PAWEEEEEEEEEEASE!
We are begging. Many parts of this epy are sketches I have already put up. I have had lots of help from David Chapman who has come into this project with me.
We are begging for honest crit. If it shit say it is shit. No point beating about the bush. (Unless it is mine). It is based on my family & there is still work to do. Change the names & Title for a start and the format. We just don't want to waste anymore time on it if it is poo.
Also if it is reasonably ok and anyone out there has more ideas to add & fancies joining us then great.
Thanks in advance to everyone/anyone who takes the time to read this entire episode. We am more than happy to offer the favour in return.
Like i say excuse the format, gramma, etc. It is just a rough draft.
Ha ignore the sad faces to. lol. F**k knows how they got there.
Thanks.
Charley & Dave.
CHARACTERS
CHARLEY 36
GAVIN (CHARLEY’S HUSBAND) 35
KYLE 21 (CHARLEYS SON)
JACK 18 (CHARLEYS SON)
LUKE (CHARLEY’S BROTHER) 31
ANDREW (LUKE’S TWIN) 31
APRYL (CHARLEY’S SISTER 15
KIM (ANDREWS GIRLFRIEND)
MARY (CHARLEYS NAN, HER FATHERS SIDE)
WILLIAM (CHARLEYS GRANDAD, HER FATHERS SIDE)
BRENDA (CHARLEY’S MUM)
PETE (CHARLEY’S DAD)
INT
CHARLEY & GAVIN ARE PACKING THE DISHES AWAY IN THE KITCHEN
CHARLEY: Before we go off to my parents, we should pop & see Eric & Wendy’s new baby.
GAVIN: I don’t want to go & see the baby. It will give you ideas.
CHARLEY: No it wont. I don’t want another smelly baby.
GAVIN: It will. You will see it & start getting all flaffy over it. It will be all cute in one of those soft lenor smelling babygrows.The next thing I know, you will be throwing out your contraceptive pill without my knowledge & getting yourself all foetused up, with no thought to consult me.
CHARLEY: Listen you twat. I don’t want a baby & how dare you invent things to happen in the future & have a go at me before they even have. I would never do that.
GAVIN: What about those boots then?
CHARLEY: Boots?
GAVIN: Yes see, you have forgotten your own lie already. Those boots that we saw for £140. The ones you wanted more than life itself. The ones I told you we couldn’t afford. We walked out of that shop without those boots. Yet mysteriously 3 days later, I found a receipt in your purse for a pair of £140 boots.
CHARLEY: Oh those boots. Well I told you I dropped my purse on the floor in that shop & I must have picked up someone else’s receipt whilst retrieving my stuff.
GAVIN: Yes! Then what happened huh? 2 days after the receipt episode your best friend apparently decided to give you a brand shiny new, pair of £140 boots unworn & an identical twin to the pair you wanted. They were even your exact size.
JACK WALKS INTO THE ROOM .
CHARLEY: (Holds up her hand) Rowing here.(Jack shrugs & leaves the room)
Right, so just because it happened to be a happy coincidence with massive benefit to me, then it can’t be true.
GAVIN: I said no to the boots, you chose to ignore me. I am not having the same thing happen with a baby. You women think us men were born yesterday. We know all your little scams.
CHARLEY: Ok then arsehole. How about your mugging episode?
GAVIN: What mugging episode?
KYLE WALKS INTO THE ROOM. CHARLEY STARES AT HIM & HE SHRUGS & LEAVES
CHARLEY: See you have forgotten your lie already. The time you went to the gym & apparently got whacked over the head in the changing room. Recall how that mugger got away with the £50, which was for a gift you were supposed to buy for my mother.
THE DOG WALKS INTO THE ROOM, LOOKS UP AT THEM. CHARLEY CLOSES HER FIST TOWARDS THE DOG, IT WHINES THEN LEAVES.
CHARLEY CONT: Then due to that un-noticeable bump on your head, from said mugger,you lost your memory for an entire evening. You eventually came home at 3am in the morning blind drunk. Hmmmmm I have a very clear memory of how you managed to get yourself pissed with no money.
GAVIN: Its true. Luckily I bumped into an old friend who brought me drinks all night & filled in all the gaps in my memory. So just because it happened to be a happy coincidence with massive benefit to me then it can’t be true.
CHARLEY: You men think us women were born yesterday. We know all your little scams.
I know you, you will see that baby all sweet & small its little fingers curling around yours & the next thing i know you will replace my contraceptive with asprin. I will be all foetused up without any thought to consult me.
GAVIN: So do we have to go & see this baby or what?
CHARLEY: Nah! Too risky. I will tell them we are running late.
CUT TO
Charley’s family are loading up the car. Charley calls her Mum.////SHOW SPLIT SCREEN
CHARLEY: Hi mum, we're just about to leave now.
BRENDA: You should've left hours ago.
CHARLEY: Well sorry Mother. Sorry for sleeping & eating breakfast.
BRENDA:. Drive at top speed, mind the cameras & don’t crash
CHARLEY: OK Mum - we'll be there as soon as we can.
GAVIN: There's no rush is there?
CHARLEY: Look - I know you're looking forward to this about as much as digging out your eyeballs with a rusty spoon, but it's not everyday my dad is 60. Mum just wants us to drive at top speed.
GAVIN: Top speed in Norfolk? How fast can a tractor go?
CUT TO CHARLEY & FAMILY IN THE CAR
JACK: I hate Norfolk. I want to stay home.
CHARLEY: Look you can go one weekend without seeing your girlfriend.
KYLE: It’s not the seeing her he is bothered about
.
GAVIN: Well those bed springs could use a break Jacko.
JACK: But Norfolk is boring and flat.
KYLE: So is your girlfriend & you go there. Several times a day.
