BSG Sketch Comp 6-13.12.8

Hi thanx for yer patience and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... TOM CAMPBELL for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Tom Campbell, Afinkawan
1 - 5 - Blobster, Chris Forshaw

Your new subject: LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13 Dec.

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
75 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
61 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
50 - Timbo
47 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Mikey J
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Badge
06 - Tom G
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Summer G
05 - Cool Mikado
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT.EVENING.GUY FAWKES NIGHT

A MAN CARRYING A TORCH AND WEARING PROTECTIVE GOGGLES AND GLOVES APPROACHES AN UNLIT FIREWORK AND LIGHTS THE FUSE AT ARMS LENGH WITH A FUSE WICK. THE MAN THEN RETREATS THE RECOMMENDED SAFE DISTANCE AND STANDS BESIDE AN EMERGENCY BUCKET OF WATER AND WATCHES AS THE FUSE CONTINUES TO BURN. WHEN THE FUSE BURNS TO THE BOTTOM THE MAN EXPLODES.

CROWD
Ooooooooooooooh

Whats the defination of Light Entertainment?

A singing anorexic.

THE MAGICIAN

FADE IN:

SCENE 1 INT. – NIGHT (DRESSING ROOM)
(MARVIN, BRENDA, COMPARE)
THE MARVELLOUS MARVIN AND HIS ONCE GLAMOROUS ASSISTANT BRENDA ARE BACKSTAGE IN A SMALL, BRIGHT AND MESSY DRESSING ROOM. CLOTHES AND COSTUMES CAN BE SEEN ON RAILS, A CALANDER IS ON THE BACK OF THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AND BELOW THE DESK-SIDE MIRROR IS A MAKE-UP BOX OF MANY COLOURS AND MAGICAL ACCESSORIES.

MARVIN, LATE 40'S, IS SLIM, CLEAN SHAVEN AND SPORTS A RECEEDING DARK/GREY HAIRLINE. HE IS WEARING A DARK PAIR OF TROUSERS AND A WHITE SHIRT WITH A RED PAIR OF BRACES. HE IS FOCUSED.

BRENDA, LATE 40'S, IS SLIM, LONG PEROXIDE BLONDE HAIR. SHE IS WEARING A RATHER CONSERVATIVE, LONG, BLACK DRESS WITH A FEATHER IN HER HAIR.

MARVIN IS PRACTISING HIS BREATHING TECHNIQUES WHILE BRENDA FILES HER NAILS, CHEWS GUM AND TRIES HER HAND AT THE CROSSWORD.

BRENDA
READING SLOWLY FROM HER CROSSWORD.
Robbie Williams' 2002 album sets him free. 10 letters.

MARVIN
HIS BREATHING RHYTHYM BROKEN AND INWARDLY ANNOYED.
Pardon?

BRENDA
6 down, Robbie Williams 2002 album. Any idea?

MARVIN
Not now, Brenda. Can't you see I'm breathing!
A KNOCK IS HEARD FROM THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR, WHICH THEN OPENS.
ENTER THE COMPARE.

THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR WE CAN HEAR SLIGHT BOOING COMING FROM THE MAIN STAGE.

COMPARE
Five minute call, Marvin. Good luck.

MARVIN
MARVIN TURNS TO THE COMPARE AND REGISTERS THE NOISE.
My God! Who are they booing now?

COMPARE
Les.

MARVIN
The comedian?

COMPARE
So he led us to believe. I've heard funnier lines off the back of a fag packet.

BRENDA
I quite like Les's jokes. Must be a tough crowd in tonight.

COMAPRE
Tough! Have you ever made a 19 stone bouncer cry?

BRENDA
No.

COMPARE
Well, they have.
BEAT
Anyway, good luck, ‘cause you're both going to need it.
COMPARE CLOSES THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR.

SILENCE RETURNS. MARVIN AND BREANDA LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY.

MARVIN
Look's like we're going to have to resort to our special magical act, Brenda! The one we've been rehearsing all these years.

BRENDA
Not the one where you get me to wear a bunny costume, eat cheese and sing ‘Land of my fathers' under a heat lamp?

MARVIN
No, we shall save the Welsh rarebit act for Cardiff.
BEAT
I was actually thinking of a much simpler act.

BRENDA
Which is?

MARVIN
Disappearing through that door and not coming back.
MARVIN POINTS TO THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR.

BRENDA
It will never work.

MARVIN
Why not?

