This Weeks Sketch Competition!

Damn I keep forgetting about this, lol. I suppose a few hours doesn't matter.

!CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED! !CLOSED!

It's good to see more entries this week. The topic was education and it was a close one between Shoepie and ajp29, but it was Shoepie who came out on top and taught us all a lesson
Well done!

THIS WEEKS LEADER BOARD:

Points - Name
06 - Shoepie
04 - ajp29
01 - Andy W.
01 - David Chapman
00 - imamazed
00 - Travis111
00 - paul watson
00 - Leevil

CURRENT OVERALL LEADER BOARD:

Position - Points - Name
1. 09 - ShoePie
2. 04 - David Chapman
2. 04 - ajp29
3. 01 - Swerytd
3. 01 - Andy W.
4. 00 - Everyone Else!

And in case it's not clear, points will be rewarded by vote count.

THIS WEEKS TOPIC IS: TRANSPORT

Anyone can join, as long as you get your entry in before the closing date.

One entry per person.

Post your entry here.

Any ideas or suggestions or anything else please PM me. And try not to post anything else on here other then your entry as it confuses me.

COMPETITION ENDS: MONDAY 19TH MARCH 9:00PM.

I'll keep it short

EXT-Motorway-Night

A man is being treated at the roadside for injuries after being in a car crash.

POLICEMAN:
Sir, can you tell me what happened?

MAN:
I don't know, i was driving for about five hours then i saw a sign saying tidiness kills and it all went black.

END

i've never written an actual sketch but i'll give it a try.

EXT. BUS STOP- DAY

A man walks out of his apartment building. He sees an old man waiting for the bus.

MAN
Waiting for the bus huh?

OLD MAN
Yup.

MAN
You always catch the bus?

OLD MAN
Everyday.

MAN
How can you ride the bus? Always living around a scheduel, sitting in that stinky dirty vehicle with the low lifes of society.

OLD MAN
I manage.

MAN
C'mon, admit it, it's horrible. Only losers take the bus.

OLD MAN
If so then I'm fine with being a loser.

MAN
Suit your self. Man, am I glad to have a car. If I had to take one ride on the bus I think I'd have to kill myself.

The man takes out his keys and tosses them in the air. He drops them and they fall in the gutter.

MAN
Dammit! This is just great, how am I going to get to work?

OLD MAN
I guess you'll have to catch the bus.

Sorry - should this say "Tiredness kills" or am I missing the point?

Dave -- you're missing the point. But you're so *nearly* there! :-)

Right, one from the back catalogue as I don't really have time at the moment. Not that it matters, cos I think ajp's already got this one wrapped up!

Dan

=================

MUPPET

INT: DAY. INSIDE A CAR.

WE SEE A LONG LINE OF TRAFFIC AND CREEPING VERY SLOWLY FORWARD. HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGS. HE IS CLEARLY ANNOYED.

MAN
Oh, hi honey. (PAUSE) I’m stuck in traffic. (BEAT) I don’t know. Probably some muppet not knowing what he’s doing.

HE STRAINS TO SEE AS THE CAR CREEPS FORWARD SLOWLY.

MAN
Oh, hang on. I can see it now. (PAUSE) I was right! It is a muppet not knowing what he’s doing. He shouldn’t even *be* on the road.

THE CAR STARTS TO MOVE SLIGHTLY FASTER AS THEY APPROACH THE CAUSE OF THE JAM.

MAN
I’m speeding up now. We’re just passing the incident.

MAN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW AND LEANS OUT

MAN (SHOUTS)
You’re a bloody muppet! You shouldn’t even be on the road. Muppet!

CUT TO EXT. VIEW TO SEE ROLF FROM THE MUPPETS SITTING AT HIS PIANO IN THE FAST LANE, PLAYING A TUNE TO THE AMUSEMENT OF SOME POLICEMEN.

END

Yes - sometimes I am a bit slow on the uptake. Apologies...

I'd better get around to something quickly although I'll probably spend ages waiting for inspiration and then I'll do three at once.

Quote: swerytd @ March 14, 2007, 9:45 AM

I think ajp's already got this one wrapped up!

View original

I don't get it either.

This is bad because if you have to explain a joke its not funny.

Right here goes,
the man's tired, he read the sign wrong because hes tired so he saw 'tidiness kills' when he should of read 'tiredness kills.'

I think my chances of winning have just died, at least at the moment i'm going to come third.

Hello, I would like to submit this sketch for your eyes...

Ticket to Nowhere

Bus pulls up at a stop outside a rural railway station.
Urbane looking man steps onto bus.

MAN
Does this bus go to Fox Hill?

DRIVER(in thick West Country acccent)
Yeh.

MAN
Great. Single to Fox Hill then please.

