Hello, first time poster here. I've written a sitcom about a PA (JOEL) who is paid to deal with the bizarre personal life of one of Liverpool Football Club's star players and local heroes (ALEX). Alex is worshipped by the Anfield faithful, considered a hero and a fine example to the young. However, behind closed doors, Alex is an unstable, paranoid and deluded young man with little understanding of social mores whose bizarre and baffling off-the-pitch antics are kept concealed by Joel. The only other two people Alex associates with is idiotic yet endearing uncle Frank and his agent Kim. This is the first episode. I'm just going to put the whole thing up here but just read as much as you can and be as harsh as you want. Your input would be greatly appreciated.
THE BIG SHOT
EPISODE ONE - THE INTERVIEW
SCENE ONE
JOEL, ALEX, FRANK AND KIM ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM OF ALEX'S HOUSE. ALEX IS SAT OPPOSITE JOEL, WITH FRANK AND KIM EITHER SIDE.
ALEX
There are two types of people in the world. Jamie Olivers and Joseph Fritzls. The Jamie Olivers, the good guys, the heroes, they're the people I want to know. They're the ones that make the big differences. They're the ones we can rely on. And the Joseph Fritzls, well they just wanna f**k everyone. So which one are you Joel?
JOEL
A Jamie, I'd like to think.
ALEX
Good. Good. I like you Joel. I always liked you, you know, back in school.
JOEL
Really?
ALEX
Yeah. I know we weren't dead good mates like but I liked you. Thought you were alright, you know, a sound boy.
JOEL
Thanks.
ALEX
To be honest, that's why I wanted to trial you. I've had some problems trusting people. Some people are just hard to trust. I wanted you because I knew you. I remember you. I remember your mum. She was nice. I liked her and I like that. You know, I've had to let some of my previous PAs go, some of them sell your stories to the papers, I've had some that were actually stealing from me.
KIM
For God's sake Alex - (TO JOEL) they weren't stealing from him.
ALEX (TAPPING HEAD, STILL STARING AT JOEL)
They were stealing more than possessions.
KIM SHAKES HER HEAD
ALEX
I couldn't trust them. There's more to trust than material possessions. It's about character, decency, intent. I need a PA I can rely on, you know, when I need him most. I need someone who's going to go the extra mile. I'll need some who's 100% committed, always prepared, but there's a lot of money in it for you.
JOEL
I can do that.
ALEX
Well, that's why I've got you here. We know each other. I know it's been a long time. We've done separate things with our lives, ok, but this could be the start of a long, successful partnership if you wanna make it happen, Joel.
JOEL
Definitely.
ALEX
The fact that we've got our history makes this a lot easier. Like I said, I know we didn't hang out in the same circles. We did different things in school. I, personally, wasn't even bothered that you were a seat sniffer.
JOEL (AWKWARD)
I wasn't a seat sniffer.
ALEX
No, no, you were. I swear it was you. Everyone used to call you a seat sniffer in school. Seat sniffing Joel.
JOEL
No, no, I wasn't a seat sniffer.
FRANK
You used to sniff seats?
JOEL
No, no, it was a misunderstanding. I dropped a pen and I was trying to get it...
FRANK
What do you get out of sniffing seats?
JOEL (EMBARRASSED, EAGER TO CHANGE CONVERSATION)
I wasn't a seat sniffer. I wasn't a seat sniffer.
ALEX
I'm not arsed if you sniff seats or not, la. If that's what you like to do, that's what you like to do. I've got hobbies.
KIM SNORTS. JOEL SHOOTS HER A CURIOUS LOOK.
JOEL
I didn't sniff seats.
ALEX
It's not my business mate. All I wanna know is are you prepared to be there for me, twenty-four -seven, seven days a week. You know, can I rely on you?
JOEL
Yes, yes, absolutely. I'm your man, you know, I'm good to go.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, another thing. No ties.
JOEL
No ties?
ALEX
Yeah, no ties. They're not healthy. Not good for you. Germs.
JOEL
But...you're wearing a tie?
ALEX
Yeah, I know, I have to wear a tie sometimes. Club rules. I know this isn't technically a club matter, but I just thought, you know, dress smart and that, formal occasion and all.
JOEL
Well, yeah, I mean, that was my thinking too.
ALEX
No, I'm not having a go or anything.
JOEL
No, I didn't think you were, I was just saying.
ALEX
Yeah, no, I thought that, but just from now on and that. Unless it's a special occasion
JOEL
Yeah, ok, cool. Yeah, whatever you want, I'll sort it.
ALEX
Well, the job's not yours yet, not permanently. This is a trial period. You'll be doing a trial period for two weeks, before we make the decision. Now, I suppose I don't really need to tell you, but the job description, it's a bit of everything really. My washing is a big part of that, I'm afraid to say. (WINKS AND LAUGHS). But in all seriousness, I'm in a very contentious position. People say I live the dream but it's not always easy being the hero of the world's biggest football club, being worshipped, especially in this city. Half the city has homoerotic fantasies about me. The other half want to kick me head in. So, I need someone to do the things I just can't do.