BRENDA
I heard the compare lock it just after he left.

MARVIN
The fiend! OK Brenda. Let's think about this logically for a while.
BOTH SIT DOWN, SEEMINGLY IN DEEP THOUGHT. AFTER A GOOD LONG PAUSE MARVIN JUMPS UP VERY EXCITED AND CLICKS HIS FINGERS!
I've got it! Escapology!

BRENDA
SLIGHTLY STARTLED AND CONFUSED.
Escapology?

MARVIN
Yes, 6 down, Robbie Williams 2002 album!

BRENDA
Oh, right. Thanks.

MARVIN
Not a problem.
THEN
No, wait. Perhaps that's it.

BRENDA
What is?

MARVIN
Escapology!
WE SEE MARVIN WINK AT A ROBBIE WILLIAMS CALENDER ON THE BACK OF THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR.
Thank you Robbie.

BRENDA
What are you on about?

MARVIN
Just think about it. We have a hostile audience waiting for us.

BRENDA
Yeah?

MARVIN
Well, why not make them work for us?

BRENDA
With the wages you give out, you can expect monkeys!

MARVIN
No, engage them in the act like we did in Blackpool at Willy Russo's!

BRENDA
No way! I'm not doing that again. We've only just been allowed back in the Magic Circle.

MARVIN
She was heckling!

BRENDA
She was 97!

MARVIN
Old people have no respect anymore.

BRENDA
They have more than you.
BEAT
Besides, she wasn't heckling you. She was trying to grab your attention.

MARVIN
Is that what she called it!
A KNOCK IS ONCE MORE HEARD FROM THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR, WHICH THEN OPENS.
THE COMPARE RETURNS AND LOOKS MORE ANXIOUS. LOUDER BOOING IS HEARD.

COMPARE
Right, come on. You two are up next.

MARVIN
Well, let's get this over with. The quicker we're on, the quicker we're off.

COMPARE
Hopefully not too quickly.

BRENDA
Why?

COMPARE
Mrs Pilkington isn't back yet and she's got the results of the jam contest.
MARVIN
Jam contest? This is last time I ever do a show for the WI!

MARVIN AND BRENDA WALK SLOWLY TO THE STAGE TO THE SOUND OF SLOW HAND CLAPPING.
THE COMPARE CLOSES THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AND THE ROBBIE WILLIAMS CALENDER SWINGS IN THE SILENCE.

INT. THE SET OF SOME BRUCE FORSYTH GAME SHOW VEHICLE.

Bruce Forsyth talks to the contestants Generation Game stylee.

BRUCE:
Ok my dear, what's you name?

CONTESTANT:
Osama.

BRUCE:
Bin Laden?

CONTESTANT:
No, it's just the way I walk.

BRUCE:
You should try dancing.

CONTESTANT:
Is this the part where you dance?

BRUCE:
Yeahsss.

CONTESTANT:
Ah bugger.

BRUCE DOES A LITTLE TAP DANCE AND THE CROWD APPLAUD.

CONTESTANT:
Forsyth?

BRUCE:
No, it's just the way I dance.

CROWD LAUGHS.

CONTESTANT:
Why didn't I get a laugh?

BRUCE:
Sorry?

CONTESTANT:
I did the exact same joke first and nothing.

BRUCE:
Well maybe you haven't got the X-Factor my dear?

CONTESTANT:
I'll tell you what it is. It's the colour of my skin.

BRUCE:
Now, I don't think that's the issue. For one thing you're white.

CONTESTANT:
How dare you!

BRUCE:
You mean you're not white?

CONTESTANT:
No.

BRUCE:
Then what colour are you?

CONTESTANT:
I will not be defined by the colour of my skin.

CONTESTANT No.2:
Oh I will.

BRUCE:
Oh hello, my dear. What's your name?

CONTESTANT No.2:
Adolf.

BRUCE:
Hilter?

CONTESTANT No.2:
No, it's just the way I walk.

Crowd laughs.

CONTESTANT:
F**k me.

BRUCE:
Now, I won't have that kind of language...

CROWD:
Not in this game!

END.

'THE' BOOK REVIEW.

STUDIO WITH PRESENTER & GUEST.

PRESENTER:
Hello, good afternoon and evening and welcome to tonights show. I'm joined by Sir Nigel Twang and he's here to talk about his latest book: 'The', a history of the wordthat's famous for preceeding consonents and vowels.
Butthat's not all from this versatile little ditty, it is also known to be followed by a defining adjective and also, get this, followed by an adjective used as a noun.

