tam's got tae? It's not like him to be late. I'll just leave his stick of rock on his desk for when he gets here.

An English Banker walks in and sits at Tam's desk

ENGLISH BANKER
Good morning

SCOTTISH BANKER
Good mor.. hang on a minute, who are you? Where's Tam?

ENGLISH BANKER
Oh him? He's gone. I'm Tom. Awfully pleased to meet you. It's Jock isn't it? Thanks ever so much for the rock. Tutti-frutti flavor? How scrumptilicious!

SCOTTISH BANKER
But you're… (he shudders) English.

ENGLISH BANKER
I jolly well hocky-sticking am

SCOTTISH BANKER
Well we don't take too kindly to folk like you round these parts. The Royal Bank of Scotland is for Scottish Bankers.

ENGLISH BANKER
Yes. Well that was before us ‘English Bankers', as you like to call us, took over half of it.

SCOTISH BANKER
What you on aboot?

ENGLISH BANKER
Surely you already knew all this, where have you been for the last few months. Timbuctoo?

SCOTTISH BANKER
Well actually.. aye… I have..

ENGLISH BANKER looks at the stick of rock and reads it

ENGLISH BANKER
So you have! Well I hate to break it to you but your bank has became part nationalized.

SCOTTISH BANKER
It's what?

ENGLISH BANKER
Oh don't worry about it old fellow. The English have come to save the day. Hoo-rrah!

SCOTTISH BANKER stops still, and appears to be having a heart attack. He clutches his chest

ENGLISH BANKER
Oh come off it. That's a slight over reaction.

SCOTTISH BANKER
You… can… take… our… lives, but… you…can't…take…

ENGLISH BANKER
What are you saying? Can you speak a bit clearer? Your accent is very difficult to understand

SCOTTISH BANKER
Can't… take… our…our…fr… fr… frrr…frrrrrr (he falls to the floor and is wriggling about having a fit)

ENGLISH BANKER
What? Freedom? Is that what your trying to say? We can't take your freedom|? Well I don't bloody want your freedom. I just want to work in harmony with you at this bank. Come on old sport.

The SCOTTISH BANKER stops fitting and slowly gets to his knees.

SCOTTISH BANKER
Fricking Jobs. I was trying to say ‘You can take our lives but you can't take our fricking jobs'.

ENGLISH BANKER
Well don't worry. Nobody is going to take your job

Another ENGLISH BANKER called Jack walks in

JACK
Oh hello. I'm Jack. I have come for your fricking job.

SCOTTISH BANKER
Well you can't have it! I will fight my ground. Go back to England and tell them that Scotland's bankers are yours no more. As I have just explained.. you can take our lives but you can never…

JACK takes out a sword out with the intent of taking the SCOTTISH BANKERS life.

SCOTTISH BANKER
On second thoughts…you can have the job. This isn't worth my life…Besides. I have other options. Why.. just before I left for Timbuctoo I was offered a great job with a great company, where I'm sure I'll be much more secure. (he starts to leave)

ENGLISH BANKER
But Jock, wait..where is your job?

SCOTTISH BANKER
Woolworths. (He smiles) Think it will all work out for me?

SCOTTISH BANKER looks at the ENGLISH BANKER with hope in his eyes. The ENGLISH BANKER looks unsure what to say at first

ENGLISH BANKER
(lying through his teeth) Yes.. I'm sure it will… I am very sure it will.

Well written

Great to see you back.

I like the idea but it may be a little long and that dedends the effect a little.

I think if you're doing Bank of Scotland as Bravheheart it's a top idea, but you really need to go for it full tilt.

Mock specific speaches etc.

Quote: sootyj @ December 7 2008, 2:15 PM GMT

I think if you're doing Bank of Scotland as Bravheheart it's a top idea, but you really need to go for it full tilt.

Mock specific speaches etc.

View original

That was my original idea to do it like that but i got stuck along the way with it so started changing it towards the end. When I first wrote it I had the Scottish Banker being killed by the english but i felt so bad that he had been killed that I changed it. I probably shouldn't feel so attached to fictional characters that i have just made up...

I think the issue is pace, in about 2 lines we get that the guys been replaced by an English twerp.

Yeah like it but would like more melodrama from the Scot if you're going to make ti long.

A couple of ideas I had reading:
The Scotsman asks who sent the English Banker, who tells him Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, whereupon the Scot calls them "Trrrrrrraitors to the cause." + "Bottled it after free prescriptions."

Wasn't Bruce hung drawn and quartered at the end of Braveheart? A wordplay could work with something along the lines of "stung, overdrawn and bonuses quartered."

Hung drawn and quaterly reports?

Quote: Rob0 @ December 8 2008, 12:17 AM GMT

Wasn't Bruce hung drawn and quartered at the end of Braveheart?

View original

Ahem. Wallace.

A bit long for a topical sketch, but there are some very nice touches. I loved the Timbuctoo stick of rock.

Ahh wondering if anyone would notice
Oh, ok, knew I should have checked first