JOEL
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
ALEX
Some things that are private and personal. Things that shouldn't leave the walls of this house. Some things I wouldn't even want Kim knowing about? (WINKS AND LAUGHS)
JOEL LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
KIM
Trust me, I really do not want to know. Look, I think this whole thing has gone on too long already. (RISES FROM CHAIR) I'm sure Joel gets the idea and to be perfectly honest, if I have to hear this speech one more time you'll be having to find yourself a new agent as well.
ALEX
She jokes. She always jokes. But she needs me and she knows it. You know why? Money my friend, the currency of the world.
END SCENE
SCENE TWO
JOEL IS DRIVING ALEX THROUGH LIVERPOOL AT NIGHT. ALEX IS SITTING IN THE BACK. JOEL IS LOOKING VERY STRESSED.
ALEX
Hey, hey, make a left here.
JOEL
Why? What's up?
ALEX
Just make a left, lad.
JOEL
We picking someone up or something?
ALEX
Sort of. Yeah, pull up here, next to this just here. Yeah, lad, there you go.
JOEL PARKS THE CAR ON A SCRUFFY, DESERTED STREET.
ALEX
Alright, now, just chill. Turn the engine off.
JOEL
Ok.
THEY WAIT FOR A MINUTE IN SILENCE.
JOEL
Hey, you know, I think this where that restaurant is, right? You know, that boss Turkish restaurant. It's in the weirdest location. Basically a bit of a shithole.
ALEX
Yeah, it is, yeah.
JOEL
You been?
ALEX (POINTING)
Yeah. It's just over there, beyond Jimmy boy in the car there.
JOEL
Who?
ALEX
Jim. (HE LEANS OUT THE WINDOW). Alright Jim!
JIM BEEPS HIS HORN.
JOEL
Who's that? How do you know him?
ALEX
It's Jim. Jimmy Boy. He's a lecturer. Liverpool uni. Philosophy. He's sound you know. We get on dead well 'cause I'm dead into me Philosophy and all that as well
JOEL
What's he doing here? Are you meeting him? Did you know he was going to be here? What is this?
ALEX
What do you think? Use your head, lad.
JOEL (REALISING)
Right... sound.
ALEX
Do you ever do it?
JOEL (SHEEPISH, AWKWARD)
No. Never have. No.
ALEX
You gotta try it sometime lad. It's the shit.
JOEL
I thought all footy players got call girls anyway. Isn't that the protocol?
ALEX
They're shit lad. It's like having sex with a robot. I want someone with a bit of passion, you know. Someone who goes the extra mile, who's 100% committed, always prepared . Oh, heads up, here they come.
A LARGE WOMAN (MARYSA) APPROACHES THE CAR.
MARYSA
Alex!
ALEX
What's up love?
MARYSA
You good babe?
ALEX
Yeah, sound, just been in Manchester like. What you been doing?
MARYSA
Same old, same old. You know us.
ALEX
A woman's work is never done, hey? Come 'head then, Marysa girl. Let's get this show on the road.
MARYSA GETS IN THE CAR NEXT TO ALEX.
ALEX
Driver. Vamos.
THE THREE DRIVE OFF. ALEX STARTS TO GET IT ON WITH MARYSA BUT STARTS TO GO TOO FAR FOR JOEL.
JOEL
Woah! Woah! Ok. Ok. No. No. No. I'm not into this, lad, honestly.
ALEX
What?
JOEL
Well, I've got no problem driving yous around but I'm not cool with this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've gotta put me foot down.
ALEX
What's up, lad? You seem all tense.
MARYSA
What's this guy's problem?
ALEX
Oh sorry, Joel, Marysa, Marysa, Joel.
JOEL
Hi, nice to meet you.
MARYSA
What happened to Darron?
ALEX
Scarlet fever. He got scarlet fever.
JOEL
Listen, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be personal, but, I'm not sure about this. I didn't realize what this would entail. No one told me I'd be driving a brothel on wheels, like. I didn't sign up for this. You know, I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I'm up to it.
ALEX
What are you talking about? It's your first day.
JOEL
I know, I know. This is what I'm saying. It's my first day and I'm already thinking about packing it in.
ALEX
Your first day is always the longest. Honestly lad, you'll be doing this shit in your sleep soon.
JOEL
This shit is what I'm scared of, to be honest.
ALEX
What's so bad? All you done is a bit of driving.
JOEL
What? What are you talking about? What about all that shit in the restaurant? With Klinsmann?
END SCENE
SCENE THREE
JOEL AND ALEX ARE IN THE CAR. IT IS DAYTIME. JOEL IS DRIVING. ALEX IS IN THE BACK. THEY ARE SITTING IN SILENCE.
JOEL
Alex?
ALEX
You alright mate?
JOEL
Do you mind telling us where we're going? It would be a lot easier.