Now this semi-autobiographical book traces the origins of the word, its current status and what the future holds for this 3 lettered dote.

Now Nigel we have a couple of reviews. Henry Nil has saidthat's its a page turner and he:"Especially enjoyed turning from page 57 to 58".

Thomas McKay has said that he read it mostly at night & Sandra Lewis has called it: "Alright."

Quite favourable views there Sir Nigel considering the boring subject matter.

SIR NIGEL:
(shocked) Boring?! It could'nt be more fascinating!

'The' is the bridge of the sentence, it connects the sentence together.

PRESENTER:
But surely a word like 'and' would be a better representation of a bridge. Its a connecting word much like a bridge and it implies progression, much like a bridge.

SIR:
(Defensively) No, no its 'the, its all 'the'. Without 'the' we could'nt cross the impass that is the sentence.

With no 'the' we have no bridge, you fall into the water 50feet below and you'd drown in the sentence (gets animated and feigns drowning sounds)...

You'd be kicking & writhing with no fullstop in sight and you would be searching for the end but all you can see are comma's...

PRESENTER:
Sir Nigel could you please sit down! (Sir Nigel continues his rant. Presenter tries to speak over him)

Our next guest Alan Gnarl has written a very nice book about getting your timing right on television.

ALAN:
....................Thats correct Jim but its actually not quite finished yet.

PRESENTER:
(Air of dismay) And when do you thi-...

CUTS ACROSS HIM.

ALAN:
About another month should do the trick.

PRESENTER:
(Sarcastically) Excellent,that's just excellent! (to himself) Not much chance of reviewing it then I suppose.

ALAN:
.........................No.

SIR NIGEL IS STILL RANTING ABOUT DROWNING IN THE SENTENCE AND GETS MORE ANIMATED.

SIR NIGEL:
...And then you're in a TV studio and you can't get out, and you're looking for a fullstop and you can't find a 'the', where are all the 'the's', and you climb over the presenter and look under the desk and tear up the carpet and turn off the camer-.

BLACK.

END.

MIXED MESSAGE

INT. HOUSE. DAY.

A YOUNG BOY AGED 9 IN PYJAMAS IS STANDING AT THE TOP OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS IN A SMALL HOUSE.

ANDREW: (Calling down the stairs) Mum. (beat) Mum.

MUM: (From kitchen) Get back to bed, Andrew.

ANDREW: But Mum…

MUM: Stop your shouting. You and Graham are not well and need your rest. Now get back to bed and go to sleep.

ANDREW: But it's Graham, Mum.

MUM: Oh Andrew! What about Graham?

ANDREW: He's gone all hilarious.

MUM LEAVES THE KITCHEN AND MAKES HER WAY UP THE STAIRS, SMILING.

MUM: (Whilst ascending stairs) You silly-billy.

MUM REACHES TOP OF STAIRS STILL SMILING AND USHERS ANDREW TO THE BOYS BEDROOM DOOR.

MUM: You mean delirious.

MUM GUIDES ANDREW IN TO THE ROOM AND FINDS GRAHAM AGED 11 STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM DRESSED IN A SUIT WITH ONE HAND HOLDING A MICROPHONE AND THE OTHER HAND RESTING ON A MICROPHONE STAND.

GRAHAM: There's this Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…

(END)

INT. TV STUDIO.

A GROUP OF PEOPLE SIT IN ARMCHAIRS.

HOST:
Good evening and welcome. Tonight on After Dark we discuss light entertainment. I am joined by Professor William Smelly of London School of Economics and Barbara Parcel, a wealthy businesswoman. Good evening to you both.

WILLIAM:
Hello.

BARBARA:
Good evening.

HOST:
Mr Smelly, you have recently written a book entitled 'Car Crash TV – A Health And Safety Approach'.

WILLIAM:
Yes I have.

HOST:
Thank you Mr Smelly.(PAUSE) Mrs Parcel, you have money coming out of your ears have you not?

BARBARA:
Rolled up notes yes, due to my fondness for plastic surgery and cocaine. Its calmed down a bit though, at its peak I was hearing 3 grams of coke a day.

WILLIAM:
Preposterous!

BARBARA:
What is?

WILLIAM:
Whatever went on before posterous.

HOST:
Ok, panel, lets look at something like a reality talent show and tell me what you think?

WILLIAM:
How to get them off stage. Advances in technology have left stage eviction in the hands of computer-generated noises, buzzers for a buzzword generation.

