Train Manager

FX : TRAIN AMBIENCE

TRAIN MANAGER:
(OVER SPEAKER) Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your train manager speaking, and thank you for travelling with National Rail. First Class accommodation is available at the front of the train, but there's no way you can afford that, so you might as well get used to this poxy living Hell that is standard class. Serves you right for being scum.

A buffet trolley is available which will run out of food and drink halfway down the first carriage, so anyone further down the train than coach B should start foraging for supplies now. If you dig deep enough down the back of your chair you will find enough dropped crisps and bits of old sandwich to sustain you on your journey.

A toilet is available for your convenience, and for your inconvenience, the lock has been broken off. In the toilet bowl is a turd the size of the Titanic, which unlike it's doomed namesake will never sink.

To make your journey as uncomfortable as possible, National Rail has provided each carriage with a standard-issue sweaty fat man who will fall asleep approximately three minutes into your journey, and snore like a pregnant pig for the rest of it.

Passengers are reminded that there is no smoking anywhere on the train, except for the brakes, which are just about knackered so God forbid we have to stop suddenly.

In case of emergency there is a small hammer next to the window, which you can use to bludgeon yourself to death should the person sat next to you start talking about their boring sodding job in I.T.

National Rail sincerely hopes you have an unpleasant trip, and to ensure this, all air conditioning will now be switched off and the unholy stench of the toilet will be fanned into your face for the remainder of your journey.
Please have all tickets ready for inspection.
Thank you.

Ha, ace.

You could do a plane one as well.

Not bad. I could also see this working as a Rowan Atkinson style rant as a passenger against the train Manager. do I detect the voice of experience and a little bit of getting it off ones chest?

Quote: Seefacts @ November 16 2008, 9:03 PM GMT

Ha, ace.

You could do a plane one as well.

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Cheers. Yeah I thought about a plane one but I think it's been done before. I might chuck this one at RFTP actually.

It's been done before and to be honest it's a bit below your usual high standard.

It's a long rant with out a beginning or end.

When your being clever like the turd/titanic line it's funny.

But much of it sounds more like a moan.

This is a bit of a rant, which I am not sure works coming from the announcer - is he/she intended to be disaffected with his employers? If so that might be made plainer.

At any rate a little judicious pruning might make it seem less laboured, e.g.

"Passengers are reminded that there is no smoking anywhere on the train, except for the brakes, which are just about knackered so God forbid we have to stop suddenly."

Would work fine as:

"Passengers are reminded that there is no smoking anywhere on the train, except for the brakes. God forbid we have to stop suddenly."

Quote: Timbo @ November 16 2008, 9:17 PM GMT

This is a bit of a rant, which I am not sure works coming from the announcer - is he/she intended to be disaffected with his employers? If so that might be made plainer.

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We don't need to know why the announcer is saying all this, that's not the joke.

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 9:14 PM GMT

It's been done before and to be honest it's a bit below your usual high standard.

It's a long rant with out a beginning or end.

When your being clever like the turd/titanic line it's funny.

But much of it sounds more like a moan.

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Where has it been done before? I think something similar's been done on an aeroplane but I'm sure that was ages ago on an American show. If that's what you're thinking of I can live with that.

It's more that it's kind of flabby.

I mean if you matched the clipped feaux sympathetic tones you might get closer to your aim.

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 9:28 PM GMT

It's more that it's kind of flabby.

I mean if you matched the clipped feaux sympathetic tones you might get closer to your aim.