Charley's Moby rings////SPLIT SCREEN
CHARLEY: Hi mum.
BRENDA: I need some milk. Can you get me some on the way, thanks, bye.
GAVIN: What's that?
CHARLEY: Mum wants some milk.
GAVIN: It's the bloody country side. Don't they have cows containing milk up there?!
Charley imagines her mother dressed in a disgustingly tight white with black splodged suit and horns with a bell round her neck, she is wearing a cape with the letters SC (Super cow) on the front)
GAVIN: Shortly joined by you. (Cackles) Huge udders on that mum of yours. You certainly don’t take after her
KYLE: God sake! Thats my Nanny’s breasts you two are talking about!
JACK: Shutup about wrinkly tits. I am trying to eat my chicken wrap here. Urgggggggh!
KYLE: Does that come with Mayo?
(10 MINUTES LATER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN)
Charleys mobile rings.
BRENDA: Did you get my milk yet Char?
CHARLEY: No Mother we are hurtling at top speed down the M25 at the moment
BRENDA: I really need that milk
CHARLEY : Well it is not going to get there any quicker than me is it? Unless I can find SuperCow. (The image of her mother dressed as Super cow emerges again)
20 minutes later appears on the screen
Charleys mobile rings again
BRENDA: “How long are you going to be, the dinner is nearly ready?
CHARLEY: About 2 hours Mother
BRENDA: Oh for fooks sake!! The chicken will be shrivelled & the veg will be cold.
CHARLEY: She's talking about you Gav..She is saying you are shrivelled & cold.
BRENDA: If you had left at 5am you would have been here by now. I am putting your father on.
PETER COMES ON THE PHONE
PETER: This is your Dad here. Your mum is very upset. She wanted you here already. Why are you kids so self indulged. It’s all me, me, me with you lot. I am gasping for a cup of tea. Did you get that milk yet?”
CHARLEY: I am on the M11 Dad
PETER: Yes well that just shows how selfish you are. Make a detour to a happy chef or something.
CHARLEY: That would make us even later.
PETER (Mumbles) : Yes - well.....Just hurry up, tell Gavin to put his foot down,we need that milk. (hangs up)
CHARLEY: (To Gavin) Dad say’s to put your foot down.
GAVIN: Right then. No more spending money we haven’t got.
CUT TO
The car pulling up at a remote petrol station with just one pump.
As they pull in a grubby man in a ridiculous woolly hat,removes the nozzle.
CHARLEY
To Gavin) I wonder if Nana knitted his hat.(To the attendant) Sorry - we only want some milk.
Attendant looks puzzled at the nozzle.
ATTENDANT: This does petrol this does.
CHARLEY: Don’t you do milk then?
ATTENDANT : Aaar. Not in my nipples dear. I is a man I is. May be some in my fridge though.
CHARLEY: Can I have 2 litres then?
ATTENDANT: Of petrol?
CHARLEY: No - milk.
ATTENDANT: This here is a petrol station. We shouldn’t really be doing luxuries like milk ere
CHARLEY: Can I please buy some milk?
ATTENDANT: Only if you buy some petrol.
GAVIN: What's the problem Char?
CHARLEY: He said we have to buy some petrol.
GAVIN: But I filled up before we set out.
CHARLEY: Well you must have used some. We have drove 170 miles.
Gavin looks at the attendant who is looking gap toothed smile waiting with the nozzle expectantly.His eyes are gaping down Charley’s cleavage.
GAVIN: Go on then. Stick a tenners worth in.
ATTENDANT: What down that small cleavage. Is worth a foo pence is that.
CHARLEY: (Pumps her breasts out) And two litres of milk please.
ATTENDANT (coming back with a grubby 2 litre bottle) : Fifteen pounds please.
GAVIN: Fifteen quid???
ATTENDANT (Holding the milk back) : Do you want the milk or not?
Charley imagines an Angry supercow bearing down on her.
CHARLEY (Reluctantly) : Fine! (Snatches the milk) (Shouts out of the window as they leave the garage)You look like a serial killer by the way. (To the boys in the back) See, that’s what you could have turned into if I had’nt given you a firm hand.
KYLE: A garage attendant?
CHARLEY: No. A serial killer.
3 MINUTES LATER APPEARS ON SCREEN
CHARLEYS MOBILE GOES OFF.
BRENDA: Did you get that milk yet?
CHARLEY: Yes Mother but they only have full fat.
SILENCE followed by
BRENDA: We don’t do full fat, your father will cry if I serve him tea with that. He will gag, choke & possibly die. Do you want that on your conscience?
CHARLEY : It is all the garage had Mother - well plus petrol of course. And that doesn't go well with tea.
BRENDA: Yes well if you had left at 5am like we told you too, you would have probably got to that garage before they ran out of semi skimmed.
CHARLEY: If you had brought more milk to begin with Mother you would have had it already.
BRENDA: That’s it blame me. (Shouts to Peter) Peter, Charlene is shouting abuse at me & she has only gone & picked up full fat milk.
Peter in the background moaning. He then comes to the phone.
PETER: Charlene how dare you talk to your Mother like that! Only I am allowed to belittle & upset her. Anyway what’s all this about full fat milk. That contains diseases you know.
CHARLEY: Well it doesn’t seem to affect the cow.
PETER: Well your mother is immune to everything” Charley imagines super cow again)
CHARLEY: She is super cow!
PETER: Yes well, she has been like that since the menopause. (Deep elongated OTT sigh). Just hurry up & get here.
CUT TO
The family arrive at her parent’s street, they pull over & sit in the car
CHARLEY: Well - are we going in?
GAVIN : Can I just enjoy this last five minutes?
Gavin lights up a cigarette
CHARLEY:Jack do you have any of those special ciggies that you are not allowed to have, on you.
