SKETCH COMP 7.11-14.11.8 Page 2

INT: Reception desk. RECEPTIONIST looks up to see BALDING MAN staggering in with a woman over his shoulder. The man is wearing a dirty old mac and thick glasses, and is sweating profusely. The woman is in a black mini-skirt and is dressed for a night out.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you sir?

BALDING MAN
Yeah, we'd like a room, please.

RECEPTIONIST
Is...she okay sir?

BALDING MAN
Huh? (suddenly looking over his shoulder) Oh yeah, erm, she's just fine. We were out and she...being my wife...felt tired so we thought we'd call by.

RECEPTIONIST
How long will you be with us?

BALDING MAN
About two hours.

RECEPTIONIST
We don't allow people to stay by the hour. I can put you in for the whole night.

BALDING MAN
It doesn't matter, she'll be de-...oh, erm, she'll be desperate to get home by then I'm sure.

RECEPTIONIST begins typing.

RECEPTIONIST
Do you require breakfast in the morning.

BALDING MAN
Just one please. She...my wife...erm...doesn't eat...ever.

RECEPTIONIST
Very well...are you sure she's okay, sir?

BALDING MAN
She's warm...I mean, fine...she's fine. Put her in bed for a bit I'll, make sure she's comfortable when...we...get upstairs.

RECEPTIONIST
Very well sir...here's your key, you're in room 5 just down the corridor here.

BALDING MAN
Do you not having anything overlooking the ocean?

RECEPTIONIST
Full-up I'm afraid.

BALDING MAN
(sighs) Is it near the fire exit?

RECEPTIONIST
It's at the end of the corridor.

BALDING MAN
Great! Come along The Wife.

BALDING MAN disapppears round the corner, RECEPTIONIST looking concerned.

INT. DAY. IN AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING HOTEL
TWO COMPETITIVE AND RATHER AFFECTED YOUNG EXECUTIVES SITTING AROUND A TABLE, PERUSING A MENU.

Man1:
So what do you fancy for brekkie, before we go off and seek out some serious cash?

Man 2:
I usually go for Marcel's special.

Man1 :
Ah the crumb-punched kipper in a Pattiboulaye sauce. I saw Gordon Ramsay cook it with a crisp crunch crumb and a bed of cor blimey leaf.

Man 2:
Yeah, I think Nigella lathered the kipper's bishop and rogered the rosti with a goose fat smear.

Man1:
That sounds like Nigella all over. The saucy minx.

Man 2:
I threw a major dinner party last week and I tried to cook this one here, look, the tungsten charred bison sausage in a spunk-tossed rosemary crow.

Man1:
Oh yeah – Ainsley Harriot did a trump smoked version on Ready Steady Go.

MAN 1:2
Was it with fanny battered tomato goujons in a hoola hoop jus ?

Man1:
No, a mulled Irn Bru bum-bum gravy with a cumquat helmet.

Man 2:
Oh, the gammon wedges on a bed of bitch-wiggle dwarf omlettes sounds damn good.

Man 1:
That was what I cooked last week – but I added some strangled wild boar medals drizzled with fudge-pack oil from Umbria.

MAN 2 LOOKS UP FROM HIS MENU.

Man 2:
That sounds horrible.

Man 1:
Everyone was sick, come to think of it. I thought it might have been the quimlip meringue.

THE WAITER APPROACHES AND ADDRESSES THE MEN IN A DEFERENTIAL FRENCH VOICE.

Waiter:
Are you ready to order.

MAN 1 PERUSES THE MENU FOR 5 SECONDS AND LOOKS SPEECHLESS.

THE WAITER TURNS TO MAN 2

Waiter:
Would sir like to order?

Man 2:
The beans for me please.

Man1:
The beans for me too, thank you.

THE WAITER SAYS' ‘VERY GOOD' AND FOLDS UP THE MENUS, NODS HIS HEAD AND WALKS AWAY.

