Jack Brannigan, Chocolatier

INT. THE CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

IN HIS OFFICE THE CHIEF SITS BEHIND HIS DESK.
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND IN STRIDES JACK BRANNIGAN.

BRANNIGAN
You wanted to see me, Chief?

CHIEF
Yeah Jack... sit down, I wanted to tell you in person... I'm transferring you to another department.

BRANNIGAN
What?! You can't do this! I am this close to cracking this thing wide open

CHIEF
Jack, I'm doing this for your own good. You've been working your ass off on this for months and you're still no closer to getting a result.

BRANNIGAN
I swear to God, boss. One more day... just give me twenty-four more hours and I will find a fourth way to add chocolate to a triple chocolate muffin.

CHIEF
Jesus, Jack... Chocolate muffin, chocolate chips, chocolate glaze - face it, there's just no place else to put any more chocolate in that damn thing! It's a dead end.

BRANNIGAN
No. It's the gooey chocolate centre... that's the fourth way, I know it is. And if you just give me a chance...

CHIEF
Come on, Jack, The last time you went after that gooey chocolate centre you wrote off a brand new saucepan and three sets of whites. The department can't keep paying out for those kind of screw ups

BRANNIGAN
The tempering was all wrong, there were crystals all over the place and there was too much damn moisture in that room - any chocolatier can make that mistake! You know that, Chief.

CHIEF
Sure I do Jack. But this quadruple chocolate muffin obsession is turning you into a liability... a loose cannon... and that's why I think a spell in soups and snacks will do you good.

BRANNIGAN
Soups and snacks! But I'm chocolatier, dammit!

CHIEF
Sure you are - you're the best damn chocolatier in this operation... hell you'd even give some of those Belgian fellas a run for their money but right now you're tired… and when you're tired that's when the chocolate chews you up and spits you out.

BRANNIGAN
So, what? We just let it go? We just accept the triple chocolate muffin as it stands and let the fourth way go free.

CHIEF
I'm sorry Jack. But sometimes that's the life of a chocolatier.

CUT TO -

INT. KITCHENS - DAY

JACK IS IN FULL WHITES AND STIRRING A LARGE COPPER POT.

V.O.
Next week on Jack Brannigan, Chocolatier...

THE CHIEF APPROACHES JACK. HE HOLDS A DOSSIER.

CHIEF
Jack, we got the tests back from the lab - there were traces of water in that chocolate.

BRANNIGAN
Godammit! No wonder it seized up! Well this time those bastards have gone too far... pass me my spatula.

END

It's a really good idea and I like the strong characters.

But it feels quite long and it doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Why is it so important to get the quadruple chocolate right?

I like the intensity of the characters, about something as trivial as chocolate

I liked this a lot.

I imagine it acted hysterically just as Fry and Laurie played their "Damn it to hell and back, John!" characters.

One minor quibble, is Jack Brannigan not a touch too close to Zap Brannigan from Futurama?

I quite liked this and it's perfect for a double act. I think you need to get more laughs in though. It's not hilarious at the minute, but it could be. Some stronger 'setup/laugh' lines would help. The ending is funny too.

I loved that, brilliant!

Quote: sootyj @ December 4 2008, 12:34 AM GMT

It's a really good idea and I like the strong characters.

But it feels quite long and it doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Why is it so important to get the quadruple chocolate right?

View original

That's the joke, surely - that it's impossible to squeeze more chocolate into a triple choc muffin.

I really like this sketch. For what it's worth the only thing I'd do is make the Chief even more of a stereotypical hard-nosed shouty police chief, a la Lethal Weapon, you know, really ramp up the stereotyped dialogue, eg: "Goddamit Brannigan I got the Commissioner all over my ass on this one and I ain't about to lose my pension before I retire because of one goddam loose cannon chocolatier!"

That sort of thing.

Oh and the ending needs attention I think. But a great sketch, really.

Oh and I'd put more description in about the office. You need the audience to know this is a typical police commissioner's office from the movies, so that the chocolatier gag has more punch when it comes.

Quote: Lee Henman @ December 4 2008, 11:03 AM GMT

Oh and I'd put more description in about the office. You need the audience to know this is a typical police commissioner's office from the movies, so that the chocolatier gag has more punch when it comes.

View original

Might also be an idea to lose the word 'Chocolatier' from the title.

Loved the quadruple chocolate muffin.

I just thought - how about calling him "Kowalski" instead of "Brannigan"? THere's always a Kowalski in American cop shows.

Cheers for the feedback guys.

I think for it to work it would have to be played with overblown intensity as you say, David Bussell - very much like those Fry and Laurie sketches.

Yeah, Jack Brannigan is a bit close to Zap Brannigan now you mention it. I shall rename him Jack Kowalski!

Thanks chaps,

Bo.

I liked the last bit about the water in the chocolate - very clever.