JACK: What those (Mimicking his mums voice) evil ciggies that will stunt my brain growth, make me paranoid & turn me into a rapist & a killer of all things fluffy . Those ciggies
CHARLEY: Yes. Give me one NOW!
JACK HANDS CHARLEY A SPECIAL CIGGIE. SHE LIGHTS IT UP.
CHARLEY: Right. I am prepared to turn a blind eye this once. However, should I ever ask my own son again if he has any weed & he should hand some to his own mother. (Shouts) I will stab him in his sleep. Just like Abraham did to his son.
KYLE: Wasn’t that an attempted sacrifice to prove his love to God.
CHARLEY: No. It was because he caught his son smoking weed.
JACK: So am I allowed some.
CHARLEY: No you are not. Weed is really bad for you. (Taking big drags) Did I tell you that it can cause your heart to pump 80 times faster & make it burst. (Takes a big drag). Then when the heart bursts you are still alive & squirming in absolute pain on the floor. (Takes a drag) It takes about 64 hours to die.
KYLE: Mum your scare tactics don’t work anymore. We are adults now. We know there is no sucker man down the plug hole.
JACK: Yea! We have learned that monsters do not live under our beds between 7pm & 7am & will gobble us up if we move.
KYLE: And that not telling you where we are, will cause a severe allergic reaction to your thyroid, which will spread across the world & kill us all in 30 minutes.
CHARLEY: Bet you still believe that you upset half your friends though eh. The truth is they stopped playing with you cause I threatened to burn their houses down.
KYLE: Why would you do that?
CHARLEY: Those friends were bad news. They were going to grow up & be wrong uns.
KYLE: Alex is training to be a doctor.
CHARLEY: 2 words! Harold Shipman.
PAUSE
CHARLEY GOES OFF INTO A DREAM - CALM AND RELAXED
GAVIN: Right - come on you old tart. Sooner we get there the sooner it'll all be over.
CHARLEY: Right - off we go then. Remember boys Grandad won’t ever turn 60 again. Ever.
They walk into Charley’s parent’s bungalow, mum lunges for the milk they needed so desperately, opens the fridge & slides the 2 pints next to the big full 6 pints of semi-skimmed.
PETER: About bloody time. I thought you had been pulled over by the police& ticketed for crawling. (Peter does an impression of driving a car in slow motion)
Around the table are seated Charley's mum, gran, grandad and younger sister and twin brothers. Charley, her husband Gavin and their two sons Kyle and Jack squeeze into their seats which are crammed uncomfortably together around the table.
MARY: We thought you must have crashed & died. I even started knitting a wreath. (Pulls out a needle with a few red rows of knitting on it)
WILLIAM: Yes Charley. Your Dad & I were discussing prices of burial these days. A family of four would have set him back around 10 grand or more.
LUKE: You want to see the size of this chicken Char. It is massive.
ANDREW: Feed the world so it would.
BRENDA BRINGS OUT A SMALL CHICKEN & PLACES IT ON THE TABLE
ANDREW: Look at it. There will be oodles left. It only has to feed 12.
KIM: Could I have a leg please. Big legs on that bird.
ANDREW: It’s a Kim Bird.
Just to stretch Charley lifts her arms.
MARY: For WHAT we are about to receive…
CHARLEY(Under her breath)All one mouthful
MARY CONT: May the Lord make us truly grateful.
KYLE (Whispers to Charley) : Why does she always say that? She's not religious.
CHARLEY: She does it to annoy.
MARY: I believe in God today young man. If I want to be religious today I fooking well will.
KYLE: Amen
BRENDA: Dinner is probably burned, frizzled, crisped. In fact dinner is most likely shit. We all know whose fault it is too.
They all glare daggers at Charley.
APRYL: Do you like the Gothic handbag you brought me. Oh by the way you owe mum £20 for it.
CHARLEY (Puzzled) I brought you that? Why?
APRYL For my birthday.
CHARLEY: But that's three months away.
APRYL: It was in the sale. You couldn't miss a bargain like that. I saved you a tenner. You should be grateful.
CHARLEY (taking a twenty out of her purse) : Here! By the way Mum you owe me £5 for that milk.
BRENDA: Do you hear that Peter. Our own daughter is trying to mug us of £4.46.
MARY: I told you as soon as I saw Charley in that little pink baby grow that she would grow up into a whore & a thief. You never listened though.
BRENDA STARTS THROWING DINNER PLATES ON THE TABLE.
CHARLEY: Are you not sitting up here with us Dad?
PETER: No. I don’t like elbows.
CHARLEY: You're so rude!
PETER: I will tell you what is rude. Rude is taking 3 f**king hours to get here.
CHARLEY: It takes you 3 hours to drive 170 miles too Dad!
PETER (Mouth full) : Yes but I leave early. I don’t hold everyone up & ruin dinner.
CHARLEY (Looks at her watch) It is only 1.36pm. We never eat dinner at this time normally.
PETER (Looks for a space, then slams his fist onto the coffee table. Making his collection of 8 mobile phones rattle) Well it’s my 60th god damn it.
CHARLEY:That's tomorrow though.
PETER: You selfish little….
MARY: Bitch!
Andrew passes a tenner to Luke.
ANDREW: You were right. She called Charley a name first. I thought it would be mum.
LUKE: Lets see who gets the lecture off dad first though. A tenner says it will be me.
BRENDA
(To Jack)Jack do you want roasted parsnips?
JACK: No thanks Nan.
BRENDA: Why not?
JACK: I don’t like them Nan.
BRENDA: Have you tried them?
JACK: No.
BRENDA: Then how do you know?
JACK: They just look disgusting.
BRENDA: So did your Grandad when I first met him. I still tried him out before I made a decision though. I am going to put a parsnip on your plate & you can just eat it. It might just taste for you like Grandad did for me.
