Quote: john tregorran @ 9th July 2020, 3:13 AMYou should be locked up for crimes against comedy
He lives in his own little world, the brainless twank. To him everything he posts is comedy gold - you can tell that by the LOL emoji.
I read the news today oh boy! Page 2,185
Meghan Markle is apparently listed as a doctor on the Companies House website.
Does she have any medical skills?
Clearly she does - she's removed Harry's balls without him noticing.
Carry on Doctor! 
A six-foot-one woman in Newcastle is dating a man of five-foot-nine.
To my mind, a bloke of five-foot-nine is a perfectly reasonable height.
Also, I don't consider six-foot-one to be particularly tall.
However, when you see the two them side-by-side the difference is absolutely massive.
Oh well, she'll keep him on his toes.
Do you think his mates put him up to it?
Two jokes for the price of one.
You lucky people!
Joan Collins who in her younger days was known in Hollywood as "The British Open", is now 87.
In a recent interview, she said, "People make too much fuss about age, which is just a number."
There's a man who hangs around our local primary school and he says exactly the same thing.
A Screwfix customer has died following an altercation with another customer in Warrington.
Police arrived at the depot to find the dead man on the floor having sustained a serious injury.
The other customer said he had no idea how the fatal injury had been sustained, adding "He probably did it himself."
For some considerable time in England, courts have been imposing extraordinarily light sentences upon women convicted of crimes.
That isn't an opinion. There are several cases in which the judge has said, "If you were a man, the sentence would have been much longer."
I've said several times that women criminals must think they are untouchable under English law these days.
It must, therefore, have come as something of a surprise to a woman in Toxteth Liverpool yesterday who was brandishing a knife in public . . . when a group of armed police appeared on the scene and promptly shot her.
One thing about bullets - they have absolutely no gender bias.
PS. Apologies to anybody shocked by this news item: perhaps it should come with a trigger warning?
PPS. Do you see what I did there?
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th July 2020, 3:47 PMOne thing about bullets - they have absolutely no gender bias.
Gender is so yesterday. What we need to know is: what was the color of her skin?
The Liverpool shooting story is likely to be very interesting indeed.
Apparently, five streets have been cordoned off, there were recently as many as eight police vehicles at the scene and witnesses say that in the immediate vicinity of the shooting there was "blood everywhere".
Witnesses also report hearing what they thought were fireworks in the street - which suggests several shots were fired.
Obviously, these Scouse coppers meant business.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th July 2020, 4:52 PMObviously, these Scouse coppers meant business.
Efficiency for you, our Police don't have 8 minutes and 46 seconds to hang around. Mind you, the enquiry will probably take 28 years.
Word on the street is that the woman was holding a large knife and was approaching a young boy who was sitting on a bike.
The boy rode away and the woman then began to follow a mother and her small daughter.
It appears that the knife-carrying woman was shouting - or at least speaking very loudly.
The mother and daughter walked swiftly to a nearby relative's home and went inside.
Shortly thereafter, shots were heard in the street outside.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th July 2020, 6:41 PMWord on the street is that the woman was holding a large knife and was approaching a young boy who was sitting on a bike.
The boy rode away and the woman then began to follow a mother and her small daughter.
It appears that the knife-carrying woman was shouting - or at least speaking very loudly.
Mentally ill, most likely. Sometimes mentally ill people deserve to be shot, unfortunately.
Typical "let's get outraged before we even know the details" comments from the public:
"People are sad and mad about it but obviously we don't know who she is or what's happened yet.
A lot of people are going to be angry that a police officer has felt the need to shoot a bullet into somebody."
Quote: Rood Eye @ 9th July 2020, 6:41 PMWord on the street is that the woman was holding a large knife .
If only she'd been carrying a large fork as well, she might have got away with it.
Quote: Firkin @ 9th July 2020, 9:18 PMIf only she'd been carrying a large fork as well, she might have got away with it.
That's funny!
It's fully six years after the event but nevertheless reported today is the story of how Liverpool FC's doctor had to stitch Stephen Gerrard's penis back together during an FA Cup match at Bournemouth.
The doctor says, "I looked down and saw blood everywhere."
Brave Gerrard, concerned that he might bleed out on the pitch and die asked, "What my chances, Doc?"
The doctor replied, "sew-sew."
PS. The above story is based upon real events but certain aspects have been invented because we are (allegedly) on a comedy site.
Quote: DaButt @ 9th July 2020, 7:07 PMSometimes mentally ill people deserve to be shot
Either that air treated with compassion and bought back to health by a well-funded Mental Health Service.