SKETCH COMP 19-26.11.8

Congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... KEVIN MURPHY for winnin' AGAIN! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Kevin Murphy
1 - 5 - Tom G
1 - 5 - Timbo
1 - 5 - Mikey J
1 - 5 - Badge
1 - 5 - Summmer G
1 - 5 - Eggie
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your new subject: THE HOUSEHOLD.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26 Nov.

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
70 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
61 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
50 - Timbo
47 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Mikey J
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - Afinkawan
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Blobster
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Badge
06 - Tom G
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Summer G
05 - Cool Mikado
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. DAY. HOME.

A NEWLYWED COUPLE ARE OPENING THEIR WEDDING PRESENTS.

HUSBAND:
Here's an iron, Morphy Richards, ever heard of them?

WIFE:
Morphy Richards? Of course I have, they're a household name.

MINISTER:
As you are aware, the Home Office has been declared no longer fit for purpose. Our consultants tell us that a structure which the general public both understand and feel comfortable with is more important than secondary considerations such as being effective. That is why, after public consultation and a Blue Peter competition, we have decided to base ourselves on the model of the standard household. This new structure will be known as the Homely Office.

Responsibilities within the Homely Office will be split in a user-friendly way which people are used to at home. The Minister for the Interior will choose the wallpaper, the Minister for Security will be in charge of the bowl where we keep all the keys for the prisons and the Minister for Phone Table will be in charge of communications and making sure that all the pens in the little pot are working properly. Any questions?

ALL:
Minister! Minister!

MINISTER:
Yes, you. What's your question?

REPORTER #1:
There's been controversy around prison overcrowding and prisoner release. How will the new Homely Office deal with this?

MINISTER:
To ease the prison overcrowding, minor offenders will instead be naughty-stepped although more serious offenders will still be incarcerated. Sentencing will fall within the remit of the new Minister for Being Sent To Bed Without Any Dinner.

REPORTER #2:
Can you tell us who will be in charge of the Homely Office?

MINISTER:
It was felt that we needed someone more comforting, so we have appointed a woman. For security reasons, her identity will be kept secret and she will be known only by her codename of "Mum."

REPORTER #3:
Minister, what about the controversial ID card scheme?

MINISTER:
Due to our obvious inability to run any sort of computer system we have decided that instead of a database we will write everyone's birthday on the calendar in the study and pin photos of everyone in the country to the notice board in the hall. We will still be collecting DNA samples but they will be stored in that draw in the kitchen where you put all the things you don't know what else to do with.

ALL:
Minister! Minister!

MINISTER:
I'm sorry but that's all the questions we have time for now - the Minister for the Dining Room is signalling that our tea is ready. Any other questions you have will be answered on the new Homely Office website which will be maintained by my 8 year old son. Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you.

INT. FRONT ROOM. DAY

A MAN IS SITTING READING HIS PAPER. THERE IS A SCREAM FROM ANOTHER ROOM AND THE MAN'S WIFE COMES RUSHING IN

HUSBAND (looking up from his paper)
Are you alright darling?

WIFE
There's a postman in the bath. I can't go in there

HUSBAND
Don't be silly he won't hurt you, they're harmless

WIFE
You haven't seen the size of him. Just come and deal with it will you

HUSBAND (sighing)
Alright, alright

THE HUSBAND FOLDS HIS PAPER, GETS UP AND THEY BOTH GO OUT THE ROOM.

INT.BATHROOM

THE HUSBAND ENTERS FIRST FOLLOWED BY HIS WIFE WHO KEEPS WELL BACK. IN THE FAR CORNER THERE IS A POSTMAN STANDING THERE.

WIFE (searching the bath first then spotting the postman)
Oh God he's moved

HUSBAND
Alright, alright calm down. Just keep well back and get ready to open the front door

WIFE (leaving the bathroom)
My pleasure

THE HUSBAND CAREFULLY APPROACHES THE POSTMAN AND PUTS THE NEWSPAPER HE WAS READING ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM

HUSBAND (quietly coaxing him)
Come on, come on, that's it

THE POSTMAN SLOWLY MOVES ONTO THE PAPER. IT THEN CUTS TO THE WIFE AT THE FRONT DOOR, MAKING A FACE, OPENING IT AND STANDING WELL BACK. HER HUSBAND WALKS PAST HER, THE CAMERA AND OUT THE DOOR.