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You reckon it's flabby? I'm not sure how I cut it down really - I mean I could lose a paragraph or two but this isn't a quickie sketch it's a monologue, like this one:

I don't think anyone here can fail to be alarmed by what's happening to our young people. I'm thinking here of crime of drug addition of easy sex of all the vices that can destroy a young person's life. And I believe that we must look to the schools to tackle these problems. Schools must help young people to develop a sense of decent civilized behavior. Because everyone must surely agree that decent, civilized behavior is every bit as important as being able to subtract or…or take away. Basically, the plain and simple purpose of education must be to teach children, young people not, I repeat not, to break into my car! There will be other aspects of education, I'm sure. But the most fundamental principle of decent civilized behavior is don't break into my car! Of course, I am concerned that young people shouldn't break into other people's cars too. But I thinkj that's more of an ethical question and not really the province of government. The most important thing is that they don't...break in...to my car! And of course we must look to the courts to sanction this principle. Community service, such a favorite with magistarates in recent years, shouldn't be a matter of simply scrubbing graffiti off of a few lavatory walls, young offenders must expect a short sharp lesson in replacing the near side window of my car! Because leaving my bloody car alone is what this government means by decent, civilzed behavior. Thank you.

The whole point of it is hopefully the audience will identify with at least one of the things mentioned, like the smell from the bogs or the snoring fat bloke and that's what'll make them laugh.

It's the individual lines.

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 9:40 PM GMT

It's the individual lines.

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I'd like MORE lines in it, and really specific stuff too - references to the grease on the windows or those plug sockets with 'Mobile Only' written on - as if you're going to pull a Breville our your bag and start making a toasted sandwich.

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 9:40 PM GMT

It's the individual lines.

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For me, it is more the tone; it would be more effective if the announcer stayed in character and announced the horrors in more of a straightforward, trying-to-be-helpful sort of way. Or if he descends into a rant, for this to have a personal motivation, that makes this explicable. At the moment, I can't get past thinking "why is this person, in this position, saying this?"; it is kind of like a punchline that doesn't happen, if you see what I mean.

There is a good idea for a comic monologue here, and lots people with relate to, but I just don't think you have nailed it. Anyway, it is just a personal view, so make of it what you will; if you are planning to send it to RFTP I don't suppose you are too enthused by the idea of rewrites at this stage.

Quote: Timbo @ November 16 2008, 10:01 PM GMT

For me, it is more the tone; it would be more effective if the announcer stayed in character and announced the horrors in more of a straightforward, trying-to-be-helpful sort of way. Or if he descends into a rant, for this to have a personal motivation, that makes this explicable. At the moment, I can't get past thinking "why is this person, in this position, saying this?"; it is kind of like a punchline that doesn't happen, if you see what you mean.

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How would Homer keep his job at a power plant? How would Bernard Black's book shop make any money? How is Dougal a priest? how does Frank Drebin solve any crimes?

It's a throwaway sketch, it doesn't need a back story.

Quote: Seefacts @ November 16 2008, 10:14 PM GMT

How would Homer keep his job at a power plant? How would Bernard Black's book shop make any money? How is Dougal a priest? how does Frank Drebin solve any crimes?

It's a throwaway sketch, it doesn't need a back story.

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I agree. How many sketches make perfect sense?

I posted this up in Critique because I wondered about the familiarity aspect, ie has anyone else experienced the horrible things on the train that I've mentioned in the sketch. I didn't expect to be defending the train manager's motivation for saying them. It's irrelevant to the gag.

Quote: Seefacts @ November 16 2008, 10:14 PM GMT

How would Homer keep his job at a power plant? How would Bernard Black's book shop make any money? How is Dougal a priest? how does Frank Drebin solve any crimes?

It's a throwaway sketch, it doesn't need a back story.

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Don't all those examples have a backstory, or, more to the point, an internal logic?

Even a throwaway needs an internal logic, otherwise listeners will look for the illogicality to be resolved in the punch.

What I do not get from the sketch is whether the announcer is sneering at the customers or ranting about the service.

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 16 2008, 10:30 PM GMT

I agree. How many sketches make perfect sense?

I posted this up in Critique because I wondered about the familiarity aspect, ie has anyone else experienced the horrible things on the train that I've mentioned in the sketch. I didn't expect to be defending the train manager's motivation for saying them. It's irrelevant to the gag.

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Lee, everyone will relate to the familiarity aspect.