DAVE AND JEMIMA ARE IN A VERY ROUGH PUB.
JEMIMA
Ooh Dave isn't it super to find a real old East End boozer, so close to our Dockland's maisonette.
DAVID
I know it's just like it's out of the Sweeney. Mind you they only serve Stella, Stella or Imperial bastard vodka.
JEMIMA
It's like Eastenders, I wander if Pat will be serving at the bar.
A VERY ROUGH LOOKING BARMAID COMES OVER WITH SOME SHEETS OF PAPER.
BARMAID
Oi do you want to take part in Big Dave the C**ts' quiz?
LOCALS DRINK UP AND LEAVE, APART FROM A HARDENED FEW WHO HANG ON TO WATCH THE SPECTACLE. THE LOCALS ARE TAKING BETS.
LOCAL1
He loses an eye.
LOCAL2
Nah he keep's his eyes but the shandy drinker loses both testicles.
LOCAL3
Fink he'll rape her.
LOCAL1
I always thought Dave was gay.
LOCAL2
On account of being to f**king hard to f**k a woman.
DAVID
Well we both want to Cambridge.
JEMIMA
And I read Heat and Cosmo bet we'll have a chance.
BARMAID
You will, you're the only bleeding team.
DAVID
Who exactly is Big Dave the...
BARMAID
The c**t, that's him over there.
BIG DAVE IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A BLOOD STAINED PIECE OF PAPER HE LOOKS LIKE A WERE PITBULL.
DAVE
Right let the quiz begin question 1, who you looking at?
DAVID
Is that a question?
JEMIMA
Must be just write something down.
DAVE
Question 2, you looking at nothing? You calling me nothing?
JEMIMA
I think you should write no, I'm a little scared.
DAVID
Don't be sweet heart, this is just post modern.
JEMIMA
Like Shooting Stars.
DAVID
And Big Dave the C**t is a tatooed George Dawes.
DAVE
Do you know what you're going home you shit stain?
DAVID
Ooh I know this one, a taxi?
JEMIMA
No silly, it's an ambulance.
SCENE2
DAVE AND JEMIMA ARE BANDAGED UP IN CASUALTY.
DAVID
You always were better at quizes Lambchop.
JEMIMA
It's because I read Heat.