HUSBANDS VOICE OUT OF SHOT
There you are, go on, go on, that's it. OWWWW!

WIFE
Are you alright?

HUSBAND (coming in sucking the side of his hand)
The bugger bit me

WIFE (Shaking her head and closing the door)
I warned you didn't I

LIST OF THINGS TO DO

1. Write list of things to do.

INT. A COUPLE IS SAT ON A SOFA AND A NEWS BULLETIN CAN BE HEARD

V.O.
And now we have an update with the latest on the baby P case

THE WOMAN TURNS OFF THE TV

WOMAN
Well we've still got baby a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n and o

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, A MAN OPENS IT.

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Hello I'm Gerald and I am a Jehovah Witness

MALCOLM
Hello I'm Malcolm, it's great to see you

JEHOVAH WITNESS
It is?

MALCOLM
Yes come on in

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Right OK this is fantastic, I mean I've never actually been invited in before

THE PAIR WALK INTO THE LOUNGE WHERE THE REST OF THE FAMILY ARE SITTING WITH A LOOK OF DISBELEIF ON THEIR FACES

MALCOLM
Hi everyone this is Gerald and he's a Jehovah witness

MALCOLM
And this is Lucy my wife

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Pleased to meet you

MALCOLM
My Son Matthew

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Hello

MALCOLM
And my Daughters Ellie & Sage

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Well this really is nice of you

MALCOLM
Yes yes of course, any way lets get down to it, the way I understand it is that Jehovah is the old testament word for Lord

JEHOVAH WITNESS
Yes that's correct

MALCOLM
But who in the Old Testament first speaks his name

JEHOVAH WITNESS
I think it was Paul in the 2nd Psalm

You think! it was Paul? This is for a bloody cheese

CAMERA PANS ROUND TO SHOW A TRIVIAL PERSUIT GAME GOING ON

Being the head of the household is tough. At the minute I'm reading a self-help manual about being a dad. It's called ‘Raising Children for dummies.' Which my wife thinks is a bit mean.

MOTHER is sat in the living room reading a book. She doesn't look up as OLDER SON comes in wearing his football kit, out of breath and covered in mud.

MOTHER
Bath...now.

OLDER SON slowly skulks out of shot. YOUNG SON comes downstairs in his pyjamas creeping into the room. MOTHER doesn't look up.

MOTHER
Bed...now.

YOUNG SON turns round and sulks back the way he came. A carton of milk with legs strolls into the living room confidently. MOTHER doesn't look up.

MOTHER
Fridge...now.

The carton of milk looks crestfallen and slowly leaves the room sadly.

A nostalgia blast...

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

MOLLY WEIR AND A YOUNG HOUSEWIFE ARE ADMIRING A GLEAMING FLOOR.

MOLLY
Och, it was a fair mess 'at gowk of a husband of yers made in the kitchen here, lassie.

HOUSEWIFE
Yes, but with new formula Flash the floor just sparkles.

MOLLY
Aye, but noo for the real test.

THEY DON GOGGLES, AND MOLLY SHINES A TORCH.

WE SEE THE KITCHEN THROUGH THEIR EYES, IN A BLUE LIGHT. IT IS SPOTLESS.

THEN BACK TO NORMAL VIEW.

HOUSEWIFE
Not so much as a trace of bloodsplatter. Thank you Molly!

MOLLY
Don't thank me, thank Flash!

CUT TO THE PRODUCT SHOT, A PACKET OF FLASH NEXT TO A BLOODSTAINED KITCHEN KNIFE.

MOLLY V.O.
The perfect crime every time.

CUT BACK TO KITCHEN.

HOUSEWIFE
Thank you Flash!

SHE HOLDS UP HER HUSBAND'S SEVERED HEAD IN A JIFFY BAG.

END.

INT. – LIVING ROOM – DAY

A TYPICAL CLUTTERED LIVING ROOM – SOFA, CHAIRS, TV, PHOTOS ON THE MANTELPIECE ETC. GRAN SITS IN AN ARMCHAIR WATCHING THE TV. A PARROT IN A CAGE WHICH HANGS ON A STAND IN THE CORNER.