DRIVER POINTS TO MACHINE WHERE PASSANGERS SHOULD PUT THEIR CASH.

MAN
What?

DRIVER
Put your fare in the machine.

MAN
Oh right. How much?

DRIVER
Where to?

MAN
Fox Hill.

DRIVER
Single or return?

CUT TO IMPATIENT PASSENGERS TUUTING AND LOOKING AT WATCHES.

MAN
Single.

DRIVER
To…?

MAN
Fox Hill.

DRIVER
£1.50

MAN PULLS OUT A FIVE POUND NOTE.
DRIVER NODS TOWARDS A SMALL SIGN NEAR THE TICKET MACHINE.
MAN SHRUGS SHOULDERS BEWILDERED.

MAN
What?

DRIVER COUGHS AND NODS MORE EMPHATICALLY TOWARDS SIGN.
MAN SQUINTS TO READ IT. SEARCHES POCKETS FOR HIS GLASSES. FINALLY PULLS THEM OUT AND PUTS THEM ON.

MAN(reading sign aloud)
Exact fare only.

DRIVER
Exact fare only.

MAN
I’ve only got this.

MAN WAVES FIVE POUND NOTE.
DRIVER SHAKES HEAD. LOOKS ROUND AT DISGRUNTLED PASSENGERS AND MAKES A SORT OF 'WHAT SORT OF IDIOT HAVE WE GOT HERE' EXPRESSION. MAN JIGGLES HIS POCKETS.

MAN
No, I’ve got nothing smaller.

DRIVER
I can’t give change. Exact fare only.

MAN LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

MAN
Well I’m already twenty minutes late. Just take this.

MAN WAVES FIVER IN DRIVER'S FACE.

DRIVER POINTS AT TICKET MACHINE WHERE PASSENGERS SHOULD PUT THEIR MONEY.
CUT TO OTHER PASSENGERS NOW VERY DISGRUNTLED.

DRIVER
You pay your fare into the machine and then the machine gives you your ticket.

MAN IS TRYING TO FIGURE WHERE HE SHOULD INSERT THE FIVE POUND NOTE.

MAN
Where does this go?

DRIVER
It doesn't.

MAN
What?

DRIVER
It doesn’t take notes. Only coins.

MAN
Right. Only coins. This is so stupid! Why is it ‘exact fare only’?

Driver
Because it's quicker.

MAN LOOKS CONFOUNDED.

MAN
Look I need to get to Fox Hill. I’ve a really important meeting…

DRIVER
Fox Hill?

MAN
I was told it was on this bus route...

DRIVER
Yeh, there it is. (he points into distance)You can walk it from here in about a minute. 100 yards along this road. Single or return?

MAN (resigned)
I’ll…just…walk then.

MAN STEPS OFF BUS.

DRIVER
Suit yourself.

BUS PULLS AWAY.

Quote: Leevil @ March 13, 2007, 1:06 AM

Any ideas or suggestions or anything else please PM me. And try not to post anything else on here other then your entry as it confuses me.

View original

Yes I see the irony.

Ok, here's mine.

SCENE. INT. BUS. DAY.

A man steps onto the bus.

MAN:
All right mate return to the moon please.

DRIVER:
(Rather annoyed) Are you having a laugh?

MAN:
No, I want a return to the moon, why how far do you go?

DRIVER:
I go to the west park.

MAN:
Well... what bus goes to the moon then?

DRIVER:
(Getting more annoyed) I'm the 17 (small pause) you want the 71 that bus goes to the moon.

MAN:
ooooo... you're not the 71 I'm sorry for wasting your time.

DRIVER:
(Forgiving) don’t matter.

MAN walks off the bus.

END.

SCENE ON A BUS

MAN : Oy driver... driver. Didn't you hear me ring the bell?

DRIVER : You what mate?

MAN : The bell - didn't you hear me ring? I wanted to get off.

DRIVER : Sorry mate. I thought it was me tinitus.

MAN : Tinitus? That's a bit ridiculous for a bus driver. Look - I wanted to get off at the last stop.

DRIVER : What - you mean you only paid to the last stop?

MAN : That's right. I did keep ringing.

DRIVER : Sorry mate. That's no excuse. You know that's an offence. Can I have your name and address - unless of course you're prepared to pay a spot fine.

MAN : What happens if I appeal?

DRIVER : If you lose it'll cost you forty quid.

MAN : And the spot fine?

DRIVER : A tenner?

MAN : Oh very well. Here you are.