JACK (To Charley) : Ewwwwwww! That is going on your plate mum.
MARY: Do you remember those ugly glasses you used to wear Brenda. When my Pete first brought you home I thought you were the most hideous thing ever.
WILLIAM: She had a lovely pair of legs though.
MARY: Pervert! Ogling your son’s girlfriends legs. Go to your room.
WILLIAM: You want me to drive all the way back to High Wycombe?
MARY: No go to Peter’s room & stay there until I tell you to come out.
WILLIAM SULKS OFF
PETER:I will put Dad’s dinner in the microwave then.
They all sit down to eat. . Mary is making loud OTT yummy sounds. Just to wind up William.
MARY: Brenda! Jack wants 2 parsnips.
JACK: Granana I never said that.
MARY: Sooooo! (Sarcastic grin)
JACK PASSES BOTH HIS PARSNIPS TO HIS MUM. MARY WATCHES & PASSES HERS TO JACKS.
BRENDA (To Kyle) : Your dinner is not too hot is it?
KYLE: No Nan.
BRENDA: Too cold?
ANDREW: Mine is too lumpy
LUKE: I can’t see any chicken?
KYLE: Its Perfect Nanny Bear.
CHARLEY: (Trying to be funny) Well mine is burnt.
A FORK COMES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. IT JUST MISSES CHARLEY & HITS GAVIN ON THE HEAD. GAVIN SIGHS & RUBS HIS HEAD. HE LOOKS AT HIS DINNER PLATE TO SEE 5 PARSNIPS ON IT.
BRENDA (To Kyle). Why haven’t you eaten your Yorkshire pudding. It is home made you know?
KYLE: I just haven’t got around to it yet.
JACK: Can't be Yorkshire pudding then if it's home made. It must be Norfolk pudding.
ANDREW: Technically it's not a pudding because it's got gravy on instead of custard.
Peter goes out to the kitchen and gets a jug of custard to pour on Andrew's dinner.
BRENDA: Don't you dare. That's all the custard I've made. I can't waste any more milk on it.
PETER: How is your chicken everyone. I killed it myself. It said (Dying chicken expression) Chllllllllllllllurrrrrrrk before it expired.
THEY ALL (BUT GAVIN & MARY) PUSH THERE SCRAGGLY BITS OF CHICKEN TO THE SIDE OF THEIR PLATES.
MARY: Don't you want that chicken then? I'll have it.
MARY SCRAPES ALL THE CHICKEN ONTO HER PLATE. EVEN GAVINS.
CUT TO DINNER HAS FINISHED.
ANDREW: Can granddad be released yet Nana.
MARY: Nope. I tell you what though. You can go & talk to him if you want. Go and ask him about his time in the concentration camp. He will; try & say he doesn’t want to talk about it but he doesn’t really mean it. Talk to him through the door though.
ANDREW: Not after the last time you told me to do that Nana.
CUT TO A MEMORY SCENE. A YOUNG ANDREW & LUKE ARE COMFORTING A DISTRAUGHT GRANDAD. MARY HAS A SATISFIED SMILE ON HER FACE.
CUT BACK
Peter puts price drop TV on.
PETER: I have got some great deals on this.
BRENDA: Spends a fortune on bollox.
BRENDA: I work full time woman. You are just a part time lazy bitch
MARY: I told you she would be a filthy lazy cow Pete. You never listened though.(Charley sees Supercow slouching on a couch with a fag and dirty marks all over over her costume)
Brenda pulls faces behind Mary's back and mimes as if she's strangling her.Mary looks round and Brenda smiles sweetly.
The two presenters are looking uncomfortable as they try to act excited about a milk frother.
PETER (To Brenda) : Do we have a frother Brenda
BRENDA: Nope & we don’t want one either.
PETER : Yes we do. It will be great to use up all that (Looking at Charley) bloody FULL FAT MILK.
MARY: Buy it if you want it Pete. You’re the earner here! (Scowls at Brenda) Fook her.
BRENDA: What will you do with it?
PETER: No idea. There'll be instructions though.
Peter watches the demonstration on TV with great interest.
PETER:It doesn’t need much wrist action though Brenda. (Tries to show us a ‘how to froth’ action that looks remarkably like a wank) (Shouts at the TV, shaking his fist). Drop the price you greedy bastards. (To Charley) See it is 14.99 at the moment, but it will go down to about £5.00. Look watch it. I am going to get my credit card.
(The Frother goes for £5.49 plus £1.50 for the call & another £8.99 P&P.
ANDREW: They are only 2.99 in Tesco.
PETER: Here look at these earings I got your mother for our anniversary last week.
Peter hands around a pair of earings on a slice of cardboard. The £2.50 price tag is above the half price sale sticker.
CHARLEY: (Sarcastic) Valu bubble!
BRENDA: I am scared of wearing them, in case I should lose them.
MARY: I will knit you a pair Brenda! What colour do you want. (Holds out 3 balls of wool) I would say yellow. They will match your teeth. (Cackles)
LUKE: Here Nana! Andrew is desperate for one of those woolly hats with rapunzel plaits.
ANDREW GLARES DAGGERS AT LUKE.
ANDREW: Luke wants some of those gloves with dolls for fingers.
MARY: Right consider it done. (Takes out her needles)
CHARLEY: Have you ever knitted a hat for a serial killer?
Scene closes
Opens again as they all gather in the conservatory. Everybody gets out their gifts for Peter.
LUKE: Sorry Dad. Had a skint month. I will make it up to you next year.
PETER: You say that every year. I don’t know what you do with all your money.
LUKE: Mostly Dad I pay rent, bills & eat.
PETER: When I was your age I had a family of 6 to support. Well 5, Apryl came later. I worked 2 jobs & went without everything. Somedays I even went without a proper meal so you kids never went without. Once for dinner I had baked bean on plate.
