Hi All
Here's the final week's submissions for this series. Let me know what you think.
Cheers
Dan
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PARSONS AND NAYLOR’S PULL-OUT SECTIONS
CANNABIS FARMS
The number of Cannabis Farms found in the UK over last two years has trebled. To me, once you've planted one, it seems inevitable you'll become far too laid back to stop the spread.
It follows news that profits at Shell are up once again. It seems that sales of Mars Bars and Haribo at their late-night service stations has inexplicably trebled over the same period.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Sylvester Stallone has been charged with imported a banned human growth drug into Australia. A customs official told Stallone: "We've got enough of them thanks. We don't need to grow our own."
Stallone claimed he 'just didn't understand some of the rules here', quoting every single one his films about mavericks 'Rocky' and 'Rambo'.
Stallone thought that everyone was overreacting and thought that the media were flogging the story well beyond its believable shelf-life. 'Rocky Balboa' anybody? Rambo 4?
BT DIRECT DEBITS
BT charge customers an extra £18 a year if they don't pay by direct debit. I don't know what the fuss is all about. To save yourself eighteen quid, all you have to do is ring them up for a form. Calls cost £1 a minute, average call length 18 minutes.
DONOR BODIES
A shortage of donor bodies is putting medical teaching at risk. Not enough people are leaving their bodies to medical science. Sylvester Stallone was first to offer the medical profession his human growth hormone, but was politely told "Sorry Mr Stallone, it doesn't actually work like that."
CRUFTS
Crufts 2007 came to an end. The overall Best in Show champion was Araki Fabulous Willy, a Tibetan Terrier from Gloucestershire. "What a ridiculous name." Said Willy about BBC Crufts presenter Ben Fogle.
Though proud to be named 'Best in Show', Willy himself looked most smug when awarded 1st in the "Looking Most Like 'Wordsworth' from 'Jamie and The Magic Torch'" category of the competition.
Willy just happens to be the grandfather of BBC Crufts presenter Clare Balding’s dog, Archie. "It's nice to see the old dog back on top." Said the winner about Clare's new presenting role.
CHELSEA CASH-CRISIS
England and Chelsea Captain John Terry is refusing to sign new deals with Chelsea. Terry claims it's because Chelsea no longer want to give him a 9-year deal, and only offered a 5-year deal. I see his point. If I was getting £150,000 a week for only five years instead of nine, how would I be able to afford to eat? He may have to cut back his spending and buy tinned Beluga Whale instead of having it caught fresh every week.
Roman Abramovich has tightened the purse strings at Chelsea recently. What's he tightened them with? A good 100 feet of industrial-strength shipping rope and a couple of tug-of-war teams?
NEW WEMBLEY OPEN
The keys to the new Wembley Stadium were finally handed over by the builders Multiplex last week. A spokesman for the firm said, "I don't know what all the fuss was about. We left the keys under the enormous mat by the front door."
The first game to be played there will be England Under-21s against Italy. Tickets for the game sold out in six hours and the FA website crashed as fans paid good money to get see England get screwed by opposition rife with corruption and immorality. It's like Faria Alam never left.
All being well, the FA Cup Final will be played at the new £757million stadium in May. It will be a great big event celebrating the home of football, the likes of which we've never seen before. As Manchester United play Chelsea again.
George Michael is scheduled to give the first live concert there in June. When asked if he could fill a bowl, he replied: "I've done it before and I'm sure I can do it again."
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