BARBARA:
I couldn't agree more.

HOST:
So, you don't agree then, to the max?

BARBARA:
No, I agree utmostly. There needs to be root and branch reform of stage eviction. Bring back the gong, or that long stick that looks like something a giant pensioner would use.

WILLIAM:
What do giants use for internet security?

HOST:
I don't know.

WILLIAM:
McAfee-fi-fo-fum.

BARBARA:
What do midgets use?

HOST:
Again, I don't know.

BARBARA:
Neither do I, that's why I asked.

WILLIAM:
I got used by a midget, broke my heart she did.

BARBARA:
That's terribly sad.

HOST:
Eureka! New reality talent show that uses midget tossing to get the crap acts off stage, it's a potential goldmine.

WILLIAM:
I have reservations from a health and safety perpective but I'd watch it.

BARBARA:
You're an economist, what do you know about health and safety?

WILLIAM:
If ten tonnes of money fell on you, you'd know about it.

HOST:
Only very briefly though as it would result in almost instant death, but with rapid decompostion and putridification you would be stinking rich. (PAUSE) And on that note, boom, boom, its goodnight.

ENDS.

VO:

It's that time of year again. It's Comic Relief. And here is your host, Dennis Peacock.

DENNIS:

Thank you. Hey. Last year was big but 2009's going to be the Big One. We're going to make millions (SUDDENLY SOLEMN) for children in Africa. (UPBEAT AGAIN) But it's not just children in Africa or Asia or (BEAT) any other exotic holiday destination. (SOLEMN AGAIN) No. Right here in Britain children are suffering. And we at Comic Relief want you to help. I'd like you to meet Dean.

ENTER DEAN, WEARING A CAP AND BLAZER BUT VERY SLOBBY AND GROSSLY FAT, CARRYING A BOTTLE OF COKE AND A BAG OF CRISPS WHICH HE CONSTANTLY EATS. HE SHUFFLES UP TO DENNIS AND OFFERS HIM A CRISP.

DENNIS:

Er, no thanks, son.

DEAN MAKES A "SUIT YOURSELF" GESTURE.

DENNIS:

Now, Dean, you're sixteen ...

DEAN:

Ten!

DENNIS:

Stone.

DEAN:

Oh yeah.

DENNIS:

And your life's hell.

DEAN:

(HEARTFELT) Yeah.

DENNIS:

Dean can go months without water. His diet lacks (BEAT) well everything really. Dean, you can't go on like this, mate. What you need is help.

DEAN:

(UNCERTAINLY) Spose.

DENNIS:

And you're gonna get it. Dean?

DEAN HAS REVERTED TO EATING COMPULSIVELY.

DENNIS:

Can I just take the crisps, mate?

DEAN HANDS OVER PACKET RELUCTANTLY.

DENNIS:

And the coke.

HAS TO SLIGHTLY WRENCH CAN FROM DEAN'S HAND. PUTS BOTH ON TABLE. DEAN'S GAZE FOLLOWS THEM LONGINGLY.

DENNIS:

Now, Dean, could you lie face down on the studio floor and look towards that camera for me. Can you do that? Yes … yes...

DEAN WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY MANAGES TO GET DOWN AND LIE UNEASILY ON HIS FRONT. SUDDENLY HE HOLDS ARMS OUT FOR APPLAUSE AS IF HE'S ACHIEVED SOMETHING FANTASTIC. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DEAN THEN STARTS TO TRY TO GET UP BUT DENNIS PUSHES HIM BACK DOWN.

DENNIS:

No, that's not quite all, Dean. Dean, you've heard of press-ups?

DEAN NODS, BUT THEN SHAKES HIS HEAD VIOLENTLY.

DENNIS:

0800-830666 – that's the number you need to call. If you want to make Dean (BEAT) lean.

DEAN IS STRUGGLING TO GET UP WHILST DENNIS SURREPTITIOUSLY HOLDS HIM DOWN.

DENNIS:

A hundred pounds and Dean does his first ever press-up. A thousand and watch him try ten. Ten thousand. Well. You could make a real difference.

BY NOW DENNIS'S OBVIOUSLY AND FORCIBLY HOLDING DOWN A WILDLY STRUGGLING DEAN.

DENNIS:

Please. Call now.

DEAN HAS STOPPED STRUGGLING AS DENNIS HAS FINALLY MANAGED TO PIN HIM TO THE FLOOR WITH HIS FOOT ON HIS BACK.

