SKETCH COMP 7.11-14.11.8

Hi all, sorry for muckin up again.
Congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... KEN MURPHY for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Kevin Murphy
3 - 5 - Chris forshaw
3 - 5 - Cool mikado
1 - 1 - Tom G
1 - 1 - Mikey J

Your new subject: BED AND BREAKFAST, chosen by Blobster.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14 Nov.

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
70 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
56 - Otterfox
54 - Michael Monkhouse
47 - Nigel Kelly
45 - Timbo
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - Afinkawan
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Mikey J
11 - Eggie
11 - Steven
10 - Kevin Murphy
10 - Blobster
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Cool Mikado
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Tom G
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT. NIGHT. SPOOKY LOOKING BED AND BREAKFAST

INT. BATHROOM DOOR
THE DOOR IS PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN. WE HEAR A SHOWER RUNNING AND SEE A WOMAN SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE SHOWER CURTAIN.

INT.SHOWER
THE WOMAN SHOWERING IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE FIGURE WE CAN SEE SLOWLY APPROACHING THE CURTAIN CLUTCHING WHAT APPEARS TO BE A KNIFE IN THEIR RAISED RIGHT HAND. THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS SUDDENLY PUSHED ASIDE TO REVEAL A MAN DRESSED AS A HAMSTER CLUTCHING THE GNAWED CARDBOARD INNER TUBE FROM A KITCHEN ROLL. THE WOMAN SCREAMS AS THE MAN BEGINS TO STAB AT HER WHILST GOING EEK! EEK! EEK! ALA THE SOUNDTRACK FROM PSYCHO

SCENE 1. INT. MOTEL RECEPTION

FILMED IN BLACK AND WHITE, MOODILY LIT.

A BLONDE IS WAITING, WHILE THE RECEPTIONIST, HIS BACK TO US, REACHES FOR A KEY. WE DO NOT SEE HIM DISTINCTLY AND HIS VOICE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED.

RECEPTIONIST :
Will you be staying with us long?

BLONDE:
Just the one night.

RECEPTIONIST:
Well if you need anything, just call for me.

BLONDE:
Will do. What's your name?

THE RECEPTIONST TURNS ROUND AND HANDS HER THE KEY.

RECEPTIONIST:
Norman.

HE IS WEARING A FLAT CAP PUSHED BACK ON HIS HEAD, HIS JACKET IS HANGING OFF HIS SHOULDERS, AND HE IS GRINNING BROADLY.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. EXT. A HANGING NEON SIGN, "PITKIN MOTEL".

BERNARD HERMANN'S THEME TO 'PSYCHO' KICKS IN.

SCENE 3. INT. MOTEL BATHROOM.

THE BLONDE IS TAKING A SHOWER. THE CAMERA LINGERS ON THE WATER RUNNING DOWN HER BODY, INTERSPERSED WITH SHOTS OF THE SHOWERHEAD.

A KNIFE SLASHES THE SHOWER CURTAIN, AND THEN AGAIN, THE INSISTANT PSYCHO THEME PLAYING AS IT DOES.

AND THE KNIFE GETS SNAGGED. NORMAN, FOR IT IS HE, TRIES TO FREE IT. AND AS HE DOES SO THE CURTAIN PULLS AWAY FROM ITS HANGINGS, WRAPPING ITSELF AROUND HIM. STRUGGLING TO FREE HIMSELF NORMAN ENDS UP IN A TANGLED HEAP ON THE FLOOR.

THE BLONDE LEANS OVER HIM, COVERNG HER BITS WITH HER HANDS.

BLONDE:
I say, are you all right?

NORMAN THRASHES SOME MORE, WAVING HIS KNIFE WHILE ATTEMPTING TO FREE HIMSELF.

BLONDE:
Do you need a hand.

NORMAN:
No, no, I'll be all right in a moment.

BLONDE:
You couldn't be a dear and pass me the towel? It's over there on the radiator.

STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR, NORMAN REACHES FOR THE TOWEL, AND PULLS ON IT. IT IS CAUGHT UP. HE TUGS AGAIN AND THE RADIATOR COMES AWAY FROM THE WALL. WATER SPURTS INTO THE ROOM, SOAKING NORMAN AS HE LIES TANGLED IN THE CURTAIN ON THE FLOOR.

BLONDE:
You just wait there. I'll see if I can rustle up someone to help.

SHE STEPS OVER HIM

BLONDE:
Won't be a jiff.

THE BLONDE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. NORMAN SUCCEEDS IN STANDING, STILL HOPELESSLY WRAPPED IN THE CURTAIN. HE STAGGERS ABOUT.

BLONDE:
(PICKING UP THE PHONE IN THE BEDROOM) The fittings in these old motels are really just too shoddy.

NORMAN INADVERTENTLY GRABS HOLD OF THE DRAW CORD SWITCH FOR THE BATHROOM HEATER, AND TUGS ON IT. THE HEATER COMES AWAY, LANDING ON THE WET FLOOR. STILL WRAPPED IN THE CURTAIN NORMAN SHAKES VIOLENTLY AS HE IS ELECTROCUTED.

NORMAN:
Oooh! Mr. Grimsdale!

BLONDE:
One of these days someone is going to have a nasty accident.

NORMAN FALLS CRACKING HIS HEAD ON THE EDGE OF THE SHOWER TRAY. PSYCHO THEME KICKS IN TO THE SIGHT OF BLOOD RUNNING DOWN THE PLUGHOLE. THE CAMERA FOCUSSES ON NORMAN'S DEAD EYE.

END.

EXT. BETHLEHEM

SCREEN READS "BETHLEHEM YEAR 1AD"

MARY IS SAT ON A DONKEY WITH BABY JESUS BEING LED THROUGH THE STREETS BY JOSEPH

MARY
Here we are again, theres no room at the inn, no room at the inn, why don't u stop being such a cheapskate and pay for a hotel

JOSEPH
On a carpenters wages! I can barely afford to keep the roof over our heads never mind little Jesus, and don't forget the money I'm paying for you to have that personal trainer come round once a week!

MARY
Yeah, well you like me to look nice

JOSEPH
And now there is another little "gift from god" on the way

MARY
Yeah that's right (PAUSE) a gift from God

JOSEPH
Wait heres a nice little place ‘bethlehem B&B'

JOSEPH KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND AN ELDERLY WOMAN ANSWERS

JOSEPH
Excuse me madam do you have a family room for the night?

INN KEEPER (IGNORING JOSEPH)
Oh a little baby, let me have a cuddle, whats his name?

JOSEPH
Thats my little Jesus

INN KEEPER
YOUR little Jesus?

MARY WAVES HER ARMS FRANTICALLY IN THE BACKGROUND MOUTHING "NO" TO THE INN KEEPER

INN KEEPER
But hes black?

JOSEPH
I know (SHAKES HIS FIST) Bloody God!

INN KEEPER
Right (PAUSE)Well anyway your in luck we have a lovely little room available, 10 pieces of gold for the night

JOSEPH
Is there anything a little cheaper?

INN KEEPER
Well without breakfast, if your out before 10am its 8 pieces gold

JOSEPH
Anything else?

INN KEEPER
We have a barn out the back, but its really for the animals

JOSEPH
Great we love the great outdoors! how much?

INN KEEPER
Excellent! Thats 4 pieces of gold then please

JOSEPH
Do you take myrrh?

