The dangers of criticism

Adrian the Advice Man SITS IN A BUSY TOWN SQUARE ON A CARDBOARD BOX, HE WEARS A TOP HAT, A MONOCLE AND AND A CANDY COLORED 3 PIECE SUIT. ALL OF WHICH LOOK FAINTLY LIKE THEY MAY BE LICE INFESTED AND SMELL SLIGHTLY. AS DOES Adrian HIMSELF THROUGHOUT THIS SKIT HE SIPS FROM A PIMP GOBLET.

Sootyj WALKS PAST CARRYING HIS SHOPPING AND STOPS AND WATCHES

A MAN WALKS UP TO ADRIAN

MAN
Adrian what can I do? I saw the Dr and he said I'd need an operation. But I'm scared of Drs and hospitals smell funny and...

ADRIAN
Tish and Pop
That Drs been on the pop
My good man you don't need a stitch
F**k that medical son of a bitch.

MAN
Thanks Adrian, I feel so much better.

SOOTYJ
But he's clearly had his arm ripped off by a bear, that's terrible advice!

MAN TURNS AROUND SHOWING HIS LEFT ARM HAS INDEED BEEN RIPPED OFF AND IS SPURTING BLOOD

MAN
Don't be a kill joy you bum trampoline.

Adrian TOPS HIS GOBLET UP WITH A MIXTURE OF BENELYN AND ASDA CIDER

ADRIAN
Oh Sootyj, Sootyj
Positive advice is the way.
Being critical like you
Is totally gay!

MAN HANDS ADRIAN £20

MAN
Ha! What he said, you eurrrgggh

MAN DIES OF BLOOD LOSS.

WOMAN GOES UPTO Adrian

WOMAN
Oh Adrian the advice man, my friends say I should leave my Dereck. All because he's a cannibal serial killer and he stuck me in the microwave last night.

ADRIAN
Oh mrs lady dear
There's nothing to fear
Just like Karen Carpenter
He wants to be close to you!
By eating you and having a poo.

WOMAN
Oh we'll be together for ever.

SOOTYJ
Are you mad? He's going to kill you he's just bought an enormous cooking pot.

WOMAN'S HUSBAND TURNS UP ROLLING AN ENORMOUS COOKING POT, AND CARRYING A BAG OF SHWARZ Wife seasonings.

WOMAN
Piss off and stop judging me.

ADRIAN
Oh Sootyj go away, away, away
Negative advice has had it's day
People want to feel fantabulistic

WOMAN'S HUSBAND
Even when their husbands cannibalistic!

WOMAN HOPS INTO POT AND HUSBAND PROCCEDES TO ROLL HER BACK

Adrian TRIUMPHANTLY GULPS FROM HIS GOBLET, BEFORE PICKING UP A GERBIL AND SQUEEZING IT IN HIS FIST SO IT'S GUTS SQUEEZE OUT OF IT'S ARSE INTO THE GOBLET, Adrian TOPS THE GOBLET UP WITH BLUE NUN AND SIPS FROM IT

SOOTYJ
Actually Adrian the Advice Man you know you're write could you read my script?

ADRIAN
Atlast atlast he see's the light
the illiterate semitic shite
I'll read your wit for a bit
then praise and say I'm into it.

Sootyj HANDS Adrian A MANGLED ILLEGIBLE SCRIPT

Adrian READS THIS AWFUL DRIVEL, ALL THE HUMOR DRAINING FROM HIS FACE TILL HE RESEMBLES A PALLID CHEESE.

SOOTYJ
So Adrian how funny is it?

ADRIAN
I thought I was the great deceiver
But you made me a school leaver
This script is so lacking in wit
If I was epileptic I'd pitch a fit!

SOOTYJ
Ha!

THE CROWD OF SHOPPERS TURN AND POINT THEIR FINGERS AT Adrian ala THAT BIT IN THE 1970S VERSION OF INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.

CROWD
Critical!

ADRIAN
Oh you evil devious f**king tard
You've hoisted me by my own petards
You've made me something cruel

SOOTYJ
And now the crowds going to kill you.

CROWD DESCEND ON Adrian AND TEAR HIM TO SHREDS.

Who wants to start

Be my guest

Soots is dead right, of course.

The reason you see those caterwauling bints on the X-factor auditions getting all shitty with Cowell and co. for having the nerve to tell them they are shite, is because they've all been bought up with the "Be anything you want to be ... Living the Dream...You're beautiful just the way you are" old codswallop.
The fact of the matter is a lot of people just can't do it.
I wince at some of the positivie comments doled out to very poor work on here - but step in with the cruel truth and you make enemies fast.

The sketch itself is silly and funny.
Why the panto style rhyming couplets?
Who knows?

Quote: Lazzard @ July 19 2013, 4:03 PM BST

I wince at some of the positivie comments doled out to very poor work on here - but step in with the cruel truth and you make enemies fast.

View original

I understand the point you are making but personally do not feel qualified to offer much detailed criticism and so limit myself to (mainly polite)comments on the posts I quite like.

When I have been around longer I might feel more able to voice stronger opinions on the critique and showcase forums - both of which are fantastic resources, particularly for the newbie.

playfull

I like to take my dog erol out for a walk occaisonally

Thanks for the feedback

Quote: playfull @ July 19 2013, 4:14 PM BST

I understand the point you are making but personally do not feel qualified to offer much detailed criticism and so limit myself to (mainly polite)comments on the posts I quite like.

When I have been around longer I might feel more able to voice stronger opinions on the critique and showcase forums - both of which are fantastic resources, particularly for the newbie.

playfull

View original

That's precisely why you're opinion is valuable

Its your gut feeling about why something works that's so valuable

Even an I dunno I didn't get it is helpful

ok, I dunno I didn't get it...

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ July 19 2013, 4:17 PM BST

I think it's great.

View original

Absolutely. Best thing he's done. Couldn't fault it.

Quote: playfull @ July 19 2013, 4:19 PM BST

ok, I dunno I didn't get it...

View original

Ko

Ture I enjoyed writing it, its probably too knowingly weird and the dialogue is to perfunctory

On second thoughts, it was possibly too knowingly weird and the dialogue was too perfunctory.

I need some light relief - I'm sitting here doing my tax return.

It made me laugh, Sooty.

Lazzard is right, with increased social mobility, we have a myth that anyone can be anything if they try hard enough.

However, I am firm believer that you can be honest AND be kind. Simon Cowell et al do not achieve this.

Quote: stonked @ July 19 2013, 4:26 PM BST

I need some light relief - I'm sitting here doing my tax return.

View original

Feel your pain - doing mine this weekend

I should do mine, my earnings are so odd its kinda fun seeing if I get a return

Thanks for feedback all

Analysing what makes something tick - or not, as the case may be - can in itself be a very rewarding exercise, and a very effective learning tool. So there are benefits to be had all round.

I wish I'd had access to a forum like this when I was posting off sketches to Hale and Pace.

Then again ...

Thud!

Did someone just drop a name?

I liked this, Sooty. I fear, though, that people will still continue defending their scripts like their own children.