ANDREW HANDS LUKE A TENNER
MARY: Kids! They don’t even know they are born. I went without all the time for my kids. We couldn’t even afford luxuries like plates. We ate out of tins & packets.
LUKE (To Peter) Well it's not the present. It's the thought. And I thought about getting you something really expensive.
ANDREW: (Hands Peter a present) Here dad. Hope you enjoy this.
PETER (Peter unwraps it) Oh it’s a CD. (Reads CD) Dance Anthems! Are they Irish folk. I like Irish folk?
ANDREW: (To Apryl) Can I use your PC. (Takes the CD) I am as well burning this!
PETER: (Shocked) No don’t do that. I told you I like Irish Folk!
JACK: This is from me & Kyle, Grandad.
PETER OPENS HIS PRESENT TO REVEAL A TORCH!
PETER: Thanks Boy’s. I will put it with my 5 others.
KYLE But it's a special one. It's solar powered.
PETER: Powered by the sun? But I need it when there is no sun.
APRYL: He has had my present already. I got him that jumper he is wearing. Turn around Dad, show everyone the back.
PETER TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL A LARGE SKULL & CROSSBONES!
APRYL: (Chuffed) Coolio or what!
ANDREW: I would go for What!
GAVIN: (Sarcastic) Where did you get it from Apryl. I want one.
MARY: I will knit you one Gavin. Your about a size FH!
GAVIN STARES QUIZICALLY AT CHARLEY
CHARLEY: It means “F**king Huge” hun!
MARY: I don’t know. I am here for a little holiday & you bunch of whip cracking bastards have forced me into slave labour! I am not black you know.
CHARLEY: Nana! No racist jokes please. Also remember I told you that Gavin is a ¼ Indian.
MARY: I just thought he was a dity bastard.
CHARLEY: (Frowning) Nana! (To Gavin) Nana is definitely not a racist.
MARY: Oh shutup! (sarcastic sorry voice)I am only having a play. (Normal voice)As long as he aint no Immigrant! Nasty stealing spongers. So Gavin, you are a ¼ Indian & you are married to a ¼ Jew. Thank god you never had babies.
PETER: (To Gavin) Mum isn’t really a racist, she just likes to shock! She has lots of Ethnic Minority friends & she has mixed race grandchildren. Her best friend is from China
MARY: Oh me & the Chink aint talking at the minute! We think he ate our cat. (Chuckles) (Slaps Gavin’s leg playfully) Jesting Dear! I am not a racist. I treat everyone the same. I don't like or trust anyone. White, green, black, purple. All the same. See him. (Points to Andrew) He is ‘The Ginger Tosser! Ginger hair scares me to death. Her (Points to Apryl) Well all I can say about that thing is Zombie.
CHARLEY: AnyWahey! Moving swiftly on. (Hands Peter his Present)
PETER UNWRAPS HIS PRESENT TO REVEAL WILLIAM ROACHES BIOGRAPHY.
PETER: (Frowning) Oh.
CHARLEY: Mum said you wanted it.
PETER: No your conniving Mother wanted it. She loves him in Correy.
BRENDA: No! You said you wanted it.
PETER: No Brenda. You said you wanted it. Dumbo!!!
MARY: Oooooh I want it. (Takes the book off Peter& sticks it in her knitting bag)
JACK: Is the heating on. I am cold?
LUKE: Yes Mum it’s freezing in here.
BRENDA: Well I am boiling.
PETER: That’s because you wear a vest, t shirt & a thick woolly jumper Dumbo.
BRENDA:. I am boiling. Are you nice & warm Andrew?
ANDREW: Actually Mum, I am Stone cold. I cant feel my feet. I may rename myself coma toes.
BRENDA: Your not cold though eh Char?
CHARLEY: (JokilyWraps her arms around herself & makes her teeth chatter) N…N …N No I would’nt use the word C …C…C.. cold
PETER LEAVES THE ROOM & REAPPEARS IN A THICK COAT, GLOVES, WELLIES & WOOL HAT.
PETER: (Blowing on & rubbing his hands) It’s only November kids!
MARY: (Cackles) I am going to bed to torture your Grandad. You lot are Fruit the loop.
MARY EXITS.
LUKE: Blimey! I am shit scared of Nana.
CHARLEY: Yeah! It is no better now than when we were small kids.
CUT TO A MEMORY SCENE.
8 year old Charley is on the sofa next to granddad. Nana is sitting on an armchair, knitting away. There is a big open tin of chocolate biscuits on the coffee table. Sun seems to be shining out of them. Enticing music is playing from the tin. Charley is licking her lips.
CHARLEY: Please Nana may I have a biscuit?
MARYClickety click) : Those that ask don’t get.
Silence from charley, who stares hypnotically at the biscuits.
MARY: And….Those that don’t ask don’t want.
Charley pouts, folds her arms & continues to stare at the biscuits
WILLIAM: Did you want a biscuit Charley?
CHARLEY: I don’t know how best to answer that question Grandad..
WILLIAM: Have yourself a biscuit Dear.
Charley reaches for the tin. The clickety clicking noise has stopped. You can hear a pin drop in the room, Mary is glaring over her glasses.
CHARLEY: (Scared) Erm! No thank you Grandad. (sits back in the chair, arms folded across her chest)
GRANDAD: I will go & get you a piece of cake.(Grandad goes off into the kitchen & returns with a mouthwatering chocolate slice)
MARY (Clickety click) You can’t have your cake and eat it too
CHARLEY: Oh. (Charley glares at the cake sitting on the plate, licking her lips, Mary is glaring again as she knits. Her eyes boring into Charley's skull) I will maybe eat it later Grandad.
William takes some copper coins out of his pocket & hands them to Charley.