ALEX
Drive us to Manchester. The city centre. Thought I'd ease you into it, you know. I got a small publicity stunt at this Oriental establishment. It's good, you know. Can't remember what it's called, it's got one of them crazy names. I'll show you. Like I said, it's just a bit of a publicity stunt. I'm not into it personally, I just do it for the club, you know.
JOEL
Oh, sound. Manchester. Gone the worst possible way like, but ok.
THEY DRIVE ON
ALEX (PLAYING ON MOBILE PHONE)
So Joel?
JOEL
Yeah.
ALEX
So you went to uni and that then yeah?
JOEL
Yep.
ALEX
You did English?
JOEL
Er, yeah, English lit.
ALEX
So, you read a lot of books then?
JOEL
Well, yeah, kind of, I wikipedied a lot of them to be honest.
ALEX
So, you read that Grapes of Wrath then?
JOEL
Er, yeah.
ALEX MAKES APPROVING FACIAL GESTURE.
ALEX
Have you read that On the Road?
JOEL
The Kerouac book?
ALEX
Yeah.
JOEL
Er, yeah.
ALEX (LOOKS UP FROM PHONE)
Right, don't you think they're all proper gay for the guy in that book.
JOEL
What guy?
ALEX
You know, what's his name? Dean Moriaty or something like that.
JOEL
Maybe. Why?
ALEX
Nah, it's just they say it's a classic but all I got from it was that they were all proper gay for that guy.
JOEL
I don't really remember, to be honest.
AN AWKWARD SILENCE
ALEX
You into conspiracy theories, lad?
JOEL
Erm, no. not really.
ALEX (PLAYING WITH PHONE AGAIN)
Oh.
END SCENE
SCENE FOUR
JOEL AND ALEX ARRIVE OUTSIDE THE CHINESE RESTAURANT IN MANCHESTER CITY CENTRE. A FEW PHOTOGRAPHERS WAIT OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE OF THE RESTAURANT.
ALEX
Alright, this is it.
JOEL
Who you meeting?
ALEX
Dunno.
JOEL
You don't know?
ALEX
No. Do you?
JOEL
No. How would I know?
ALEX
Dunno, you might've read about it somewhere.
JOEL
No, didn't see anything.
ALEX
Well, just some other footy players, like. We're supposed to be, like, (DOES QUOTATION MARKS) "discussing our joint charity venture" or something like that. You know, it's meant to look good, footballers working together for the good of the world, putting our differences aside etc. but someone else just always ends up sorting it out.
JOEL
So, you've never met these guys before?
ALEX
I don't even know who's in there, mate. Sometimes it's someone you've done this thing before with, you know, a familiar face but it's never anyone interesting or intellectual or anything like that.
JOEL
So, what do you do then?
ALEX
Just, you know, get snapped going in. (PAUSE) Then eat. Then leave. Listen it's not much and I won't need you for a bit. Do you wanna go do something for an hour? Go for coffee? Get something to eat? Go for a walk or something?
JOEL
Yeah, I'll sort myself out.
ALEX
Alright, drop us at the front. Then go park the car and f**k off for a bit til I call you.
JOEL DRIVES THE CAR TO THE MAIN ENTRANCE OF THE RESTAURANT AND DROPS ALEX OFF. ALEX TAKES A VERY BRIEF MOMENT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED THEN GOES INTO THE RESTAURANT. JOEL DRIVES AWAY.
END SCENE
SCENE FIVE
ALEX GOES INOT THE RESTAURANT AND IS SHOWN TO HIS TABLE. THERE ARE THREE MIN-TWENTIES MEN, TWO IVORIANS AND A BLOND MAN.
ALEX
Alright?
ALEX SHAKES THE HAND OF IVORIAN #1.
IVORIAN #1
Bonjour.
ALEX FORCES A SMILE AND SHAKES THE HAND OF IVORIAN #2.
IVORIAN #2
Bonjour, salut.
ALEX
What are yous? French?
IVORIAN 1
Ivory-coast.
ALEX
Oh, Ivorian, ok.
ALEX SHAKES THE HAND OF THE BLOND MAN.THE BLOND MAN BEGINS TO SPEAK. BEFORE THE CAN ALEX STARTS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND INTERRUPTS HIM.
ALEX
No, no, don't even bother. I'm not even bothered where you're from. Sweden probably or wherever but I'm not arsed. You can't understand me. I can't understand you. There's no point ruining a perfectly good meal with an awkward broken English conversation. Let's just leave it, yeah?
ALEX GOEST TO SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE. THE BLOND MAN BEGINS TO SPEAK AGAIN.
ALEX
Honestly, there's no point, mate. Absolutely no point.
ALEX SITS DOWN. HE IMMEDIATELY DISTRACTS HIMSELF WITH HIS IPHONE, SHAKING HIS HEAD WITH DISMISSIVENESS,
END SCENE
SCENE SIX
JOEL IS DRIVING THE CAR AND PARKING IT IN A NEARBY MULTI-STOREY CAR PARK. HE THEN BEGINS TO WANDER MANCHESTER CITY CENTRE. THE SCENE CUTS TO ALEX IN THE RESTAURANT. ALEX PUFFS HIS CHEECKS OUT IN BOREDEM. HE TAPS RHYTHYMS ON THE TABLE WHILE LOOKING AROUND THE RESTAURANT, COMPLETELY IGNORING HIS COMPANY, UNASHAMED OF HIS RUDENESS. THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO JOEL WANDERING THROUGH A BUSY CITY CENTRE. AMANDA CALLS OUT TO HIM
AMANDA
Joel? Joel!
