The Play

INT BACKSTAGE

A woman is swigging from a hipflask and pacing

WOMAN
Okay time for notes everyone, gather round.
So how do you think the first half went? Anyone? I'll give you a clue... it begins with shh and ends in ite. No, I don't want to hear your excuses. We need to go out there and save this show from dying on its arse. We have been working on this for well over a month now, what the hell has gotten into you all?
There was absolutely no energy, Jimmy you forgot lines, Annabell you are so wooden I thought you were going to splinter at any second. Half the audience was asleep.
If you don't get this back up to speed, I'm going to make sure none of you ever work in theatre again, Do you understand me? I'll make sure of it.
Right, Emily - some real tears wouldn't go amiss. You are about to give birth to a the son of god after all.

(Camera pans back to reveal a class of 5 year olds dressed for their nativity play)

This doesn't quite work for me, I always think that where you see one half of the conversation (because you cant show the girl until the end) you are looking for the twist early on and more often than not guess the outcome. If I was doing this I would have the conversation taking place between the producer and the director talking about the cast, that way the surprise is real at the end. just my opinion hope it helps

I have to agree with Summer G on this one. The character is amusing, but you need to find a way not to make it obvious that the pay-off is going to be in the reveal. Perhaps have the Director addressing remarks to a number of unseen individuals, so we are less focussed on finding out who Emily is.

Thanks for the comments - very helpful. I have changed it around a bit... still needs a bit of work I think but its a start.

Ooh this is a classic the over ambitious nativity.

It really needs a twist if it's going to fly.

Hello Sammy, and welcome. Just a quick comment - it's a bit confusing when you go back and radically change the original sketch. All the replies are left out of kilter and they don't make sense. I find a thread easier to follow if you make changes in a new post (either cut and paste or quote your original post).

Hope that makes sense.

Ah yes I understand what you mean. So I should just post the new version in a new post and leave the original as it is. The only thing is though, I change my sketches so many times I would be making so many posts.. but I'll start doing it that way

I don't think it matters for minor changes. But anything big, better in a new post.

Yeh but Badge it makes every one look stupid it's why it's fun.

Do a nice sketch on jam, then change it to one about necrophilia.

Sammy, just to be clear, post the rewrite as a reply in the same thread, rather than as new topic! (You may have got that, but just in case...)

If it is just a tweak it is fine to edit the original.

Lol, yeah I got it. You lot are too cute. Very sweet and helpful

Much prefer the edit by the way, Suggest switching round the Emily line, so as not to give the game away until the last moment, i.e

Emily - Some real tears wouldn't go amiss - you are about to give birth to a the son of God.

What Timbo said

I wouldn't worry too much about how you post changes, everyone does it differently anyway.

Personally I'd stop it at the reveal. Maybe have her conclude with some final theatrical jargon, like "just get out there and break a leg" to reveal a host of tiny, confused and tea-towel covered faces?

But it's a great idea however you work it.

Not bad at all, Sammy.

One thing though - and this is a personal bugbear of mine - but if you're going to use camera directions (which you really shouldn't unless you plan to direct yourself) at least get them right. A "pan" is a side-to-side motion. What you're referring to is a "pull".