DAD IS STANDING HOLDING THE HANDLE OF A LARGE INDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER – DRAB ARMY GREEN WITH A CAMOUFLAGE DUST BAG COVER. MUM STANDS NEXT TO DAD, THEY ARGUE.

DAD:
I told you love, Terry's mate brought these back from Iraq. They fell off the back of an Army Lorry.

MUM:
Look at it! It's more like a tank than a hoover.

DAD:
Well no harm in trying. Here goes. Watch you feet Gran!

DAD THROWS THE SWITCH AND THERE IS AN ALMIGHTY WHOOSHING AS THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. HOLD ON BLACK SCREEN FOR 10 SECONDS WITH SOUND F/X OF WHOOSHING AND THINGS GENERALLY BREAKING. PARROT AND GRANNY BOTH SCREAM.

CUT TO:

SAME LIVING ROOM. MUM AND DAD STAND NEXT TO THE HOOVER. IT HAS SUCKED UP THE ENTIRE LIVING ROOM. THE WALLS ARE BARE, THE CARPET GONE, GRANNY GONE, FURNITURE GONE, PARROT GONE ETC. THE DUSTBAG ON THE HOOVER IS CORRESPONDINGLY MASSIVE – DAD IS HOLDING A REPLACEMENT DUST BAG

DAD:
Better get rid of the old bag.

GRAN: (O.O.V FROM INSIDE THE HOOVER)
I heard that!

FRED AND BERT - KNOCK AT THE DOOR by Mikey J

SCENE 1. INT/EXT. HALLWAY/FRONT GARDEN. DAY. (INTERCUT)

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

FRED WALKS ALONG HIS HALLWAY AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR.

ANOTHER MAN, BERT, IS STANDING OUTSIDE ON FRED'S DOORSTEP. BERT LOOKS AT FRED EXPECTANTLY.

BERT:
Yes?

FRED STANDS SILENTLY IN HALLWAY, LOOKING BEFUDDLED, STARING BLANKLY AT BERT.

BERT:
Can I help you?

FRED:
Eh? I answered the door to you.

BERT:
So what do you want?

FRED:
Er… nothing.

BERT:
(TUTTING) Go away, then.

FRED:
Er… okay.

FRED CLOSES HIS FRONT DOOR, TURNS AND, SCRATCHING HIS HEAD IN CONFUSION, WALKS ALONG THE HALLWAY.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

FRED ENTERS, LOOKING BAFFLED.

HIS WIFE FREDA IS SITTING ON A SOFA. SHE LOOKS UP.

FREDA:
Who was that, dear?

FRED:
I don't know.

FREDA:
What did you want?

FRED:
Eh? What did I want?

FREDA:
Yeah.

FRED:
Nothing.

FREDA:
Then, why did you open the door to him?

FRED IS SPEECHLESS.

FREDA:
I'm sure you're going mad, dear.

END.

FATHER(JIM) EXPLAINING THE RULES OF THE HOUSE TO HIS 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER(SAM).

JIM:
Right, as you know your mother has been called away on an important business meeting this weekend and I have my golfing trip so you're going to have the house to yourself. You know the rules. No parties, no boys and no destroying the place!

HE REVERSES OUT THE DRIVEWAY JUST THEN A YOUNG SKATEBOARDER CUTS RIGHT ACROSS HIM CAUSING JIM TO BRAKE SUDDENLY.

JIM: (Shouting out the window) Oi! Stop skating around on that board thing! It's not natural!!...(mutters) idiot.

JIM ARRIVES AT THE CLUBHOUSE AND SPOTS THE OWNER.

JIM: Hi, I'm Jim Ryan. I'm part of the Smith party. We have a golfing extravaganza booked this weekend.

OWNER: Oh, has no-one told you? It has been called off due to the death of a swan.

JIM: What?

OWNER: Yes. All golfing trips have been called off. We are currently at the height of swan-dying season and it can be very dangerous to play at this time of the year what with all the nests they have here on golf courses, they also seem to be quite attracted to golf balls.