MUM DAD AND DAUGHTER ARE LOOKING FOR BED AND BREAKFAST. MUM AND DAD ARE CARRYING SUITCASES THE LITTLE GIRL HAS A SMALL BOX WITH HOLES PUNCHED IN IT.
THEY SEE MANY NO VACANCIES SIGNS AND THEN EVENTUALLY SEE VACANCIES AT THE NINGBO TRADITIONAL CHINESE HOTEL. THEY KNOCK AT THE DOOR

MUM
If we can't get in here I don't know what we'll do

A CHINESE LADY OPENS THE DOOR

CHINESE LADY
Harrow, can I help you

DAD
Do you have a family room

CHINESE LADY
Yes we have prenty woom available

DAD
I see you are serving traditional Chinese food, what exactly do you have on the menu tonight

CHINESE LADY
Of course for starter we have steam budgerigar or deep flied snake
Then for main course we have loast poodle or fillet of Alsatian
And then for pudding you can choose from sugared eye of King Charles spaniel, goldfish in jelly, chocorit coated guinea pig testicle, and of course toffee banana, there is always toffee banana.

DAD
That's it I'm not staying here, let's find somewhere else

MUM
We have no choice there is nothing else available, just check in we can eat at McDonalds.

DAD
OK we'll take a room

CHINESE LADY
So dat is two adult and 1 children

DAD
Yes please, and how much is that

THE CHINESE LADY SEES THE GIRL HOLDING THE SMALL BOX

CHINESE LADY
What do you have in the box my rittle angel

GIRL
It's fluffy my hamster

CHINESE LADY
Oh terrible solly you cannot bling food into hotel.

LEE AND JOE HAVE A KEY EACH. THERE ARE TWO DOORS.

Lee: I can't believe we're doing this!

Joe: I know, fun isn't it?

Lee: Fun!? Joe. I've just spent £100 for a 'suprise themed' room. I'd have more fun at a prisoner of war camp!

Joe: You never know, if your lucky, that might be your theme.

Lee: Oh shut up!

Joe: Lighten up will you? Do you want first choice?

Lee: No. Ladies first.

Joe: Fair enough. (BEAT) I pick (BEAT) this door.

JOE PUTS THE KEY IN THE DOOR. WHEN HE OPENS IT HE SEE'S THREE GORGEOUS LOOKING WOMEN LYING ON A BED. THE ROOM HAS IT'S OWN BAR AND HE HAS HIS OWN CHEF.

Lee: You lucky sod!

Joe: What did I say? There's no need to worry. All the rooms are like this.

Lee: They better be. Wish me luck.

LEE PUTS THE KEY IN THE DOOR. WHEN HE OPENS IT HE SEE'S THREE MEN APPLYING OIL ON EACH OTHER.

Man: What do we have here?

Joe: (GULPS) Have fun!

Lee: Shit!

So, these three midgets walk into a minibar...

INT. A B&B/FAMILY HOME - NIGHT

A husband and wife are showing a business man(Mr Felix) up some stairs. The place is very homey.

HUSBAND
Yeah so we've only just really got into the whole bed and breakfast thing. Just to get a bit of extra money you know, so we've only got the one bed at the moment

They reach a door and walk in. It is a little boy's room, covered in toys, spaceship wall paper, and the little boy(James) playing with some cars in the floor.

WIFE
James, this is Mr Felix. He's staying with us tonight so we want you to be on your best behavior. Ok?

HUSBAND
(Leading Mr Felix to a bunk bed in the corner, stepping over the toys on the floor)
And here is your bed for the night

Mr Felix looks at Husband as if to say "Are you serious?". Husband just smiles back and Mr Felix then realises that he is serious, and reluctantly climbs into the top bunk and pulls the covers over himself with a look of puzzlement on his face.

WIFE
Good night you two

Husband and wife leave the room. James is making car noises as he plays with the cars on the floor. Mr Felix is just lying in bed looking like he doesn't know what's going on.

A drunk staggers into a B&B. Drunk says, 'I shheen the shign on sa door pal, now wheres sa bread and buckfast?'

A woman is lying in bed, she hears sizzling and smells something interesting.

She looks under the covers, revealing a filthy miniture kitchen; her family are inside; her yongest son frying bacon, her daughter mangling oranges and her husband supervising. They look up and see her

All: Happy Mothers Day!

