Wine Bar

Funny coz it's true?

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Half a dozen friends sit around a table in an upmarket London wine bar, joking, conversing, drinking and generally having a pleasant evening.

TOBY is showing off his mobile phone's video camera function to CHARLOTTE.

TOBY

Hey, Dan, Dan, do that thing you do.

DAN

What, the bird thing?

TOBY

Yeah, yeah, do that. Do the bird thing.

DAN does an exaggerated impersonation of some kind of waterfowl, flapping his hands around with a big stupid beakish grin on his face.

His friends patiently watch Dan with blank expressions while TOBY films it on his phone.

TOBY

Got it. Okay. Now watch this.

TOBY shows his friends the video he has just taken. We see that it's exactly the same as what we just saw live. Everybody creases up in raucous laughter.

JACK

Toby, get this.

JACK does something even more ridiculous, tossing his limbs around and gurning like an idiot while TOBY videos it on his phone.

Nobody responds to the performance. One person looks around the bar, distracted. Another checks her watch.

TOBY

Okay...

He shows them the video. All explode into laughter again, slapping thighs, doubling over, almost weeping.

EMILY

Okay, okay, my turn...

TOBY videos EMILY doing an even more elaborate and ridiculous physical comedy performance, thrashing around and contorting her face as if in pain.

Her friends seem even more bored than before. More watch-checking and distracted looks. A couple strike up a quiet, private conversation.

Then TOBY plays back the video for them and everybody collapses into almost orgasmic hilarity, bashing their fists on the table, beer spurting from their mouths, falling off their chairs, and generally turning purple with fun.

ENDS

Very well observed. Nice one.

Only quibble is I'm not sure it goes anywhere. Could you live with just one incident? Or if you do the three, could you make the reaction to the third one even more over the top - e.g. stressing that everyone gathers round, the staff, passers by, people who had looked quite dismissive earlier, etc?

Not bad but it's lacking a punchline, maybe a dark punchline?....

Would this help, as a hasty bit of field surgery, patched onto the end?

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TOBY, pleased with his obvious directorial talents, indulges in a dream sequence.

FADE TO:

A CELEBRITY, on-stage at the BAFTAs.

CELEBRITY

And the 2008 BAFTA for Best Comedy goes to... Toby!!!

TOBY, in the audience, feigns surprise, stands up, takes a small sheepish bow, approaches the stage, takes his award and takes the mic.

TOBY

Well. Wow. This is a surprise. I never believed I would be standing here, on-stage, at the BAFTAs.

[We see the first few rows of an audience of celebrities, utterly nonplussed, staring at Toby with blank faces. He notices too.]

TOBY

It was only three years ago that I said to my producer, I said: the day I win a BAFTA will be the day America elects a black president, yeah.

[He pauses for a laugh, but the the bored faces in the audience now show a hint of contempt, and several celebrities are now talking amongst themselves.]

TOBY

I'd, um, I'd like to thank my writers… um… and my parents, they were great… um… yeah, cheers. [leaves stage hurriedly, clutching his award]

CUT TO:

Post-BAFTA green-room party. Lots of small groups of celebrities drinking cocktails, etc.

TOBY, sauntering through the party, tries to make conversation with one group of celebs, then another, then another, but they all ignore him.

They're all too busy watching videos of his awards speech on their mobile phones, laughing raucously.

Hmmm.

I think this overcomplicates it. But it might work as a separate follow-up sketch.

I'll gratefully take your first comment on board, Badge.

It needs to escalate a bit more obviously.

In my mind, the last shot was one of the guys falling cleanly backwards off his chair, but the sketch, as written above, doesn't really make that clear.

It's a purely physical skit anyway, and the performances would be far more important than the mere germ of humour the writing provides.

It needs to end with the first bit of laughter, because that's a punchline in itself (sort of), or you need to escalate the gag to a better conclusion, although nothing really springs to mind.

As an observation, is it accurate though? Do people really find mobile phone clips funnier than real life? I've never come across it myself. But I might be wrong.

It's happened in my presence more than once :-)