The swans, they can fall out in front of you, fall on top of you, knock you into a lake, beat you around the head with their wings. It's more dangerous than playing in a lightening storm.

JIM: Are you serious?

OWNER: I'm afraid so. Look we can put you up for the night if you like. Just don't leave your balls lying around.

NEXT MORNING 9AM. JIM ARRIVES HOME TO SEE OPEN BOTTLES OF BEER AND A PIZZA BOX. HE GOES INTO HIS DAUGHTERS ROOM AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE THE SKATEBOARDER IN BED BESIDE HER.

JIM: (Angrily) Sam! Sam!! Get out of bed, Now! You're in serious trouble young lady. You! (pointing at skateboarder) Get out! NOW!!

JIM TAKES SAM BY THE ARM AND PUTS HER INTO A DIFFERENT BEDROOM.

JIM: Stay there until I tell you to come out.

JIM WALKS BACK INTO SAMS BEDROOM AND HE SEES THAT SKATEBOARDER HAS ROLLED BACK FOR A 2ND SLEEP.

JIM: (shocked) What?!! Oi! Shithead! Get out now before I throw you out the bloody window!

SKATEBOARDER IS COMPLETELY SHOCKED AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. JIM GOES BACK TO THE ROOM WHERE SAM IS.

JIM: I'll be back to deal with you in a few minutes.

JIM WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS MUTTERING DISGRUNTLEDLY TO HIMSELF.

JIM: Unbelievable....what a bollox of a situation...if I ever...

HE STOPS SUDDENLY AS HE IS ASTOUNDED TO SEE SKATEBOARDER SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING A BOWL OF CORNFLAKES.

JIM: (Increduously) GET OUT!!! JESUS CHRIST! Wheres my 5 iron...

HE GRABS THE GOLF CLUB AND RUNS FOR SKATEBOARDER. SKATEBOARDER FLEES OUT THE DOOR AND JIM RUNS AFTER HIM. WE SEE SKATEBOARDER SPRINTING DOWN THE ROAD.

JIM DROPS A GOLFBALL TO THE GROUND AND HITS IT IN THE DIRECTION OF SKATEBOARDER. WE WATCH THE BOY RUNNING FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND WE SEE THE BALL HIT HIM ON THE HEAD. HE GIVES A LITTLE WHIMPER AND CLUMSILY FALLS TO THE GROUND.

JIM: Yesss!!

JIM BREATHES A DEEP SIGH AS HE COMES TO TERMS WITH ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. HE STARTS PUTTING A BALL AROUND ON A SMALL GREEN HE HAS ON HIS FRONT LAWN. HE STARTS GETTING A LITTLE TOO INTO IT AND BEGINS A RUNNING COMMENTARY...

JIM: Last day of the open... Jim Ryan is a shot up on Woods and Harrington... plucked from obscurity...He was 10 shots behind but 5 hole-in-ones in 1 round... has to be the best round of golf in the history of the world if not the universe... putting for birdie to become open champion...He does it! He does it we have a new cham-

HE IS FLATTENED BY A SWAN.

END.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A man is carrying some boxes into the room. His wife and child (teenage boy) are stood watching.

WIFE
You sure you can put all this together on your own?

HUSBAND
Yeah, this flat pack stuff is made to be simple. I'll just follow the instructions and I'll be fine.

WIFE
Good to hear. Right, we're heading off out now. See you in a bit.

Wife and child leave and husband starts to open the boxes.

Fade out and back in.

Wife and child walk through the front door.

WIFE
I wonder if your dad has finished putting that table together yet

She pushes open the living room door to find bits of wood and screws everywhere and her husband lay face down on the floor in a puddle of blood.

CHILD
Oh my god!

Clearly distraught, wife bends down a picks up the instructions from the ground. Something is written on it.

WIFE
"The instructions were in Swedish. I just couldn't handle it. I'm so sorry."

She turns the paper over.

WIFE
English is on the back you idiot!

Well the comp finished yesterday so just gonna put my vote in. It was close between the cool mikado and Chris Forshaw...

My vote goes to Chris Forshaw though as mikado was a bit "pet geordie"

Chris Forshaw