Woman: Awww (to camera) I do like it when they make me breakfast in bed.

The woman settles back down, then wakes up again...

Woman: Are you... cooking my foot?

Daughters voice: We ran out of bacon...

SEASIDE BANK HOLIDAY

EXT. - A WILD WINDY SEAFRONT - EVENING

YOUNG COUPLE MARK AND EMMA ARE STRUGGLING AGAINST THE WIND WITH THEIR OVERNIGHT BAGS. THEY PASS A SERIES OF GUEST HOUSES ALL DISPLAYING "NO VACANCIES" SIGNS.

EMMA
I told you we should have booked!

MARK IS SILENT AS THEY BATTLE ON.

LATER...

THE COUPLE ARE FLAGGING AS THEY PASS YET ANOTHER "NO VACANCIES" SIGN. EMMA GIVES MARK A FOUL LOOK.

LATER...

AS THEY GO PAST MORE "NO VACANCIES", IN THE DISTANCE A NEON SIGN IN A WINDOW SAYS "VACANCIES"

MARK
I told you!

THEY QUICKEN UP. AS THEY GET NEARER WE SEE THE LANDLADY IN THE WINDOW FIDDLING WITH THE FAULTY SIGN, WHICH BY NOW IS FLICKERING BETWEEN "VACANCIES" AND "NO VACANCIES". IT EVENTUALLY SETTLES ON "VACANCIES", JUST AS SHE BECOMES AWARE OF MARK AND EMMA APPROACHING THE DOOR. SHE SMILES OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW.

INT. - GUEST HOUSE LOBBY - EVENING

MARK HAS PEN IN HAND READY TO REGISTER, AS THE LANDLADY EXPLAINS THINGS TO HIM AND EMMA.

LANDLADY
It is quite a small room...

MARK
Well, everywhere else is full. What do you think, Em?

EMMA
We're desperate.

LANDLADY
And it's only a continental breakfast...

MARK
Okay with me. Em's vegetarian anyway.

EMMA
Yes. And we're desparate.

LANDLADY
It's a shared bathroom, is that okay?

BEFORE MARK HAS A CHANCE TO SPEAK, EMMA GRABS THE PEN AND STARTS TO REGISTER

EMMA
We're desperate. That will be fine.

MARK SMILES AT THE LANDLADY APOLOGETICALLY.

MARK
Thank you.

LATER...

INT. - BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE UP ON EMMA (ASLEEP) AND MARK (WIDE AWAKE, STARING), WRAPPED IN A STAINED DUVET WITH THEIR HEADS ON PILLOWS.

F/X: A LOUD FARTING SOUND.

EMMA STIRS AND IS HALF-AWAKE.

EMMA
Mark!

MARK
Don't blame me.

EMMA STIRS FURTHER, WAKES PROPERLY AND REMEMBERS WITH HORROR THE SAD TRUTH AS WE PULL BACK AND REVEAL THEY ARE LYING ON THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM. WE SEE A DRUNKEN 20-SOMETHING MAN ON THE TOILET. HE BELCHES.

MAN ON TOILET
Won't be long now.

MARK (TO EMMA)
It's a shared bathroom, she said. That'll be fine, you said.

F/X: AN ANXIETY-FILLED KNOCK ON THE DOOR

MALE VOICE (O/S)
Hurry up Coxy, I'm desperate!

MAN ON TOILET
Nnnnnnrrrgghhhhhhhhhhh!

ON MARK AND EMMA. F/X: LOUD SPLASH. MARK HANDS OVER SOME SHEETS OF TOILET ROLL TO THE MAN ON THE TOILET.

END.

BED 'N' BREAKFAST BLUES

HOTEL RECEPTION.
A suited 'n' booted CUSTOMER talks to a polite RECEPTIONIST.

CUSTOMER: Hello I'd like to reserve a room please.