JOEL
Amanda?
AMANDA
Hi, I thought it was you.
JOEL
How's it going? It's been a while.
AMANDA
Just a bit. Good, good, you, how are you?
JOEL
Yeah, yeah, sound. Everything's pretty decent. So, yeah, can't complain. You? What you doing?
AMANDA
Well, I'm kind of doing some freelancing, teaching and stuff, you know, I'm part of this acting group, we go into schools, do workshops, that sort of thing. I'm in some other stuff as well but it doesn't pay the bills, like.
JOEL
Changing the world one day at a time, hey? So do you live in Manchester now?
AMANDA
No, no, I just finished something before, in school. I live at home, with my mum and dad, 'cause I'm cool (LAUGHS). But hey? What about you? I heard you were in Asia or something? Living out there?
JOEL
Er, yeah, I was for a bit, you know, back and forth. Like, but, yeah, I'm back now. Hey, do you want to get a coffee or something? You free? You said you were finished?
AMANDA
Erm, yeah, I guess I could. I mean I was just gonna get the train like but...
JOEL
Hey, look, if you've got twenty minutes. I'm on a bit of a break so. Look there's a Costa right there. I mean I hate it, like, it's full of JK Rowling types but...
AMANDA
Yeah sure.
THEY WALK TOWARDS COSTA COFFEE.
END SCENE
SCENE SEVEN
ALEX IN THE RESTAURANT.
IVORIAN 2
Pourriez-vous passer à la bouteille?
ALEX
You what?
IVORIAN 1
He asked if you could pass the...
ALEX(PASSING THE BOTTLE)
What? That? Yeah, sound
ALEX PUFFS HIS CHEEKS OUT AGAIN AND ROLLS HIS EYES.
SCENE EIGHT
JOEL AND AMANDA ARE NOW SEATED IN THE COFFEE SHOP.
AMANDA
Yeah, she's a teacher, I still see her. Emma's a teacher too. I might go do it, be a teacher.
JOEL
Yeah, I know, I did English, so everyone's like 'you gonna be teacher', you know.
AMANDA
I saw Nick Hannah. He's a coconut shy man.
JOEL
Oh cool. He finally fulfilled his dream.
AMANDA
Oh remember Andrew Phemister?
JOEL
Yeah.
AMANDA
Remember he was always dead into photography and cameras and all that?
JOEL
Well, I remember he used to pretend to tie his shoes while taking photos up girls' skirts, but go on.
AMANDA
Yeah, I heard got a job got a job as a cameraman, you know, on that show, Mrs Brown's boys.
JOEL
Oh really, I applied for job to be an audience member on that show once. They didn't take me.
AMANDA (CONFUSED)
Really?
JOEL
No. It was a joke.
AMANDA
So what do you do then? You said you were on a break right?
JOEL (AMUSED)
You know, we've been talking like fifteen minutes and only now do you ask us what I do.
AMANDA (LAUGHING)
I'm sorry, it's not my fault. I guess I'm just a lot more interesting than you.
JOEL
Well, obviously.
AMANDA
No, so, go on, what do you do?
JOEL
Well, it's a bit of a weird one.
AMANDA
Yeah?
JOEL
I'm working as a kind of assistant to this guy.
AMANDA
So you're a PA?
JOEL
Well, yeah, I suppose I am. It's new. I'm new, it's sort of a new job. I'm on like a trial period.
AMANDA
So, who's the lucky guy then?
JOEL
You mean who gets to bossed me around all day?
AMANDA
Well, yeah.
JOEL
He's a footballer. Alex Brady.
AMANDA (GOBSMACKED)
Alex Brady? The actual Alex Brady?
JOEL
Yep.
AMANDA
You're bullshitting me.
JOEL
No, honestly not, no. Swear down.
AMANDA
How did you get that job then?
JOEL
Sheer charm and charisma and blow jobs.
AMANDA
Oh f**k off. So what's he like?
JOEL
Who? Brady?
AMANDA
Yeah.
JOEL
Seems fine, nice enough like. I've only just met him. But no, he's cool. I used to know him. I went to school with him when we were dead young.
AMANDA
Oh wow, really?
JOEL
Yeah.
AMANDA
How's it been?
JOEL
Fine, really. It's my first day though so...
.
