A Day at the Races

HERE IS ONE GOOD REASON FOR THE JOCKEY CLUB TO VET HORSE NAMES.

IMAGINE THIS ON CHANNEL 4 RACING

PRESENTER
Here we are at Newmarket for the 2008 commentators nightmare stakes, a handicap race over four furlongs, so lets have a look at this afternoons runners and prices.

The Rank Outsider 1-2F
On the rails ~5-4
The Leader ~ 2-1
The Winner ~ 3-1
I Don't Give a Damn ~ 100-30
Second Place 50-1
First Into the Stalls 100 – 1
Last Place ~ 500-1

COMMENTARY
And we're almost ready for the off we are just waiting for First Into the Stalls who is last into the stalls, and I think that's it and…… they're off.

Last place takes an early lead on the rails with On the Rails on the outside in second place with Second Place in third, and I Don't Give a Damn and the Rank Outsider running together in fourth place just in front of The Leader.

And as they make the turn the front runners are The Rank Outsider, On the Rails, and I Don't Give a Damn.

And The Winner is now bringing up the rear in last place just behind Last Place and The Leader.

Inside the last furlong now it's Second Place in front being challenged on the outside by On The Rails and The Leader moving up on the rails into third

And at the line it's The Rank Outsider the odds on favourite who takes it from The Winner in second and I Don't Give a Damn who's third, with 4th place going to Second Place and thank god that's over for another year!

It's an amusing idea but I don't think you give it enough oomph. There's so much more confusion you can give with these names in an escalating comedic situation, in a kind of racing equivalent of Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First?" routine.

Unfortunately there has already been a better, ruder version of the idea by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore (as Derek and Clive*). There might be room for a clean version, though!

*EDIT as Griff beat me to it!

Yes I am sure you could take this as far as you want, I like the idea though and I wasn't aware of the Pete & Dud version.

Thanks for the feedback

I like this, it is a good idea and nicely enough written, but agree with Badge that it could benefit from further escalation.