RECEPTIONIST: Yes of course.

CUSTOMER: A room that smells of poo.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry?

CUSTOMER: Yes a room that reeks of fetid poo, with pee all over the lamp-shades and the previous client's sperm all over the floor-boards.

RECEPTIONIST: Sir this is a respectable hotel, we can't…

CUSTOMER: And I'd like a television that doesn't work properly, just pumps out crappy MTV all the time I'm trying to watch something decent, then the moment I do get the damn remote control to work the whole set explodes in my face and leaves me looking like a Black-And-White-Minstrel-Show reject.

RECEPTIONIST: But Sir we…

CUSTOMER: Then I'd like a wake-up call at twenty past seven, only of course you silly sods get it wrong and wake me up at noon or don't wake me up at all so I end up missing my train and getting sacked.

RECEPTIONIST: Sir if you don't stop I'll have to call the police.

CUSTOMER: Wonderful! Call the cops and put me in a prison cell all night.

Receptionist flees.

CUSTOMER: The trouble I have getting a good old British holiday.

MAN ENTERS A BED AND BREAKFAST.
WALKS UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST.

MAN: Hello, I'd like bed and breakfast please. For one night.

RECEPTIONIST: Certainly, Sir. That'll be ten pounds please.

MAN: Wow. That's value for money. I'll take it.

RECEPTIONIST: Okay. Would you like a room with that?

MAN: Sorry? I don't get what you mean.

RECEPTIONIST: You've only ordered a bed and some breakfast, Sir.

MAN: Surely, it comes with a room.

RECEPTIONIST: Don't be so silly, Sir. Bed and breakfast doesn't come with a room. That's extra.

MAN: Eh? Never heard of that before.

RECEPTIONIST: I don't know what other places you've been to, Sir, but here we don't tolerate such nonsense.

MAN: But... if the bed's not in a room, where will it be?

RECEPTIONIST: In the back yard with all the others. Deary me! I can see you're new to this. I'm right, aren't I?

MAN: Oh, okay, you win. How much extra for the room?

RECEPTIONIST: Three hundred pounds.

MAN: Three hundred pounds???

RECEPTIONIST: Is there a parrot in here? Yes, Sir. That includes luxuries such as digital TV, a free mini-bar and... a ceiling.

MAN: Oh. Have you got anything cheaper?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes. If you order a room for the night, that's ten pounds.

MAN: Fine, I'll take it. Oh, I'll be soooo glad to get in that bed tonight.

RECEPTIONIST: Bed? The room doesn't come with a bed. That's extra.

Remember - entries till 14 NOV, then votin' till MIDNIGHT TUES!

==================
BED & BREAKFAST
==================

F/X:CASH TILL BEEPING AND ROLLING

MADAM:
So, that's massage leading to foreplay followed by full sex doggy-style with four shouts of 'Ramp it up, bigboy!' and one assertion of a massive cock. If you'll just type your PIN number here please...

F/X:FIVE BEEPS

MAN:
That's excellent. Now, what time is breakfast served?

MADAM:
Excuse me?

MAN:
Breakfast -- is it between seven and nine?

MADAM:
Erm... we... erm... don't--

MAN:
It's just I have an important early meeting tomorrow so I'd like to be down as soon as it's available.

MADAM:
I'm afraid we don't do breakfast, sir.

MAN:
But it's up on that pricelist there. 'Full English', 'Eggs Benedict', 'Tea Bags £5 each'.

MADAM:
They're not breakfasts, sir, they're exclusivities.

MAN:
They do seem a bit pricey, now I'm looking at it again...

MADAM:
No, sir. I mean (LEANS IN) we don't provide breakfast for the discerning customer.

MAN:
Oh, that's a shame. Tell you what: I'll give breakfast a miss and come in later for a big 'Hot Lunch'. Can I pay now?

MADAM:
By all means, sir. By all means...

END

Dan