CUT TO ALEX. HE IT SITTING AT THE SILENT TABLE ON HIS PHONE. HE POPS HIS HEAD UP TO SURVEY THE RESTAURANT AGAIN. HE SPOTS JURGEN KLINSMANN ENTERING THE RESTAURANT AND A LOOK OF SHEER FEAR COMES ACROSS HIS FACE. ALEX PANICKS, SWEATING AND SHAKING, HE LOOKS AT HIS DINING PARTNERS QUICKLY REMEMBERING THAT HE CAN'T TALK TO THEM. ALEX SCANS THE ROOM AND THEN MAKES A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM, HIDING IN A CUBICLE.
JOEL (PHONE RINGING)
Oh, speak of the devil. I thought he'd be longer. I might have to head off.
JOEL ANSWERS
JOEL
Hello?
ALEX (WHISPER SHOUTING)
Joel!? Joel!? Where are you lad?
JOEL
I'm just in town, getting a drink, I'm not far away. You done already?
ALEX
Scrap the original plan, lad. We've got ourselves in some serious shit here.
JOEL
What? What do you mean? What are you talking about?
ALEX
Listen, there's no time to explain. I'm still in the restaurant. I'm in the bathroom. Jurgen Klinsmann just made an entrance. I had a little bust up with him on twitter the other day. So, I ended up telling him I'd spark him out if I saw him and (PAUSE) I just need you to come now. I need you here pronto so we can bail and get the f**k out of dodge.
JOEL
So, I guess there was enough time to explain then. Look, calm down. I doubt Jurgen Klinsmann is really even that bothered.
ALEX
Are you messing? The man's a f**king animal. Did you not hear about those four Venezuelans he had done in?
JOEL
What about the other guests? Where are they?
ALEX
Oh, they're nothing. None of them even speak English. I doubt they even realize I've left.
JOEL
So you've just been sitting there in silence?
ALEX
Listen mate, we're in this together. If I'm gonna get f**ked, you can bet your sweet arse is going down as well.
JOEL
Well, what do you want me to do?
ALEX
I don't know? Call in and say you've planted a bomb or something. Yeah, that's a good idea. They'd have to evacuate the restaurant.
JOEL
I'm not calling in a bomb threat. Look I'll be down now. Gimme five minutes.
ALEX
Five minutes? I don't have five f**king minutes!
JOEL
I can't teleport, mate. Listen, I'll be down as fast as I can. I'm on the way now, alright?
ALEX
You best be here quick lad. We're in this together. Hey listen, could you do us a favour?
JOEL
Go on.
ALEX
Could you pick us up a twenty deck and a lighter?
JOEL
You don't smoke, do you?
ALEX
I'm stressed!
JOEL
Alright, alright, sound, I'll see you soon.
JOEL ENDS THE CALL AND GETS UP TO LEAVE.
JOEL
Look, I gotta get off. Hey, yeah, do you wanna do something back in Liverpool? When I get some free time. You're back at home now, no?
AMANDA
Yeah, yeah, back at home.
JOEL
Well, I'll call you or something, well I don't have your number. I'll facebook you. I'll sort something out. Ok, cool, cool, I gotta go.
AMANDA
Yeah, go, go, you don't wanna get fired on your first day.
JOEL LEAVES.
END SCENE
SCENE NINE
JOEL IS IN THE RESTAURANT. HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND KNOCKS ON THE CUBICLE.
JOEL
Alright Alex, I'm here.
ALEX
You were quick.
JOEL
Well, I try my best.
ALEX
Is he out there? Did you see him?
JOEL
Who?
ALEX
Klinsmann.
JOEL
Oh, no.
ALEX
Alright, you've got to do something for us, lad. We'll bail but you've got to do something for you, lad. Me wallet, I left me wallet on the table. Will you go get it for us?
JOEL
Alright, sound, ok, where were you sitting?
ALEX
To the left when you come in. You'll see them. You won't miss them. They're two massive Ivorians and some Swede sitting at a table for four people.
JOEL (ABOUT TO LEAVE)
Sound.
ALEX
Hey, you got the fags and the lighter?
JOEL
Oh yeah. (TOSSESS HIM THE STUFF)
JOEL GOES BACK INTO THE RESTAURANT AND SURVEY'S HIS SURROUNDINGS. HE SPOTS ALEX'S TABLE AND APPROACHES IT TO FIND THE THREE MEN LIGHT CONVERSATION, ALL SPEAKING ENGLISH. JOEL TALKS THE BLOND MAN, WHO IS IRISH.
JOEL
Alright? Is this Alex Brady's table?
BLOND IRISHMAN
Yeah, he was here before but he just left unexpectedly.
JOEL (CONFUSED)
Oh...yeah...something came up. I came to get his wallet.
IVORIAN #1
Oh, yes, he left it here. We put it under the napkin to keep it out of sight.
JOEL (VERY CONFUSED)
Ok, thanks.
JOEL PICKS UP THE WALLET AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY. HE TAKES ONE LAST CONFUSED LOOK AT THE TABLE BEFORE HE RETURNS TO THE BATHROOM. ALEX HAS FILLED A SINK WITH TOILET PAPER AND IS USING THE LIGHTER TO SET FIRE TO IT.
JOEL
What the f**k are you doing?
