INT: WAITING ROOM
A man walks in he is dressed in a blue and white stripey top, a red and white neckerchief, a black beret on his head. He is carrying a long baguette on his shoulder and he has a moustache. There is a receptionist at a desk. She is Blonde
FRENCHMAN
Allo.
RECEPTIONIST
Hello there. Are you here for the Karate course? Or How to Speak English?
FRENCHMAN
Ow to speak Eengleesh..
RECEPTIONIST
Brilliant, Can I take your name please?
FRENCHMAN
Pierre. Pierre Bernarrrd
RECEPTIONIST
Okay Pierre, and just for the form.. Can I ask you where you are from?
PIERRE
France
RECEPTIONIST
France… really? Okay have a seat..
(A man walks in he is dressed in full kilt and is carrying a bagpipe)
RECEPTIONIST
Hello there? How to Learn English?
SCOTSMAN
Aye, well ye ken. I dinnae think I need it but me boss says if I dinnae dae it then im getting sent hame. Y' Ken?
RECEPTIONIST
Name?
SCOTSMAN
Donald McDonald
RECEPTIONIST
Okay sorry to do this Donald but we have to fill out one of these equal opportunity monitoring forms. So if it's not too personal.. would you mind telling me where your from?
SCOTSMAN
Aye I'm fae Scotland wee lassie
RECEPTIONIST
Oh Scotland? Really? I'll put it down.
(A burglar enters complete with SWAG bag and full cat burglar costume)
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
BURGLAR
Oh sorry is this not the stereotypes sketch?
RECEPTIONIST
Well yes but this is the stereotypical nationalities sketch, I think you might be looking for the stereotypical jobs sketch. That's just down the hall
BURGLAR
My mistake (he leaves)
A Spanish woman enters. She is dressed in a flamenco dress and is shaking some maracas, She is dancing the flamenco to music, as soon as she stops dancing the music stops.
RECEPTIONIST
English course?
SPANISH WOMAN:
Si!
RECEPTIONIST:
Name?
SPANISH WOMAN
Florenzo Gonzalez
RECEPTIONIST
And where are you from?
FADE OUT. FADE BACK IN. Room is stuffed full of stereotypes from all over the world. The receptionist looks bored.
A black man enters and goes over the receptionists desk
RECEPTIONIST
Don't tell me, Don't tell me. I've got it. You're here to learn English. Your from Africa and your name is Karamong Jong Jong Waki Taki Ti Ti? Am I right?
BLACK MAN
Well.. actually I'm from London, and my parents are from Jamaica, not Africa. But funny enough you did get my name right. (He holds up a badge)
I'm from the pc brigade and I've come for your equal opportunities monitoring forms. It is my job to ensure enough nationalities are involved in this sketch. (he looks around)
Well you have definitely filled the quota. But that racial slur you just did means I am going to have to shut the whole sketch down I'm afraid. Also some people might say you have portrayed these characters as rather gross stereotypes. Nope, I simply can't let this offensive tripe go on for any longer. Come on everyone, out!
(Everyone groans and starts to leave)