EXT. TONY & JILL'S SUBURBAN HOUSE. NIGHT.
A SIMPLE ESTABLISHING SHOT SHOWING THE HOUSE. NO LIGHTS ARE ON AND THERE'S NO SIGN OF LIFE.
FADE TO:
INT. JILL AND TONY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
IT'S PITCH BLACK AND WE CAN SEE NOTHING. HOWEVER, WE CAN HEAR THE MOANS AND SQUEAKS OF THE BED AS THE PAIR MAKE LOVE. WHEN THEY SPEAK THEY ARE URGENT, SHORT OF BREATH AND SEXY.
JILL:
Mmmmm, yeah.
TONY:
Is that good?
JILL:
Yeah, really good. OH, but not as good as that!You're so good Tony! (PAUSE) I wish you could do this...
TONY:
Ooooh.
JILL:
... and this ...
TONY:
Mmmmmm.
JILL:
... at the same time.
TONY:
I know darling, but I can't reach that far.
JILL:
I wish there were two Tonies. Or three or four.
TONY:
Dirty, greedy girl (PAUSE) Would they all be called Tony?
JILL:
Mmmm, yeah.
TONY:
But how would I - we - know which one you were talking to?
JILL:
I'd call them Tony1, Tony2 and so on and so forth. You'd be called the Original Tony.
TONY:
Can I be called the Ultimate Tony instead?
JILL:
Mmmm, I don't know. They don't really mean the same things.
TONY:
I wouldn't do things with the others, though.
JILL:
Why not?
TONY:
Well, I'm not gay.
JILL:
It's not gay to play with yourself.
TONY:
I think it is if yourself is personified in another entity (PAUSE) What would the others do while I was at work?
JILL:
Mmmm. Maybe they could stay at home with me.
TONY:
No, that's not fair. They should only be here when I'm here. I'd be like their leader. I think it'd be fair if they got part-time jobs. They've got to earn their keep.
JILL:
I dunno. We'd have to sort-out tax and National Insurance for them all.
TONY:
Oh god.
JILL:
You like that?
TONY:
No, I was just thinking about filling-out all those forms.
JILL:
Well they can't go out during the day, people would see them.
TONY:
So what? It's not illegal.
JILL:
Maybe we could all just go on holiday. All together. Screwing all day long.
TONY:
It would be expensive, we'd need separate flights. We couldn't travel together. It'd look weird.
JILL:
They could fly-in in pairs, saying they were twins. I'd go and meet them at the airport.
TONY:
They'd all have to have separate passports too. It could get tricky.
JILL:
Maybe we could just fold them up and put them in big suitcases.
TONY:
No, Jill. I won't have my other selves treated like that. They're real people, just like you and me. Well, just like me at least.
JILL:
Your problem is, you're jealous. Always have been. Oh Christ, keep doing that!
TONY:
Call me the by my group title!
JILL:
Do me, Original Tony!
TONY:
No! Call me that Ultimate Tony!
JILL:
Oh yes! Give it to me, Ultimate Tony!
CUT TO:
EXT. TONY & JILL'S SUBURBAN HOUSE. NIGHT.
TONY:
(O/S) The Ultimate Tony is coming!
ENDS.