ALEX
It's a diversion. This will set the smoke alarms off and then the fire exits open automatically. Quick exit. You've got to hand it to me, lad, when I have a plan, I've got a plan.
JOEL
No, no, you can't do this.
THE FIRE ALARM SOUNDS.
ALEX
Alright, let's bounce.
ALEX LEAVES. JOEL RUSHES AFTER HIM. THEY GO THROUGH A FIRE ESCAPE AND FIND THEMSELVES IN AN ALLEY BEHIND THE RESTAURANT.
ALEX (RELIEVED, SLAPPING JOEL ON THE BACK)
Phew! Well, that was a close shave, ey?
JOEL
Yeah.
ALEX
Come head then soft lad, let's get out of this shit hole. Down that moat and gone. I wanna get back in time to watch that Phillip Olivier thing.
THEY WALK DOWN THE ALLEY WAY TO THE CAR.
END SCENE
SCENE TEN
JOEL IS WALKING UP ALEX'S DRIVE TO THE FRONT DOOR OF THE HOUSE. KIM COMES RUNNING OUT WITH A FOLDER IN HER HANDS.
KIM
Joel!
JOEL
Hi Kim.
KIM
I saw you coming down the drive, so I just thought I've got to get out of here and give this to you as soon as possible.
JOEL
Oh, cheers, his itinerary? Right?
KIM
Yeah, that's going to be something you'll have start sorting. How's the first couple days gone?
JOEL
Yeah, sound, sound, settling in, you know.
KIM
Yes. He's a handful, but our handful.
JOEL
I bet you've got some stories.
KIM
Oh God yeah, I could go on for hours.
JOEL
I'd love to hear some of them sometime or something.
KIM
Don't even try, Joel. You've got no chance.
JOEL
What?
KIM
Listen, I'll leave you with him. You stay away from those seats now.
KIM LAUGHS AND WALKS OFF.
JOEL (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Bitch.
JOEL ENTERS THE HOUSE. HE CALLS OUT WALKING THROUGH THE HALLWAY, THEN ENTERS THE KITCHEN. FRANK IS POINTING A BOW AND ARROW AT JOEL. ALEX IS STANDING THE OTHER SIDE OF THE KITCHEN LAUGHING.
JOEL (PUSHING BOW OUT OF FACE)
Frank! What are you doing?
FRANK
Calm down mate, it's only a joke.
JOEL
Not when you could kill me.
ALEX
Temperamental, isn't she?
JOEL
Where did you get an archery kit from?
ALEX
I bought it on the internet. I've always been into me archery, like.
FRANK (LAUGHING)
No you haven't. You've never liked it. You only bought it because we saw 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' the other day. You seen it Joel?
ALEX (TO FRANK)
Why say that, lad? Why say that?
JOEL
Well, that's a healthy inspiration.
ALEX
It's just one my hobbies. I've got a lot of hobbies, you know.
JOEL
Well, yeah, variety, spice of life, etc.
ALEX (RUNNING OFF)
That reminds me, I've got something for you.
JOEL
For me?
ALEX LEAVES.
FRANK (LOOKING SUSPICIOUS)
So, Al told me you knew each other? What's that about?
JOEL
Yeah, we went to school together.
FRANK
Really?
JOEL
Yeah.
FRANK
I don't remember you. Thought I knew all his mates.
JOEL
Well, we weren't like best mates or nothing like that but, you know, we knew each other. We got on you know.
FRANK
Well, I don't remember you.
JOEL
Well, I'd be surprised if you did. Does he still see his old gang? You know, Pacey and Bri and that?
FRANK
Oh, no, no, not anymore. You see lad, when you get famous, get a bit of money... you tend to lose your friends. People turn on you.
JOEL
Really? All of them?
FRANK
Well, yeah, you'll find it as well, if you ever got money and that. Your friends turn on you.
JOEL
Well, I'm sure, I like to think, nothing like that would change my relationships.
FRANK
Oh no, they would.
JOEL
Well...
FRANK(INTERRUPTING)
No, they would. Trust me. You get famous; you'll lose your mates. Honestly.
JOEL
Well, ok.
FRANK
So, Al told me about your university English. What are you gonna do with that? You wanna be a teacher or something?
JOEL
Well, no. (PAUSE) I was kind of hoping to get this job on a permanent basis, like.
ALEX RETURNS WITH A COPY OF GRAVITY'S RAINBOW.
ALEX
Look.
JOEL
Gravity's Rainbow? Is this for me?
ALEX
No, it's mine.
JOEL'S PHONE RINGS.
JOEL
Alright, I need to take this, sorry. (LEAVING ROOM)
JOEL(ANSWERING PHONE)
Hello.
AMANDA
Hi Joel. How's it going? We still on for tonight?
JOEL
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
AMANDA
Where are we going? Have you booked somewhere?
JOEL
Erm, no, no, I haven't.
AMANDA
Oh.
JOEL
Nah, it's sorted. It's sound. We can go to that Turkish place at the top of town. It's in a really dodgy location so it's never full but it's like the best restaurant in town. Well, one of them.
