School haze.

A SEA CAPTAIN IS TALKING TO A HEADMASTER.

HEADMASTER

Mr Ahab I'd like to speak to you about your son Moby Richard.

CAPTAIN

Arr has he been dodging his home work again? I tell the scurvy dog he'll never be passing his GCSEs if he don't.

HEADMASTER

No it's his excessive use of the swimming pool.

CAPTAIN

Aye he's a natural athlete, he be ripe for the 2012 olympics.

HEADMASTER.

His enormous appetite.

CAPTAIN

He have a big appetite, but he be healthy. That blaggard Jamie Oliver has your head twisted around.

HEADMASTER

2 tonnes of brine shrimp is lot by any standards. Look Mr Ahab enough beating around the bush, Moby is a 85 tonne Blue Whale.

CAPTAIN

Oh aye you've got assylum seekers, ADHD and transgendered kids. But my sons a whale and oooh away with the lubber. You're a bigot yee albatross.

HEADMASTER

If you'd let me finish, he's a Blue whale and a bully. He waits till the other kids are in the pool for swimming and then crushes them.

CAPTAIN

He be, being playful.

HEADMASTER

He ate 2 other pupils we're considering suspending him.

CAPTAIN

Oh don't do that good sir, he can't help it. He's an angry young man, how'd you feel if you're species was being wiped out to make face cream. I blame that gangster whale song from the States.

HEADMASTER

Well we do have 2 new prefects I think might help.

CAPTAIN

Yaar yee be a decent sort.

HEADMASTER ON INTERCOM.

Margaret send in our 2 new prefects Toshi and Olaf.

I likes it!! Would be good to end with an OTT shocked reaction shot from Ahab after hearing the prefects names.

Nicely done mate

Oh, very good, had me creased up in places, namely the reveal about the blue whale and the swimming pool.
And very good characterisation of the sailor. I did like "He be, being playful."

Would perhaps be nice to see Olaf and Toshi coming round the corridor with harpoons in hand?

This is pirate sketch by the back door, you are violating the terms of your ASBO...

Extremely eccentric and rather fun. You could lose "enough beating about the bush", which is redundant", and try mixing the vocbulary up a bit more for comic effect, e.g. "my boy's a marine a mammal", "he's a baleen whale and a bully".

A bit of exposition could be lost by replacing "He waits till the other kids are in the pool for swimming and then crushes them", with something like "he has been throwing his weight around in swimming classes". And as an amateur cetologist I would suggest "swallowed" rather than "ate".

Didn't get the "gangster whale song" reference, but that is probably just because I am an old fogey.

Or after the swimming pool sketch, "but he been bullied too, blubbering his eyes out last night, be he"..etc.

Like the sketch Sooty, dare I ask you to explain who or what are Toshi & Olaf? It would make it even better if I understood the punchline

I liked it a lot, found it funny.. but I didn't get the ending either. Probably just my ignorance though.

Toshi is Japanese and Olaf is Norwegian neither country stick to the UN brokered agreements on whaling.

Ergo both would be happy to harpoon Moby Richard.

Harpoon and eat him.

Gangster whale song is the whale equivalent of gangster rap.

Such luminaries including Baby faced killer whale and Snoopy doggy pod.

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 7:50 PM GMT

Gangster whale song is the whale equivalent of gangster rap.

Such luminaries including Baby faced killer whale and Snoopy doggy pod.

View original

Ah got you! The joke might be clearer if you change the sentence round so it ends on the punch: "I blame that there American gangster whale song."

And just to make it really clear, go with Rob's suggestion and have Toshi and Olaf actually make an entrance.

With harpoons ?

True one can be to esoteric, Toshi and Olaf may appear.

Did anyone get the joke that Ahab adopted Moby Dick and got him into school?

No I didn't get that bit.. Your sketch is too clever for me. Does it help if you have read Moby Dick?

Nah if you get the essential idea that it's guy with a blue whale for a son.

I don't think you need them make an entrance per se, though could show a shot out the window or through the glass door of the headteacher's office to give a glimpse of them waiting outside.

Wheel them in. Japs and Scandinavians are intrinsically funny anyway, so dressed up as whalers they are bound to get a laugh.