AFTER LOOKING LOST IN THOUGHT, MAN 1 TURNS TO MAN 2

Man 1:
Hugh Fearnley Whittenstall rustles his own beans from the wasp factory on his farm.
FADE

EXT. - SHIP GUESTHOUSE - EVENING

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GUESTHOUSE - CLOSEUP ON SIGN "SHIP GUESTHOUSE - SHELTERING SEAMEN SINCE 1708". ROGER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SYLVIA WALK UP THE PATH. ROGER HOLDS A SMALL SUITCASE, SYLVIA A NOVELTY RUBBER MONKEY MASK. THEY PAUSE AT THE SIGN, LAUGHING AND MAKING THE WANKING GESTURE. THEY GIGGLE LIKE A COUPLE WHO'VE BEEN ON THE TOWN - WHICH OF COURSE THEY HAVE.

ROGER
Must be a bit smelly after 300 years.

SYLVIA
That's a lot of semen, my monkey man.

ROGER
Come again?

FITS OF LAUGHTER AS ROGER PUTS ON THE MONKEY MASK
THEY CONTINUE AND ENTER THE FRONT DOOR. CUT TO:

INT. - SHIP GUESTHOUSE - LOBBY - EVENING

ROGER AND SYLVIA STAND AT THE SMALL RECEPTION DESK. ROGER IS STILL WEARING THE MONKEY MASK. HE HITS THE BELL CONTINUOUSLY. A KINDLY LITTLE OLD MAN APPEARS BEHIND THE DESK - HE LOOKS MOMENTARILY SURPRISED AT THE MONKEY FACE STARING BACK AT HIM

ROGER (holds out his finger in classic "fake gun" style - lame impression of an American gangster)
Gimmee all your money old timer. Put it in the dame's bag...

OLD MAN LOOKS AS IF HE"S ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. ROGER REMOVES THE MASK.

ROGER (cont'd)
Just kidding mate. You got a room for the night?

OLD MAN
I'm afraid we are all booked up sir. You should have called ahead. That is.. unless...

SYLVIA
Yes, go on. Unless what? We really need a room. If it's the money..

OLD MAN
That is unless.....

LIGHTING CHANGES - OLD MAN IS NOW THE VERY DEFINITION OF A DISGUSTING LECHER - HE MAKES STEPTOE LOOK REFINED

OLD MAN (leering)
You'd like the "Entertainment Suite" ?

SYLVIA AND ROGER (simultaneously)
What's the "Entertainment Suite" ?

LIGHTING REVERTS TO KINDLY OLD MAN MODE

OLD MAN
That's our suite on the top floor. The room's complimentary, you just pay for breakfast - 5 pounds. The terms are all here..

HANDS THEM A LEAFLET - THEY DISMISS IT EAGERLY

ROGER
We'll take it.

HANDS OVER THE FIVER. CUT TO:

INT. - SHIP GUESTHOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING

THE SUITE IS LARGE. BIG ROUND BED - GAUDY RED VELVET DECOR. MIRROR ON THE CEILING. A LARGE BOWL OF FRUIT ON THE TABLE. SYLVIA IS IN LINGERIE, ROGER IN HIS UNDIES ON THE BED

SYLVIA
It's a bit tacky, but I can't believe it's only five quid the night!!!

ROGER
Never look a gift horse. Hurry back - I'm gonna give you some of that monkey love...

SYLVIA ENTERS THE EN-SUITE BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. ROGER DONS THE MONKEY MASK, AND TAKES A BANANA FROM THE BOWL.

CUT TO:

EXT: - SHIP GUESTHOUSE - NEXT MORNING

ROGER AND SYLVIA STAND OUTSIDE THE GUESTHOUSE.

ROGER
I won't be a minute love. I can't believe I left the mask behind. It'll be a great souvenir.

SYLVIA
Alright, I'll wait right here. Don't be too long, we've got a train to catch.

INT. - SHIP GUESTHOUSE - RECEPTION - DAY

A SWEET OLD LADY IS AT THE DESK. SHE'S CHECKING IN A YOUNG COUPLE, DAN AND SHIRLEY. THE COUPLE HANDS BACK THE SAME LEAFLET OFFERED TO ROGER THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SHIRLEY
And people actually sign-up to being video-taped and broadcast live throughout the Guesthouse?