AMANDA
Oh, cool, yeah, I've heard of that place. Never been though.
JOEL
It's good. Trust me. About seven, do you reckon?
AMANDA
Yeah, that's good. I've got to sort...
ALEX SCREAMS IN PAIN FROM THE OTHER ROOM.
AMANDA
What was that? Did you need to go Joel?
JOEL
No, no, it's fine. It's just the T.V, honestly.
AMANDA
Oh, ok. You sure?
JOEL
Yeah, sure, it's fine. Go on.
ALEX (FROM THE OTHER ROOM)
Oh god!
JOEL
Actually, I think I do have to go. Something else has come up.
AMANDA
O...
JOEL (HANGS UP)
Bye.
AMANDA
K.
JOEL GOES BACK INTO THE ROOM. ALEX IS ON THE FLOOR WITH AN ARROW IN HIS THIGH. FRANK IS SPEECHLESS LOOKING SCARED AND SHOCKED.
END SCENE
SCENE ELEVEN
JOEL IS DRIVING THE CAR TO THE HOSPITAL. FRANK IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. ALEX IS STRETCHED OUT IN THE BACK.
ALEX
Hurry the f**k up college boy!
JOEL
I'm going as fast as I can.
ALEX
Argh, I'm losing consciousness. F**king hell Frank, of all the things, lad, of all the things.
FRANK
I'm sorry lad, it was accident. We should have called of the paraplegics.
JOEL
Paramedics.
ALEX
How f**king stupid can you be? This could be end of my f**king career! Oh god, I'm losing consciousness.
FRANK
You'll be fine lad. We'll be at the hospital in no time.
ALEX
What the f**k would you know? You can't even apply a plaster properly and now you think you're a f**king doctor?
FRANK
I'm sorry Al. You'll be sound lad. Your career will be fine. It's only a small wound, a scratch, you'll be alright.
ALEX
A scratch! A scratch! A f**king scratch! Me f**king legs hanging off and you're like (DOING FRANK'S VOICE) "oh don't worry lad, it's just a scratch, only a scratch". You can scratch my f**king arse mate 'cause I tell you what mate, you'll be the one wiping my arse for the rest of me life when I end up like that Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot. You f**king egg head. Oh God I'm losing consciousness.
JOEL
That guy had cerebral palsy.
ALEX
How the f**k am I gonna explain this to the club, to the fans. My own f**king uncle shot me with a f**king crossbow.
JOEL
Bow and arrow... or whatever, f**k it. Hey, look at it like this, it could have been a lot worse. I mean you could consider yourself lucky.
ALEX
Oh f**k off you seat sniffing bastard!
JOEL
I didn't sniff seats.
ALEX
Ahh, I'm losing consciousness.
JOEL
Are you sure?
ALEX
Yes I'm f**king sure! Hurry the f**k up!
THEY DRIVE ON. CUT TO AMANDA SITTING ALONE IN THE RESTAURANT. SHE LOOKS AROUND LOOKIN LONELY.
END SCENE
SCENE TWELVE
JOEL AND FRANK ARE CARRYING ALEX BACK INTO THE HOUSE AFTER THE HOSPITAL. THEY SIT HIM DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM.
ALEX
Argh! Careful now. It f**king wrecks.
FRANK
You alright now then Al?
ALEX
Oh yeah, top of the f**king world.
FRANK
Do you want some camomile?
ALEX
Yeah, I would.
FRANK LEAVES.
JOEL
See, wasn't too bad was it?
ALEX
Mmmm.
JOEL
Doctor said couple months you'll be sound so...you worried about telling the club?
ALEX
Nah, I'm always f**king injured anyway, doubt they'll miss me.
JOEL
You gonna miss any big games?
ALEX
Dunno, I don't really follow the fixtures. The gaffer just tells us on the day.
JOEL
Oh.
ALEX
Hey, Joel?
JOEL
Yeah?
ALEX
I'm sorry for losing me rag in the car before. It was just a bit distressing, you know.
JOEL
No, no, don't apologize, I understand, I'd have been the same, honestly.
ALEX
Cool, cool. You're an empathetic man Joel.
JOEL
Thanks.
ALEX
Now, Joel, I'm gonna need you to do something for us.
JOEL
Yeah, sound, anything.
ALEX
Will you go get Marysa for us?
JOEL
What?
ALEX
I'm stressed. I need to relax.
JOEL
I don't even know where to find her and what if someone sees me.
ALEX
Who's gonna see you? It's dead late. It's pitch black outside. Listen, just go the same spot we saw her the other day, that's her spot. You'll see her. She's hard to miss, like.
JOEL (SIGHING)
Alright, alright.
ALEX
Can you go now like? I'm very stressed.
JOEL (GETS UP TO LEAVE)
Ok. Ok. Ok.
ALEX
Hey Joel.
JOEL
Yep?
ALEX
Don't you go f**king her now.
JOEL
You have my word.