WILLIAM: Go get yourself something from the shops Dear.
MARY: (Clickety click) A penny saved is a penny gained.
CHARLEY: (Belly rumbling, glancing at nanny) It's ok Grandad, I will save this money with all the rest you have given me.
WILLIAM: How is school.
CHARLEY: Well I enjoy maths but I can't…..
MARY: (Clickity click) No such word as Can't
CHARLEY: And my friend needs……………
MARY (Clicking away furiously) A friend in need is a friend indeed.
CHARLEY: Then I tried………………
MARY: (Steam coming off her needles) No point flogging a dead horse
CHARLEY: So I then ……………………
MARY (Screeching, clicking ferociously) Children should be seen & not heard.
CHARLEY (Eyes welling up) What time is dad coming to pick me up?
MARY: (Clickety click) Time waits for no man. Not a single fooker.
Charley sits sadly on the sofa, sucking her thumb watching nana’s snooker, listening to clickety clicking in the background getting louder and louder to the point of almost driving Charley mad. Her belly is screaming.
CHARLEY’S DAD ARRIVES TO PICK HER UP.HE IS DRESSED IN HIS 70’S GEAR. ALMOST TRIPPING OVER HIS BURGUNDY FLARES.
MARY: Now Peter, I must have a word with you about your daughter.
PETER: Has she been naughty,( glares at Charley).
MARY: Not at all. But that child hardly speaks, she doesn’t eat. I am worried to death.
CUT BACK TO PRESENT DAY.
PETER: Right. I think it is bed time for everyone.
LUKE: (Shocked) Dad it is only 7pm.
PETER: Really. Seems later. Well it is in Australia. Ok lights out by 11pm.
KYLE: Jesus it is like being back in the Barracks
END SCENE!!!
INT
EVERYONE IS GETTING READY FOR BED! CHARLEY & GAVIN HAVE THE SOFA BED IN THE LOUNGE. THEY ARE JUST GETTING SNUGGLED UP WHEN MARY SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT & WALKS THROUGH IN HER CURLERS & NIGHTIE.
MARY
omeone has pissed the bed! Well one of us did but I am dry. Unless I hitched my nightie up & pissed all over your Grandads crotch.
GAVIN: Ewwwwwww
CHARLEY: Ok I will find you some clean sheets.
GAVIN: Better get a plastic sheet.
MARY Your father Charley, has about 8 layers of sheets on that bed. Now what with your granddads accident I feel like Princess & the Pee.
WILLIAM WALKS THROUGH IN HIS PJ’S
WILLIAM Mary I just dropped my glass of water. Come back to bed.
MARY Clumsy old Jewdrop. I thought you had pissed yourself again. Good night you two and behave yourselves. You're not under your own roof now.
William & Mary leave the room and switch off the light.
CHARLEY: Night nana.
GAVIN: I don't think I could now even if I wanted to.
CHARLEY: What's that supposed to mean?
GAVIN: Well - in someone else's living room.
CHARLEY: I mean "even if you wanted to"
CHARLEY: Bastard. Your no Colin Farrell yourself. More Colin Barrell. (Charley smacks him in the nether regions)
GAVIN: Well at least I don’t look like a horse.
CHARLEY: And you're definitely not hung like One. Goodnight George Balooney.
CUT TO
EARLY NEXT MORNING.
MARY IS UP FIRST & GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. CHARLEY & GAVIN CAN HEAR HER CLANGING ABOUT. CHARLEY GETS OUT OF THE SOFABED, PUTS ON A ROBE & GOES TO SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING
MARY: I am putting the gas on. I am playing a game.
CHARLEY: (Confused) Ok.
MARY GOES INTO THE BEDROOM & SLIDES INTO BED, NEXT TO WILLIAM. SHE SHAKES HIM AWAKE.
MARY: William wake up. I smell gas.
WILLIAM JUMPS OUT OF BED & SNIFFS THE AIR
WILLIAM: Come on you Nazi bastards.(Throwing his fists about in the air)
BRENDA & PETER AWAKEN & RUN OUT OF THEIR BEDROOMS
PETER: I smell gas. There is a gas leak. Someone call the gas board. We are going to blow.
CHARLEY TURNS THE GAS OFF & OPENS ALL THE WINDOWS
BRENDA: No one touch the switches! You will kill us all.
WILLIAM: Your surrounded you Nazi bastards. Do you hear me. Surrounded. You couldn’t gas me then & you won’t gas me now. (Shakes his fists)
MARY: Ooooh! It’s the Holocaust all over again. William they are going to make me choose. Like on Sophie’s Choice. (Shakes William) Who do I choose. The useless grandchildren or the loony son.
PETER WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN & NOTICES CHARLEY THERE.
PETER: You left the gas on did’nt you. Silly cow you could have killed us all.
CHARLEY : Me? Why do you think that?
PETER : You always forget things. Like to get somewhere on time.
MARY APPEARS & PLACES HER HAND AROUND HER SON PETER. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD & TUTS AT CHARLEY.
CUT TO
BRENDA IS DUSTING. SHE GETS TO THE COFFEE TABLE WITH PETERS 8 MOBILE PHONES SPREAD ACROSS IT.
BRENDA: Pete what am I supposed to do with these 8 mobile phones. They are spewed all over the coffee table. There is no room for coffee now. You have brought 8 mobiles in 8 months. Why?
PETER: They're all for different things. I've got one that does email and texts, one with a camera, one that I use for work, one that I use to confuse people because they don't recognise the number.
GAVIN (under his breath to Charley) And one for his mistress.
CHARLEY: His mistress? Why would you even say such a thing? Is that what you do? Is that why you said it?
GAVIN : I was only joking.
CHARLEY : I'm getting a metal detector to check you for mobies next time you go out.
PETER : Right - anyone coming to the supermarket?