LIGHTING CHANGES IN THE SAME SINISTER WAY... THE SWEET OLD LADY NOW LOOKS LIKE A LEERING OLD TART

OLD LADY
Oh yes dearie. Take last night - fella's girlfriend disappears into the bathroom, and next thing you know the dirty old bugger puts on a monkey mask and sticks a banana up his arse...

LIGHTING CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL. COUPLE WALKS AWAY

OLD LADY
Good morning sir! And what can I do for you?

ROGER
Oh... ehm... I was just wondering if you had any vacancies next Saturday?

OLD LADY
Yes, we have a double on the second floor. Would you like me to book it?

ROGER
No that's ok. I'll think about it. Goodbye.

TURNS TO WALK OUT

LIGHTING TURNS SINISTER

OLD LADY
Don't forget your mask, Monkey Man...

SHE THROWS THE MASK AT ROGER..........

FADE OUT.

WOODHAVEN B&B.

EXT. DAY. MAN NAMED SIMON DRIVING ALONG A COUNTRY ROAD. HE SEES A FARMER AND STOPS TO ASK HIM FOR DIRECTIONS.

SIMON:
Execuse me sir. Could you tell me how to get to Woodhaven b&b? I want to surprise my wife for her birthday. I was hoping to be there two hours ago. I've got loads of pressies for her.

FARMER:
(Country accent) God there's no b&b's around here... Except for the one up the road there.

SIMON:
What is it called?

FARMER:
Am...Woodhaven, I think.

SIMON:
Thats what I said... Is it far away?

FARMER:
Oh God it's surely... lets see, you're talking at least. (WITH EMPHASIS) At least a mile away.

SIMON:
And how do I get there?

FARMER:
(thinking and second guessing himself) You go...if you take...you're on the road now...hmmm...If you stay on the road, yeah just stay on the general road, the road itself.

SIMON:
(Slightly annoyed)But how do I get there?

FARMER:
Stay on the road. Just...(shouts) Stay on the road!!

SIMON DRIVES OFF AND COMES ACROSS A COUPLE IN THEIR 60'S.

SIMON:
Sorry to bother you. Could you tell me where Woodhaven b&b is. I'm very late.

OLD LADY:
Oh sure young man. We have been staying there for the last week. It's.....

THE COUPLE TRY TO ESTABLISH WHERE IT IS BETWEEN THEM AND BEGIN TO ARGUE. SIMON ANGRILY DRIVES OFF.
HE COMES ACROSS A HEAVY-SET MAN SITTING ON A WALL EATING A BURGER. TRYING TO MAINTAIN HIS COMPOSURE SIMON BEGINS...

SIMON:
I can see you're busy. I'm just wondering if you could tell me where Woodhaven B&B is? It's very important.

BURGERMANS MOUTH IS FULL OF FOOD. HE TRIES TO GIVE DIRECTIONS BUT IT CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE'S SAYING. HE GESTURES TO WAIT UNTIL HE HAS SWALLOWED THE FOOD. HE SWALLOWS THE FOOD BUT TALKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS IF HE STILL HAD THE FOOD IN HIS MOUTH.

SIMON LOSES IT. HE JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR, RIPS HIS SHIRT OPEN, KICKS HIS CAR AND THROWS THE PRESENTS AWAY.

HE LOOKS TO HIS LEFT AND SEES THE ENTRANCE WAY TO WOODHAVEN B&B. HE RUNS UP THE ENTRANCEWAY AND SEES A WOMAN AFTER BEEN FLATTENED BY THE PRESENT HE THREW.

SIMON: (Worriedly) Susan?....Susan?.... F**k this.

HE RUNS BACK OUT THE DRIVEWAY.

END.

Votes please...

Tom G.

For pure slapstick genius, my vote is for TIMBO!

Kevin Murphy...
It's the only one I got.

A close call but my vote goes to Badge, with Kevin Murphy a very close second

I loved Tom G's and Timbo's sketches but...

For pure simplicity and laugh out loud-ness, I VOTE KEVIN MURPHY.

Otterfox gets my vote. The burgerman swung it.

Kevin Murphy for me too.

Dan

Summer G

Close call, I liked a lot of them.... Tom Campbell almost got the vote, but I go with EGGIE... quirky and original... love the family under the covers.

Mikey j for me.