Another attempt

INT. BUS

A big fat woman gets on the bus, there is a girl sitting at the back staring at her.

GIRL:
(thinking aloud) She's big. A right big heffer.
A large hippopotamus, a Mutton Muncher. McFattymous the 3rd. Oh Jesus, and look at that one. Plastic Surgery much? Know when to quit love.. And don't get me started on him... poor man. Um, why is everyone staring at me? Crazy bus Bastards.
And what on earth is that smell?

MAN:
Do you mind?

GIRL:
I didn't say anything

It's blatantly him though. Smells like…(she sniffs)

MAN:
Will you keep it down?

GIRL:
What?

MAN:
I can hear you

GIRL:
Just ignore him . Obviously mental. Whatever you do don't make eye contact. (she tries to avoid eye contact but fails)

MAN:
Will you stop that?

GIRL:
Stop what?

MAN:
Thinking out loud

GIRL:
I wasn't. (PAUSE) absolute tosspot

MAN:
You just did it again!

GIRL:
Did I? I'm Sorry.

Well that was weird. Can he hear me? Can everyone on this bus hear me? They are still all staring at me...and they look pretty angry. Especially fatty over there. Hmmm..just to be on the safe side... you should avoid thinking of anything overly offensive.

(The bus stops and on gets someone who is disabled, a transvestite, an orthodox Jew and a midget)

GIRL screams and runs off bus

Nice one nicely done and pacy.

A good example of using structure to be unpc.

That said I'd give her a stronger reason for thinking aloud.

Maybe the Austin Powers line about having no internal monologue.

I like it! She should be saying it in a really loud, odd voice too. Well done

As a youth I went through a paranoid phase where I was half-convinced other people could hear what I was thinking. I used to go around thinking strange and surprising thoughts to see if anyone reacted...

I would have the girl react less violently at the bus stop. Maybe just think "oh oo".

Liked it, good use of an everyday situation, also the puch isn't overly forced as all kinds of people get on buses anyway.

Minor point, but might have the man say "will you keep it down" rather than "your voice"

I liked this very much, I think getting a tranny, crippie, midget kind of Jew may prove tricky. However for a couple of bottles of mothers ruin...

MAN:
You just did it again!

GIRL:
Did I? I'm Sorry.

Well that was weird. Can he hear me? Can everyone on this bus hear me? They are still all staring at me...and they look pretty angry. Especially fatty over there. Hmmm..just to be on the safe side... you should avoid thinking of anything overly offensive.

(The bus stops and on gets Kerry Katona and her husband Mark)

GIRL screams and runs off bus.

Quote: Timbo @ November 16 2008, 6:05 PM GMT

I would have the girl react less violently at the bus stop. Maybe just think "oh oo".

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I think a 'face reaction' should be the punchline.

Sammy, read quite a bit of your stuff it's sharp and well written.

Not to sound too much like a teacher, keep up the good work