EVERYONE DECLINES - EITHER IGNORING HIM OR SAYING "PISS OFF"..
PETER: Okay I will take three volunteers. You Brenda, Charley & Apryl. After all - shopping is girls work.
MARY : What am I then? Chopped liver?
Gavin goes to say something
CHARLEY: Don't you dare.
BRENDA: (Holds up all the phones) What one are you taking?
PETER: I am going to see what ones they have on offer in the supermarket.
BRENDA: You are not having any more! I need a corkscrew. I am opening wine with my fricking teeth.
PETER : There's a brand new Swiss Army phone with corkscrew attachment.
APRYL (Sighs) We are going to get this all the way there & all the way back again.
CUT TO PETER IS DRIVING AROUND THE MULTI STOREY CAR PARK.
PETER: I hate this country. You pay taxes after taxes. £1.50 to park & there is no spaces.
Apryl & Charley wave at all the spaces as he drives past.
BRENDA: There is a space. Oh no it is a disabled.
PETER: Typical. The ones with no legs who are (Sarcasticaly) Unable to work, get their own spaces. I have worked for 44years & what thanks do I get. None! I tell you why. Cause I have my legs.
CHARLEY: Many disabled people work Dad
PETER: Yes Charley they do. I work harder though. (Ranting) I will be expected to work twice as hard as a person without working legs. I will do the same job at twice the speed yet get paid less, what with their added benefits. But do I get a space! (Snorts) NO!!!!
CHARLEY:There are other forms of disability besides losing the use of your legs. Anyway I think disabled people would rather have the use of their legs than a car parking space Dad.
BRENDA: You never know Charley. Some disabled people pretend to be wheelchair bound. Remember that case, it was on the TV wasn’t it. What programme was that on Apryl.
APRYL: I have no idea Mum.
BRENDA: Oh come on, that guy who pretended to be disabled & was wheelchair bound, then when his carer went out of the room, or turned his back for a minute, he was running & jumping & swimming.
APRYL: Little Britain!
BRENDA: Yes that’s it. It was Little Britain Charley. A documentary about Liars.
CHARLEY & APRYL SNIGGER IN THE BACK..
PETER: Ah - there's a space.
CHARLEY: No dad - that's mothers and babies.
PETER: Well you're our baby aren't you? Doesn't say how old you have to be.
Peter just manages to get in the space when a parking attendant comes up and looks at him with disgust.
ATTENDANT: You can't park there.
PETER: Where can I park then? I'm an ethnic minority you know. White, married, heterosexual, able-bodied, tax-payer. There's not many of us left you know.
CHARLEY: Right dad. We'll see you in the shop.
Charley Brenda and Apryl leave Peter arguing.
CUT TO PETER,CHARLEY, APRYL & BRENDA RETURNING HOME. PETER GRABS CHARLEY FOR A QUIET WORD IN HER EAR AS THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR
PETER: I need your help later. I want you to order me something off the Wide Web World. It is a surprise for your Mother.
CHARLEY: Did you not spend enough on those earings Dad. I mean £1.50 is a fortune.
PETER:This is for when your Mother passes her driving test. It’s to show I take her passing (rolls his eyes) - eventually - seriously. It is also for her own safety.
CHARLEY: What is it then. A car with no wheels?
PETER: No it is a “Have Peace of mind doll”.
CHARLEY (Puzzled) A what?
PETER: “Have Peace of Mind doll”. You know one of those blow up men that you sit in the passenger seat so it looks like a woman has company & is not all alone.
CHARLEY: Are you serious?
PETER: (Exasperated) I know you kids don’t give a shit about your mother & I. All you care about is your inheritance. You would most likely be overjoyed to find out your mother was dragged from her car & mutilated to death.
CHARLEY: And a blow up man will protect her from that, HOW!! Stare at him & make him feel uneasy to death?
PETER: Look will you order it for me or what you sarcastic Bitch?
CUT TO
CHARLEY & GAVIN ARE OUTSIDE HAVING A CIGGIE
CHARLEY:By the way, I was talking with the girls, last week & I became aware of the fact, that we have a really shit sex life.
GAVIN:Yes we do.
CHARLEY: Why. Don’t you fancy me anymore?
GAVIN. Of course darling. I fancy you getting me out of this nut house. I fancy you letting me out with my mates more too.
CHARLEYHands on hips) So you can f**k other women.
GAVIN
h thank you Honey. I may take you up on that. (Rubs her head)
CHARLEY
lease be serious. I need more exciting sex. Candy from work, had an orgasm in the kitchen.last week, while the kids were upstairs.
GAVIN: So! Last week I had 2 orgasms in the computer room while you hoovered outside. it. Na! (Pokes out his tongue)
CHARLEYFuming)How could you do that?
GAVIN: Well I downloaded some lesbian porn from the PC and I watched this particularly horny scene where this woman was shoving her…..…..
CHARLEY: (Screams at him) Arsehole!!!!
GAVIN: No Charley I am not really into them.
CHARLEYo you prefer a wank to sex with me.
GAVINometimes yes.
CHARLEY: Why! Whats wrong with me. What does your hand have that this doesn’t. (Pulls up her skirt)
GAVIN:Grip!
JACK WALKS OUTSIDE TO JOIN THEM.
CHARLEY: Your stepdad is a real live wanker. (Storms indoors)
BRENDA IS MAKING SOME LUNCH FOR EVERYONE. THE REST OF THE FAMILY ARE ALL IN THE LIVINGROOM WATCHING TV.
MARY: Is everyone coming for my baby boy’s 60th tonight then Peter.
PETER: Yep. Loads of people. You will have all your kids together again mum.
MARY: (Fluffs Peter’s hair) (Sarcastic) Awwwww! I cant wait. All 7 of them. Including the thief, the religious one & the one that lives like a homo.