DRIVER : Thank you very much sir. Have a nice day.
(KISSES THE TENNER AND STARTS SINGING TO HIMSELF "MY DING-A-LING" AS THE MAN GETS OFF THE BUS)

If I may I would like to join the party, here it goes loosely based on transport-

TUBE STATION FANCY DRESS PARTY

WE SEE TWO GUYS IN A CROWDED HOUSE PARTY LENT UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH BEERS IN HAND. TOM IS DRESED AS JAMES BOND, JAMES HAS A CAN OF FOSTERS MASKED OVER HIS PRIVATE PARTS ON HIS JEANS

JAMES
Wicked party fella well done

TOM
Nah its been a bloody nightmare

JAMES
How come?

TOM
Well one bit of advice for a fancy dress party send written invites don't leave it to word of mouth.

JAMES
Thought it was a bit of a mish mash

TOM
Well i'm Bond street, your Cockfosters Robbo's Shepards Bush over there, but chinese whispers kicked in which is why we have The Doctor and the giant tub of vas

JAMES
Eh?

TOM
Lube patients instead of tube stations

JAMES
OH yeah, I gettit now so that geezer over there with the stripey jumper and onions around his neck shouting,geaturing and spitting on people...

TOM
Yep rude nations

JAMES
Bogus Bill and Ted?

TOM
Dude inspirations

JAMES SPITS OUT HIS BEER AND NEARLY CHOKES

TOM
What's up mate

JAMES
I'm off I just seen boob lactation!

Hello. I am Paul. This is my first posting on this forum. Hope you like. I'm looking to collaborate with other writers if anyone's interested...

INT. TUBE TRAIN. DAY

A PACKED SPEEDING TUBE TRAIN – PEOPLE FORCED INTO ALL KINDS OF UNCOMFORTABLE POSITIONS – MOSTLY VARIATIONS OF THEIR FACE IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S ARMPIT.
THE TUBE TRAIN GRINDS TO A HALT.

LONG BEAT. THE PASSENGERS KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS...

PASSENGERS
(Long groan/sigh)

TRAIN DRIVER (INTERCOM)
Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid up ahead of us we've got a passenger alarm, a security alert and a fire check by the fire service... oh... wait a minute...

BEAT. ALL EYES PENSIVELY TOWARDS THE INTERCOM SPEAKER.

TRAIN DRIVER (INTERCOM)
...and a man on the line – with his cat. This may take some time...

THE PASSENGERS STARE GLUMLY AND HATEFULLY AT EACH OTHER, LIKE IT'S THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM WHOSE TO BLAME.

TRAIN DRIVER (INTERCOM)
(Small cough)
Ladies and Gents – this isn't strictly London Underground policy - but, I'd like to suggest a little game we could all play together...

THE PASSENGERS LISTEN ON. BLACK.

INT.TUBE TRAIN - MOMENTS LATER

THE PACKED TUBE TRAIN AGAIN. THE SCREECH OF THE MOVING TRAIN, AND THE DULL CH-CH-CH-CH OF THE TUBE LINE BELOW AS IT SPEEDS ALONG.

THE PASSENGERS JOSTLE FOR POSITION AS THEY DESPERATELY HOLD ONTO ANYTHING AS THEY SWAY WITH THE SPEED OF THE TUBE TRAIN. ALL ARE STILL GLUM, BUT NOTICEABLY HAPPIER TO BE ON THE MOVE.

SUDDENLY IT IS REVEALED THAT THE PASSENGERS THEMSELVES ARE MAKING THE TRAIN "SCREECHES" AND "CH-CH-CH-CH" SOUNDS.

THE TRAIN ISN'T MOVING AT ALL. THE COLLECTIVE SWAYING IS JUST PRETEND TOO.
ABRUPTLY THE PRETENSE COMES TO A "SCREECHING" HALT. FRUSTRATION AND ANGER ALL AROUND.

TRAIN DRIVER (INTERCOM)
Sorry Ladies and Gents. Somebody always has to take it too far, don't they? And spoil it for the rest of us, yes? But we have to play along, don't we? Rules are rules.
(Long sigh)

AN OLD MAN IS LYING ON THE FLOOR OF THE TRAIN – CLUTCHING HIS CHEST.

THE PASSENGERS STARE AT HIM WITH A MIXTURE OF HATE AND CONCERN.

TRAIN DRIVER (INTERCOM)
A passenger "alarm" has been sounded on this train, we'll have to "stop" here and wait for "assistance" before we get going again...

THE OLD MAN, IN THE THROES OF HIS "HEART ATTACK", LOOKS UP AND WINKS AT HIS DECIDEDLY UNAPPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE.

THE PASSENGERS GO BACK TO STARING GLUMLY INTO THE NEAR-DISTANCE.

Just thought I'd let you know I am ill... boohoo me. So I proberly won't get around to officially closing this competition tonight, so you all have some extra time to get your entry in or even edit existing ones, I will allow that until the comp closes.