Petty Narrow-Minded Daily Mail-Reading Astronaut

This is a character I came up with for a radio sketch show a while ago. I've had a play to bring it more up to date.

FX :
SHORT BURST OF STATIC. ROGER BLEEP. SPACE AMBIENCE.

GROUND CONTROL:
(AMERICAN ACCENT) This is NASA Ground Control to International Space Station, do you copy, over?

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
(BRITISH ACCENT) This is Captain Aldridge, copying you loud and clear, Ground Control. Thanks for emailing the Daily Mail articles I requested. It's nice to have a small piece of home up here with me.

GROUND CONTROL:
Our pleasure, Captain. Okay now it seems the Hubble Telescope has developed a pretty serious malfunction in the solar panel array. Time is of the essence, so we'd like you to go out there and find out exactly what…

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
(INTERRUPTING) Tsch. Bloody typical.

GROUND CONTROL:
Excuse me?

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
Listen to this. "23 year old unmarried Mum of six, Tracey Beech, is raking in thirty-five thousand pounds a year in benefits" Thirty-five! You couldn't make it up, could you?

GROUND CONTROL:
(CONFUSED) I'm sorry…Tracey who?

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
Tracey Beech. Tracey Leech, more like. It's all here in the Mail. Her and her filthy snotty-nosed brood, sucking the life out of the honest taxpayer.
If I wasn't in zero gravity I'd bloody vomit.

GROUND CONTROL:
Right…anyway, as you know the Hubble's data core is directly linked to the solar panel array and we're in serious danger of losing valuable…

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
(INTERRUPTING, SNORTING) Just look at them, all huddled round a huge, 18 inch colour telly! Oh yes, colour telly if you please! And who's paying for their lavish lifestyle? Joe bloody Muggins, that's who!

GROUND CONTROL:
Uh, Captain Aldridge, if we could we concentrate on the matter in hand…

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
Hmm? Oh…yes…sorry Ground Control, please continue.

GROUND CONTROL:
So as I was saying, if the Hubble's data core loses power, it could potentially mean a complete shut-down and a four-billion dollar repair mission.

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
(GRAVELY) My God, this IS serious.

GROUND CONTROL:
Glad to know you appreciate the gravity of the situation Captain.

CAPTAIN ALDRIDGE:
…her boyfriend's a f**king Afghany!

END SKETCH

When you are updating it Lee you might want to have a look at the huge 18 inch colour telly bit. Did you write this sketch in 1951?

Otherwise very jolly.

A very pleasing example of punchline free character centered sketch.

Made me smile, the 2 characters are marvelously realised.

Quote: Marc P @ November 10 2008, 1:11 PM GMT

When you are updating it Lee you might want to have a look at the huge 18 inch colour telly bit. Did you write this sketch in 1951?

Otherwise very jolly.

View original

That's a deliciously underplayed pun.

I like it. The idiosyncrasy of a Daily Mail reading astronaut gives plenty of legs to a runner. What I'm saying is, you have a really lanky runner.

One thing though - what's "Space Ambience"? Surely space is a vacuum?

Quote: Marc P @ November 10 2008, 1:11 PM GMT

When you are updating it Lee you might want to have a look at the huge 18 inch colour telly bit. Did you write this sketch in 1951?

Otherwise very jolly.

View original

Ah, that was a comment on how these Mail articles always point up crappy mundane things these people have in their houses and make them sound really big, like COLOUR televisions and LUXURIOUS carpets and HI TECH Atari Games Consoles!

Quote: David Bussell @ November 10 2008, 1:15 PM GMT

I like it. The idiosyncrasy of a Daily Mail reading astronaut gives plenty of legs to a runner. What I'm saying is, you have a really lanky runner.

One thing though - what's "Space Ambience"? Surely space is a vacuum?

View original

Space Ambience is a low rumble in the background. Have you never SEEN Star Trek??

I thought that was the air conditioning?

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 10 2008, 1:16 PM GMT

Space Ambience is a low rumble in the background. Have you never SEEN Star Trek??

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Never. So maybe you should say "Engine Rumble" for people like me who don't spend their weekends fashioning phaser guns out of old mobile phones inbetween games of Warhammer 40K at their local Games Workshop.

I like this a lot. It works on at least seven levels, and three of them are only visible from space.

Would it be funnier if the data-core problem was going to lead to Hubble falling dangerously to Earth rather than leading to an expensive repair mission?

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 10 2008, 1:16 PM GMT

Ah, that was a comment on how these Mail articles always point up crappy mundane things these people have in their houses and make them sound really big, like COLOUR televisions and LUXURIOUS carpets and HI TECH Atari Games Consoles!

View original

Oi! Don't you make me look like a twat!

Quote: James Harris @ November 10 2008, 1:22 PM GMT

I like this a lot. It works on at least seven levels, and three of them are only visible from space.

Would it be funnier if the data-core problem was going to lead to Hubble falling dangerously to Earth rather than leading to an expensive repair mission?

View original

That is good. Purloin it at once, Henman!

Very good character, me like.

Quote: sootyj @ November 10 2008, 1:12 PM GMT

A very pleasing example of punchline free character centered sketch.

Made me smile, the 2 characters are marvelously realised.

View original

Ta!

Quote: Marc P @ November 10 2008, 1:22 PM GMT

Don't you make me look like a twat!

View original

Hah, twat!

Quote: James Harris @ November 10 2008, 1:22 PM GMT

I like this a lot. It works on at least seven levels, and three of them are only visible from space.

Would it be funnier if the data-core problem was going to lead to Hubble falling dangerously to Earth rather than leading to an expensive repair mission?

View original

You're right, Harris. Damn you, you're always right!

Quote: David Bussell @ November 10 2008, 1:21 PM GMT

Never. So maybe you should say "Engine Rumble" for people like me who don't spend their weekends fashioning phaser guns out of old mobile phones inbetween games of Warhammer 40K at their local Games Workshop.

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And maybe you should STFU!

I go with repair mission.

A banal atronaut on a banal mission has a more realistic low key feel.

Earth in peril makes it more exiting than it needs to be.

Earth in peril means the astonaut's fixation on the Daily Mail's nonsense is even more ridiculous, and heightens the satire. I reckon, anyway.

Also: millions dead=teh funny

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 10 2008, 1:30 PM GMT

And maybe you should STFU!

View original

Say The Funniest Utterances? Surely a tautology?