My sitcom

Hi guys, heres the very beginning of my first ever sitcom! Lots of the dialogue is setting up the storylines later to come, hopefully in a comic fashion. It's not much but it gives an idea, if anyone is interested in reading the whole thing then i would love to put it up

Adam: (walking into the kitchen, on the phone) Oh yea babe, oh yea, oh wow! Well it was a really nice night last night we should do it again some time. Yea, oh yea! Ok see you later babe

Leo: (doodling cartoons of cigarettes) Since when are you the ladies man?

Adam: Its called playing the field, you should try it some time

Leo: Whats her name?

Adam: Cindy

Leo: She nice?

Adam: Oooh yea

Leo: Pretty?

Adam: Oooh yea

Leo: You made her up?

Adam: Oooh yea

Leo: Here's your phone battery back

Adam: (embarrassed) damn it man, I was looking for that

Pause

Leo: Hmm, musili that will make me feel good about myself, or Frosties, that are actually nice?

Adam: (scowls) there's some of your disgusting American Cereal in the top cupboard

Leo: Ah lucky charms, perfect! More sugar than possibly reasonable for cereal

Adam: Might as well eat Mc Donald's in the morning

Leo: Mc Donald's in the morning, that sounds good

Adam: Well if you ask me

Leo: Which I didn't

Adam: Then I think you'll find that musili is the most nutritious cereal, and a nutritious cereal is extremely important as it helps you focus during the day and provides...

Leo: Are you reading that off the back of the box

Adam: No

Leo: Yes you are

Adam looks angry and throws the box in the bin, but misses

Adam: (leans over and looks at Leo's doodle or cigarettes) Given up giving up yet?

Leo: I don't want to talk about it

Adam: I don't get whats so hard, a friend of mine said he's given up 18 times this year

Might help if you make it plain Adam is on the phone at the start.

This is horrible cliched banter:

Adam: Well if you ask me

Leo: Which I didn't

Otherwise nothing wrong with the dialogue as such, some work has gone into establishing character, though the though does occur that when you are establishing one character whether the other is just not acting as a feed - for instance does Adam really have strong views on healthy eating? An exchange should tell you something about both parties.

Does the cereal stuff actually go anywhere?

Anyway, I think you need to post a bit more to give an idea as to plot and character.

Yea there are lots of continuations on Adams more stuck up view on healthy eating against Leo's more laid back attitude. The smoking, food, attitude to girls and Mc Donald's all come in later.

As a very new writer I'm sure i will stumble around a few cliches but i will cut them out in editing (i plan to film it) if they look bad

I could PM the whole script to you? i feel weird about putting up small parts becuase it works better as a whole.

much appreciated

I'll build some dialogue around the main storyline straight after Leo gives Adam the phone battery back. Thanks

Quote: Griff @ December 4 2008, 2:09 PM GMT

Even "talky" sitcoms like Seinfeld get into the plot in about half the amount you have written.

View original

Ah, Seinfeld! Just started re-watching this from episode 3 of season 4, from the start of the story arc about the sitcom pilot. Superb!

i made quite alot of changes based on that suggestion to bring in the storyline earlier, thanks

would no one like to read the whole thing? please?????????

Just put more bits up, mark it 'My Sitcom-part2' or something; people will read it.

Alternatively, you could email it to Matt Stott for a critique so damning, you'll think you're in Holland.

Not sure what it's about? Bloke on the phone to a pretend woman, blokes argue about cereal, bloke is quitting smoking....are these plots or is the plot yet to come? There's not much that makes me thinks "oh, wonder what happens next"

As for the writing....try reading aloud, some of it doesn't flow (not of my tongue anyway...maybe you have a better tongue!)

"Oh yea babe, oh yea, oh wow!" is he having phone sex at this point??? " Well it was a really nice night last night we should do it again some time." This should be "should do it again" Read it out and imagine the other side of the conversation on the phone ( i know there isnt one) and see how you think that dialogue fits with reality.

Adam: Oooh yea

Leo: Here's your phone battery back

Adam: (embarrassed) damn it man, I was looking for that

Who takes the battery off a phone in 2008? Who does so then doesn't realise they are using it without a battery (even if they're pretending) Why is he embarrassed...he readily admitted it was a joke with little instigation.....and if he knew the battery was lost why was he using the phone to pretend to make a call with????

Just feels to me like it needs a bit of work in the "is that likely" field.....it doesn't have to be a documentary, but it needs to be logical.

Fair enough, I actually always end up taking out my battery and swapping it - lots of my friends have a phone similar to mine. But yea maybe I should change that bit, that had crossed my mind!

Most of it is setting up for story to come, as for the way i have written it: Well i didn't write it with the intention of sending it off to any companies becuase i wan't to make it myself, so whilst it makes sense in my head maybe i didn't express it well enough in paper.

Maybe i should buy some script books and have a read.

as above, read read read.

and do so with a pen so you can make notes...for example, on a throw away gag that isn't plot (such as your phone gag) how many lines does that get in a "proper" script, cause you have 13 which feels a lot unless it's bloody funny.