WILLIAM: Hobo Mary. He is an Eco- Warrior.
MARY: Warrior! (Snorts) That boy would scream his balls off if you trod on his feet. By Accident!
ANDREW: I like Uncle David. He is a great character.
MARY: (Snorts again) I blame myself. (Eyes well up with tears). I used to let the pikies at the local fair look after him see. He made friends with them. I remember his little toddler sprint & his little mal-nourished arms flap about with glee when they were in town
WILLIAM: Yes he stayed with them a lot.
MARY: Put a healthy boy in with the fairy’s & he becomes a homo.
WILLIAM: Hobo Mary.
LUKE: My favourite is Uncle Mike.
MARY: Thief!!! Do you know he was off on holiday, taking your Grandad & I along too, but had not reserved any accommodation? We stopped off on the M25 Services & he nicked us a caravan. We were appalled weren’t we William.
WILLIAM NODS
MARY: Very comfortable though I must say. We had 3 good nights in that before the police came.
CUT TO LATER THAT AFTERNOON..
PETER: Charley lets get this (Whispers) Doll sorted out eh!
CHARLEY & PETER ARE AT THE PC
PETER: Right I have to goggle it.
Peter spends 15 minutes tapping away with one finger Eventually an image appears on screen.
CHARLEY (Busts out laughing) Dad that is not a “Have Peace of Mind doll” that is a “Have a Piece of mine Doll”. I mean just look at it. It’s naked for one.
PETER: Yes well I put him in my clothes to make it more authentic. I can even pick his size to fit me. Small, Medium, Large or X Large. I am a medium.
CHARLEY : You'd have to be to get any sense out of him.
PETER : I'd think twice, wouldn't you?
CHARLEY: Look at his mouth dad. I mean look at it. It’s hanging open. Wide!!!!
PETER: Well that’s because they have to sit next to women drivers. He is scared.
CHARLEY: And the point of that is? (Points at the large plastic penis)
PETER: (Shrugs) To add more authenticity.
CHARLEY: So the rapist & Murderer that is going to kidnap mum, will realise, that (Points to the gaping mouthed doll) is not a plastic doll because when
using his X Ray vision, he duly notes a medium sized plastic Penis.
PETER: No Dumbo. The rapist will see the doll. Think it is a man & not try to fornicate with your mother against her will. Gosh!
CHARLEY; It is a sex doll dad. It’s for bi-curious or gay men & possibly really really ugly women.
PETER:Your mother is really really ugly.
Charley : Do you really want to order that Dad. (Laughing)
PETER: Not now. You have put me off you selfish bitch.
CLOSE SCENE
INT
EVERYONE IS GETTING READY TO GO TO THE HALL FOR PETERS 60TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
MARY: Where is my hair?
ANDREW: Erm! On your head Nana.
LUKE: I found some down the plughole Nana.
MARY: I want my Dusty Springfield today. I always wear that on big occasions.
BRENDA: I can’t see to do my mascara. If I take my glasses off I am blind. I can't put on mascara when I can't see what I am fooking doing.
CHARLEY: Put your contacts in then.
BRENDA: I can't find them.
PETER: I'll do your mascara for you love.
BRENDA: No way. Last time you did that everyone said I looked like Chi Chi.
ANDREW Who's Chi Chi?
CHARLEY: Oh don't panda to him mum.
PETER: Where is my shirt Brenda.
BRENDA : Which shirt?
PETER: You know - my favourite one. The Hawaiian one.
LUKE: You can't wear that dad. It's embarassing.
PETER: Look - I'm your dad. That's what I'm here for. To embarrass my children. After all - it is my party. So where is it Bren?
BRENDA: In the doo daa.
PETER: Charley can you get my shirt from the doo daa.
CHARLEY: Whats a doo daa
BRENDA: Oh you know. It is next to the thingamyjig.
CHARLEY: (Exasperated) Washing machine, ironing basket? Come on someone help me here.
BRENDA. Oh for f**k sake. It is by the whatnot. (Huge sigh) Oh never mind I will get it myself.
BRENDA WALKS THROUGH TO THE LIVINGROOM & OPENS A BAG. SHE PULLS OUT THE SHIRT.
Brenda: (To Charley) See I told you it was there.
APRYL: (Shouting) I am out of black lipstick.
MARY: Shut yer lips in a door then.
KYLE: Where is the iron?
MARY : He hasn't arrived yet.
LUKE: Probably in the Doo Daa!
WILLIAM: My braces are broke. My trousers won’t stay up.
MARY: (Pops her head around the door) Just a little idea I had. No idea where I got it from. How about you use a (SHOUTS) Fooking belt.
MARY SCRAMBLES IN THE SUITCASE
MARY: Here where this would jew.(Hands him a belt)
KIM: Andrew I have forgotten my makeup bag.
LUKE: Use some of Apryls. Infact Apryl is great at putting makeup on. Go & ask her.
GAVIN: (Rubbing his head) Charley I am going outside for a ciggie. I will be back in half an hour.
JACK(To Gavin) I am coming with..
APRYL ADDS THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO KIM'S MAKEUP. SHE THEN TAKES A HANDFULL OF THE TIGHTS KIM IS WEARING & RIPS BIG HOLES IN THEM.
APRYL SWINGS KIM AROUND TO HAVE A LOOK.
CLOSE UP OF AN AWFUL 34 YEAR OLD GOTH/80’s CHIC
BRENDA APPEARS WITH HER BLUE EYESHADOW ON TOO THICK & DODGY.
WILLIAM APPEARS WEARING A SWASHSTICKA BELT
END EPISODE
Yes zooo it should. I shall change now.
And I'd love to read it, but I don't have the time, but I'll read bits and bobs. Which you can do in Celtx and brake the scenes down.