SCENE1
WOMAN WALKS INTO KITCHEN WE SLOWLY SEE THE WALLS ARE SMEARED IN BLOOD.
BOB IS STANDING SHIRTLESS HE IS COVERED IN DEEP WOUNDS.
HE IS MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF HIS SEVERED FLESH.
WOMAN
Bob what the hell are you doing, oh my God are you trying to kill yourself?
BOB
No Maggie you told me to make something of myself. I'm making a hat from the flesh around my abdomen.
WOMAN
I'm leaving you, you nutcase.
VO
This is Bob Arbuthnott, Bob is one of the 70,000 Britons today (BEAT) who is a joke.
SCENE2
BOB IS IN HOSPITAL BEING EXAMINED BY A DR.
VO
Even in 2008 the NHS refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of being a joke.
DR
Are you feeling yourself Mr Arbuthnott ?
BOB
No, I'm feeling this nurse. Oh God don't hurt me, I can't help it I'm a joke.
BOB IS PINCHING A NURSES BUM.
SHE PRESS'S A PANIC BUTTON.
3 SECURITY GUARDS RUN IN AND BEAT HIM SENSE LESS.
SCENE3
BOB IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR AT A WEATHERSPOONS.
HIS BOSS IS TALKING TO HIM.
VO
Being a joke not only affects your health, it can render the unfortunate victims unemployable.
BOSS
Bob where are all our customers?
BOB
Well this man came in with jump leads I thought he was going to start something. Then a man with a packet of lockets he was menthol, and then this wig and dog turd walked in.
BOSS
Get out.
SCENE 4
BOB IS SITTING SADLY SITTING INFRONT OF A PHONE LOOKING HAGARD AND SMOKING.
VO
And this is how it so often ends for jokes, a call to the Samaritans...
BOB
Don't be silly there's lots of jobs for us jokes these days.
HE DIALS AND SPEAKS ON THE PHONE.
Hello is that Andrew Sachs the BBC would like your permission to broadcast the interview, when Alan Titmarsh asked if you f**ked your dog?