Soulmates Page 2

My lovemaking. With foreplay.

And the cigarette afterwards.

For me it's Havana laugh.

Not too long at all.

I like the set up, though this line could be slightly shortened:

JAYNE:
I know, and it's not bloody natural! All me mates are battling with their blokes 24 / 7. I'm starting to feel left out having such a shitty perfect relationship. I've nowt to talk about with them. It's embarrassing.

The line that threw me (which may have been deliberate) was:

TIM:
So did it turn you on?

JAYNE:
Not really. You?

TIM:
No. Mind you, your tits don't help.

The transition is a bit abrupt and could have been drawn out a bit more: e.g.

TIM:
So did it turn you on?

JAYNE:
Not really. You?

TIM:
No. Mind you, your tits...

JAYNE (BRIGHTLY):
Yes?

TIM
They don't help.

I love "roofers nailbags"

Another well-polished knob... gag.

Much better for the rewrite. What's with the glitter ball though?

Quote: David Bussell @ November 6 2008, 10:14 AM GMT

Another well-polished knob... gag.

Much better for the rewrite. What's with the glitter ball though?

View original

I dunno - the glitter ball popped into my head at the end and I thought it'd be a nice juxtaposition (sorry - hate that word) of the romantic glitter ball and vicious slanging match.

Hi Lee

Still feels too long after the rewrite. A lot of the lines are too long in my opinion or take too long to get to a laugh and I think it stutters.

For instance:

JAYNE:
I know, and it's not bloody natural!(SHOWING MAGAZINE) Look, it says here that conflict in a relationship can actually be a good thing, Let's try it, please? Just once, to see what it's like. (COYLY) Might get me in the mood…

could be:

JAYNE:
It's not bloody natural (TAPS MAGAZINE WITH FINGER) Conflict in a relationship can be a *good* thing!

JAYNE:
(COYLY) Might get me in the mood...

(incidentally that 'Might get me in the mood' line is *so* Amanda Abbington in Man Stroke Woman it has to go there!)

Later on, the 'You cheeky bastard', 'Oh come on's and similar just stutter what would be a better exchange of insults.

Needs a better ending as well. Like Sooty said, it's a bit predictable.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to write something particularly awesome to make me laugh more than Marc P's line about dancing. He's ruined it for you entirely with that gem...

Obviously, I'm no-one in comedy so feel free to ignore anything I've said above.

Dan

I like this very much, probably more so 'cos it sounds 'true to life'.