DENNIS:

For Dean.

The Jester.

(John and Steve sit next to each other drinking cans of beer on a sofa in a flat.)

Steve: so as far as I can see its either pub……………or pub…………..lets go to the pub.

John: we always go to the pub, but I've arranged something a bit different for tonight.

Steve: different? I don't like different, lets go to the pub.

John: don't be so boring. Anyway we can't go to the pub, he'll be here in a minute (looks at watch)

Steve: who's going to be here? What are you on about?

(doorbell rings, John gets up to answer it)

John: that'll be him now.

(John goes to the door and opens it to reveal a man dressed as a medieval jester. The jester skips into the room singing an improvised song made up of la's, di's and da's. Steve stares as the jester takes up position in front of the sofa and begins to dance about enthusiastically, still singing his song. John returns to the sofa and sits down, smiling broadly.)

John: this is going to be brilliant.

(The two men sit watching the jester. John is smiling whilst Steve looks confused and a bit scared.)

(Shot fades out and then in again as time lapses.)

(John is no longer smiling, just staring blankly whilst Steve still looks confused and a bit scared. The jester is still singing and dancing about, now with a remote control in his hand, looking at it quizzically. John and Steve speak quietly so the jester can't hear)

Steve: what's he doing?

John: he's just…….you know……fooling.

Steve: fooling?

John: yeah, fooling. Its what jesters do, they fool about.

Steve: he's behaving like an utter twat.

John: no, he's fooling. This was all the rage back in the 17th century.

Steve: well they didn't have telly back then.

John: give him a chance.

Steve: seriously, can we just put the telly on? he's freaking me out a bit.

John: no way. We've got him for three hours.

Steve: three hours!?

John: yeah, its Jester January, three hours for the price of two.

Steve: f**king hell. Well its also happy hour so I'm going to the pub.

John: no! You can't leave me alone with him.

Steve: I thought you liked him.

John: I did for the first five minutes or so, but this is actually pretty weird. I'm really not keen on a private show.

Steve: can't we just tell him to leave?

John: no way. I don't want to offend him.

Steve: can't we just leave?

John: no. I'm not leaving him on his own in the flat, jestering all about the place.

Steve: well what then?

John: (sighs) we'll just have to watch.

(The men continue to stare. John has a blank expression, and Steve still looks confused and a bit scared.)

(Shot again fades out and then in again to show a time lapse.)

(When the shot fades back in, both men are looking tired, confused and very scared. The jester is still singing and dancing, before flinging his arms in the air.)

Jester: Dah-Dah!

(The men continue to stare, motionless)

Jester: (in a deep, Russian accent) It is finished.

(The men continue to stare. John slowly raises his hands and claps. Steve remains still.)

Jester: I can offer you happy ending?

Steve: a happy ending?

(the jester makes a handjob motion and a squelchy sound, then lets out a sigh. Steve looks horrified. John looks as though he's thinking about it.)

fin.

INT. BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT STAGE - DAY

A man is juggling on the stage for a moment then finishes. There is applause as he leaves the stage. Ant and Dec go onto the stage.

ANT
Up next is a family who think that they can win the judges over and prove that Britain really does have talent with their act, "The Aristocrats"

Des O'Connor never turns left, just honours right.

"Like... Shadow puppets and that?"

INT. A GROUP OF TV EXECS ARE SAT ROUND A TABLE WITH DALE WINTON

TEXT ON SCREEN READS "HOLE IN THE WALL MEETING"

TV MAN
I'm afraid I have bad news

DALE
What is it?

TV MAN
Our celebrity guest has pulled out this week

DALE
But why, he seemed so up for it the other day?

TV MAN
The other day?

DALE
I saw him in the BBC toilets he said he'd love to play hole in the wall with me!

TV MAN
I see

DALE
So what is the problem

TV MAN
Michael Barrymore's agent says he will not be involved with a project hosted by a gay man, where everyone is in lycra trying not to be the one that ends up in the swimming pool

DALE
Why not?

TV MAN
He doesn't want to be typecast

INT: Dressing room

BRUCE FORSYTH is sprawled on a sofa, his eyes are bloodshot and his jaw is hanging. A beautiful FEMALE ASSISTANT brings over a large bong over and BRUCE takes a huge hit off it before collapsing out of shot.

FEMALE ASSISTANT
Will that be all, Mr. Forsyth?

BRUCE
HIGHER!? HIGHER!!