This is a first draft so it will no doubt get a rewrite soon. But here it is:
DAN: Neighbours. How well do we know them? What do they get up to behind closed doors? Are one in ten of them really raving psychopaths? (BEAT) No, that’s not true; I don’t know why I just said that. I’m Dan Slab and I’m reporting from the quiet little town of Audingham, home to infamous serial killer Bill Daley - also known as the Surrey Chainsaw Cannibal. I talked to his ex-girlfriend, Chloe Nasm.
CHLOE: I met Bill online about a year ago. I was intrigued by his screen name and we just got chatting.
DAN: What was his screen name?
CHLOE: It was Surrey Chainsaw Cannibal with a little Hannibal Lecter smiley after it. He seemed such a sweet man, completely normal. Kept himself to himself. I left him because he kept leaving hair in the plughole. It was a bit odd that it was usually a different colour to his hair but I didn’t see why I should have to keep cleaning it out.
DAN: Steve Armington was Bill Daley’s milkman for 3 years.
MILKMAN: He seemed such a quiet man, always paid his bills on time. Pretty much kept himself to himself.
DAN: The police found one of his used milk bottles on your float, full of human blood. Didn’t you find that a bit strange?
MILKMAN: Well he did that once or twice before but you never think that sort of thing of people do you? I thought he must have cut himself shaving and got blood on the milk bottle while he was rinsing it out. He seemed such a normal sort of chap, who could have guessed he ate all those people?
DAN: I also spoke to Daley’s next-door neighbours, the Smiths.
MRS. SMITH: He was always such a polite man. You’d never have suspected him of butchering and eating 47 people.
MR. SMITH: That’s right. He’d occasionally borrow my lawnmower but he always gave it back a day or two later.
DAN: The police report showed that traces of blood and a tooth were found in the blades of your lawnmower.
MR. SMITH: I remember wondering about the mess at the time but I assumed he’d run over a hedgehog or something with it.
DAN: He killed 47 people. Surely you must have heard something?
MRS. SMITH: We did hear the occasional chainsaw and screaming but we knew he was a fan of horror films. One time I asked him if he would mind turning his television down because it sounded like he was murdering someone in there! (LAUGHS) We had a good laugh about that. He always kept himself to himself.
DAN: So Bill Daley appears to have been a normal sort of fellow who kept himself to himself. But were there any warning signs at all? Were there any vital clues which could have led to his killing spree being stopped sooner? I talked to the man who knew Daley better than anybody, his best friend David Belm.
BELM: I knew Bill since school. He was always a quiet kid, kept himself to himself. There was that one time he nearly stabbed one of our classmates to death with a pair of compasses but that was before his parents stopped him drinking anything with tartrazine in and he got 100 lines for doing it.
DAN: So he never did anything suspicious?
BELM: No, nothing. He seemed like a normal guy, kept himself to himself. He loved having barbecues. I don’t know where he got the meat he used but the things he served tasted like nothing else I’d ever eaten.
DAN: So the food he served was…unusual?
BELM: A little. I’d never seen a pork chop with a tattoo before! But it all tasted wonderful and there was always so much of it.
DAN: So there we have it, to his friends and neighbours Bill Daley was a quiet man who kept himself to himself. If even a man who butchered and ate 47 people showed no signs of his hidden life, how sure can you be of your own neighbours? I’m Dan Slab and if I were you I’d keep an eye on my neighbours because you never know when one of them will try to eat you. Goodnight.
