Dick Davidson's Antiques Sketch

Does this work?

DICK DAVIDSON AN ANTIQUES DEALER ON A POPULAR TV SHOW IS TALKING TO BRIAN.

Davidson: And you were saying it has been in the family for a number of years?

Brian: Oh yeah. Since 1930.

Davidson: 78 years! Blimey, that's nearly...

Brian: 80 years.

Davidson: Exactly. (BEAT) It really is fascinating to see something as beautiful as this! However, I don't think the value is going to be as high as you had hoped.

Brian: Really?

Davidson: I'm afraid so. You see, there's not much call for this type of antique anymore. And realistically, one would value it at around £100 to £150.

Brian: That's a shame, I was hoping for a bit more.

Davidson: That's the crazy world of antiques for you. (LAUGHS) I am however, willing to put an offer in.

Brian: You are? How much?

Davidson: £125?

Brian: £130 and it's yours.

Davidson: £127.50?

Brian: Deal.

Davidson: (LAUGHS) Great doing businsess with you.

Brian: Oh just a little tip for you.

Davidson: Yes.

Brian: She always pisses the bed.

Martha (ELDERLY WOMAN): Where am I going son?

It would only work as a radio sketch, though I saw the joke coming from the 1940 line. Others might not?

It might be an idea to make the woman much older too; 68 is way too young for incontinence!

haha cheers for the feedback Dolly, I'll make her 10 years older. This sketch was actually written for the radio, so it's good to see I achieved that. Once again cheers for the feedback.

It's still a bit predictable.

I think it needs a line on what Dicky does with his old dears.

Ok Cheers Sooty, will work on that.

You can get rid of the predictability by having a vase or something on the table in front of Dickinson so the viewer thinks that's what he's talking about. Then at the end of the sketch the camera moves to reveal the old woman. Then Dickinson says "Right then, on to the vase."

Or something.

Taking a slightly different slant, I could envisage a line to the effect of:
"This really is the oldest profession," somehow combining the antique idea and why he's buying a woman. Perhaps

I'm sure most of it can be cut really. Set up-punchline may be enough.

Dick Davidson! Not a lot of people know that he used to be Doctor Who in the 1980s. Now he values antique chips before lapsing into allegedly racist innuendos.

I thought it was a little predictable too. That's the trouble with pull-back/reveal gags, people try to guess them. Usually in a sketch like this, the actual antique would have been mentioned right up front.

Lee's suggestion would be good for a TV gag and I like Rob0's suggestion so you take it a step further than the obvious gag.

You could do a double bluff.

Not your granny, it's this vase full of piss I want to buy.

Quote: sootyj @ November 11 2008, 3:57 PM GMT

You could do a double bluff.

Not your granny, it's this vase full of piss I want to buy.

View original

Good idea. Maybe the antique could be a porcelain potty. Man sits opposite Dickenson and has old ladY next to him.

MEMBER OF PUBLIC
It's been in the family for 90 years. It's in pretty good nick, but it does leak wee!

DICKINSON
(LOOKS AT THE MAN'S GRANNY) I'll give you £20 for her.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ November 11 2008, 4:03 PM GMT

Good idea. Maybe the antique could be a porcelain potty. Man sits opposite Dickenson and has old ladY next to him.

MEMBER OF PUBLIC
It's been in the family for 90 years. It's in pretty good nick, but it does leak wee!

DICKINSON
(LOOKS AT THE MAN'S GRANNY) I'll give you £20 for her.

View original

Ha!

Good sketch and probably more workable than my idea.

I just like the idea of antiques fairs selling vases full of piss.

Then David Dickinson buying them.

Then rubbing the piss in to his skin to make himself orange.

Sooty you really are a disturbed individual