JOEL LEAVES
END SCENE
SCENE THIRTEEN
JOEL IS DRIVING THE CAR AND PULLS UP AT THE SPOT HE WAS WITH ALEX EARLIER IN THE EPISODE. THE AREA IS DARK AND DESSERTED. HE WAITS PAITENTLY. MARYSA APPEARS OUT OF THE DARKNESS.
MARYSA
Look who it is
JOEL
Hi Marysa.
MARYSA
I heard about you, heard about your seat sniffing.
JOEL
Oh God and you think you've got a reputation.
MARYSA
Is my reputation that big hey?
JOEL
It's not for me. It's for Alex.
MARYSA
He's sends you to do his dirty laundry then?
JOEL
Yes. Literally and metaphorically.
MARYSA (GETS IN THE CAR)
Where's my special boy then?
JOEL
At home. He's had a bit of an accident.
MARYSA
Eww, he hasn't shit himself has he? I told him, I'm not doing that again.
JOEL
No, no, nothing like that.
MARYSA
Well, what the...
TWO POLICE MEN APPEAR FROM NOWHERE
POLICEMAN #1
Marysa! Fancy seeing you here again.
MARYSA
Argh hey, not this again. We were just talking.
POLICEMAN #1
Talking hey, you always seem to find good conversation in this part of town, don't you Marysa?
MARYSA
Oh piss off, It's me job.
POLICEMAN #1
What's his name?
MARYSA
Joel.
JOEL
No, no, no, I'm not involved. I'm not involved. I was just...asking for directions.
POLICEMAN #1
I've heard Marysa gives the best directions this side of the river.
MARYSA
Oh piss off.
POLICEMAN #1
This your car then?
JOEL
Erm, no, I mean yeah. I think it is.
POLICEMAN #2
You think it is?
JOEL
It is. It is.
POLICEMAN #1
It is yours then?
JOEL
Yes.
POLICEMAN #1
You have your insurance documents then?
JOEL
Erm...
POLICEMAN #1
I'll take that as a no then.
MARYSA
Oh piss off will you, I'm trying to earn a living.
JOEL
No, no, I wasn't doing anything. It's not what it looks like.
AS JOEL IS SPEAKING AMANDA WALKS DOWN THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STREET. JOEL REALIZES THE FORGOTTEN DATE. JOEL AND AMANDA MAKE EYE CONTACT. AMANDA LOOKS SHOCKED AND CONFUSED.
JOEL(LOUDER)
No, it's not what it looks like honestly.
MARYSA
Will you two piss off? I need to earn a living. I've got kids to feed for f**k's sake. The man just wants a bit of crumpet.
AMANDA LOOKS CONFUSED AND EMBARRASSED AND WALKS ON.
JOEL
It's not what it looks like! It's not what it looks like!
JOEL SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HANDS IN HIS HEAD.
END SCENE
SCENE FOURTEEN
JOEL AND FRANK GET OUT THE CAR IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE. THEY STROLL BACK TO THE DOOR. JOEL LOOKS DEPLETED. THEY GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM WHERE ALEX IS
FRANK
Come 'head then, soft lad.
ALEX
Heard you've had one bitch of a night. (LAUGHS)
JOEL
That's putting it mildly.
ALEX
What were you thinking? You should've just told them you were working for me.
JOEL
I didn't know. It's not like I'm familiar with the protocol of bribing the police.
ALEX
Well, why were you keeping it a secret?
JOEL
Look, you act like I've been doing this my whole life. I don't know these things. Listen, I didn't wanna say nothing. I didn't know they knew what you got up to and were sound with it. And I don't know what to say in that situation. I didn't wanna mention your name 'cause you'd be in trouble, you'd be f**ked then mate.
ALEX
You what?
JOEL
Well, I'm saying I didn't know what goes on. I would have thought that would be the kind of thing that journalists have a wet dream over.
ALEX
You were diving on the proverbial grenade for us?
JOEL
Well, your public image at least.
ALEX
Mate, you're a f**king sound boy you, aren't you?
JOEL
Huh?
ALEX
The boys working his second day in a job and doesn't even grass when he's facing the nick.
JOEL
So?
ALEX
Well, I'm impressed mate. You must've been shitting yourself, can't imagine you've had many run-ins with the busys, lad like yourself, and didn't even grass.
JOEL
Well...
ALEX
Well, the job's there for you, if you wanna grasp it.
JOEL
I'm not so sure.
ALEX
Ten grand more. A year.
JOEL
Done.
END SCENE
SCENE FIFTEEN
JOEL IS DRIVING ALEX ON THE MOTORWAY. ALEX IN IS THE BACK, STARING PENSIVELY OUT THE WINDOW. JOEL IS LOOKING FED UP.
ALEX
Do you know the capital of Bolivia?
JOEL
Erm, don't know.
ALEX
Trick question. It's got two.
JOEL
Oh, awesome.
ALEX
Do you know the capital of the Marshall Islands?
JOEL
The Marshall Islands? Never heard of them.
ALEX
Nah? I have.
JOEL (HOLDING BACK HIS FRUSTRATION)
Good for you, mate.
END SCENE
