Spirit

Spirit
 
 
Friday Night With Jonathan Ross . He is talking to the audience at the start of the show.
 
Ross
 
...and talking of sodomy , here are four men who regularly bend over backwards to please their fans ...
 
Wild laughter from the audience.
 
...Four Poofs And A Piano!
 
Four Poofs
 
Singing
 
We are so gay it makes us wince
 
Cause all we do is sing this mince...
 
Cuts to
 
Sound of a remote control click then camera's POV a middle aged couple sitting in a suburban living room in front of the television . Ken is pointing the remote at the set .
 
Ken
 
We're definitely not watching that ! Filth! Let's see what else is on, Margaret .
 
Margaret
 
Oh this looks nice . It's the lovely little disabled people . They're doing a lovely comedy sketch .
 
We hear muffled voices from the television .
 
Ken
 
Brave!
 
Margaret
 
Very brave. Wonderful spirit . I tell you , I bet that young girl there is so brave that if you asked her to climb Mount Everest in her wheelchair  with no oxygen or climbing ropes and things she'd do it , no question .
 
Ken
 
Of course she would , Margaret . No doubt about it . Great spirit. See that big blind chap there ...him there who's dressed like a woman , the spit of John Inman he is.
 
They both laugh as the camp performer speaks
 
Ooh ducky!There's no way I'm putting that in my mouth.
 
Sound of canned laughter from the TV.
 
Ken and Margaret laugh again .
 
 If you asked him to climb into a cage full of tigers that hadn't been fed for a week , I bet you he'd do it . No questions . He'd do it. So brave.
 
Margaret
 
Definitely! Great spirit.
 
They continue watching for a bit longer.
 
Ken
 
Did you hear that? He said f**k ! F**k!
 
Margaret
 
Switch it over quickly , Ken . We're not listening to that sort of thing. I mean ...f**k!
 
Fades
 
 

I'm going to start the ball rolling and critique this myself.How dare you try and so-called write a so-called comedy sketch where you mention disabled people!I once spoke to a disabled person at a bus stop who was a very nice not to mention brave person for standing at a bus stop.I couldn't understand anything he said because he was either pished or couldn't speak very well.Come to think about it I think he was just pished but anyway how dare you write about disabled people , you complete and utter bastard.Obviously this is a completely oblective critique and I do hope it improves your execrable writing. Signed A Wellwisher,Penge.

Objective.Doh!

More that it's again a dated boring subject.

You're wasting good will by churning out your back catalogue.

And secondly I can't really work out what the second half is really about.

Jaicee, as I've already said, you write dialogue extremely well. That is a talent, and I for one am envious of it.

I think it is a matter of finding what you want to say and putting a fresh spin on it. What do you find ridiculous or irritating today? How can that be twisted to produce a great sketch? Once you've worked that out, I think you are going to write something really really good.

SootyJ I don't need, want or ask for your goodwill.Are you a 6th former or first year student?You think disability is a dated and boring subject?To whom?You?Don't try and speak for the grown-ups on this site.They can speak for themselves.Concentrate on you writing something that is even slightly good, that has one bit of wit in it, has sentences in it that haven't been constructed by an 8 year old who is learning English for the first time then start being an amazing critic.You obviously spent far more time and energy doing your critique of Jennie's sitcom scenes than you did on your own efforts. Her writing is in a different league from yours .Don't be silly.A superior writer being "critiqued" by a much inferior one.Jesus H Christ! If you can't work out what this sketch is about you are dim.It's about people being silly and patronising towards disabled punters ie. assuming they are either helpless or heroes.They are neither.They are just people.Here endeth the sermon.Go in peace.

Skirting swiftly past the little spat, I'd say the brave little chap angle was very good, you did it nicely. I thought the Ross intro was pointless, and odd gfiven your previous sketch abotu Ross the other day, so I'd start from "Rubbish, what's on the other side?" or whatever.

Didn't really understand the end of the sketch - is it referencing some TV show that I've never heard of? If so, fine, carry on; if not, I was confused, and it took the wind out of a nice observation for me.

Enjoyed your self critique, the sketch was ok.

Quote: Jaicee @ July 15 2013, 5:28 PM BST

SootyJ I don't need, want or ask for your goodwill.Are you a 6th former or first year student?You think disability is a dated and boring subject?To whom?You?Don't try and speak for the grown-ups on this site.They can speak for themselves.Concentrate on you writing something that is even slightly good, that has one bit of wit in it, has sentences in it that haven't been constructed by an 8 year old who is learning English for the first time then start being an amazing critic.You obviously spent far more time and energy doing your critique of Jennie's sitcom scenes than you did on your own efforts. Her writing is in a different league from yours .Don't be silly.A superior writer being "critiqued" by a much inferior one.Jesus H Christ! If you can't work out what this sketch is about you are dim.It's about people being silly and patronising towards disabled punters ie. assuming they are either helpless or heroes.They are neither.They are just people.Here endeth the sermon.Go in peace.

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You're the person who hoiks up disability. (I just realised you thought I meant disabilty, oops no its your dreary obsessing with Jonathon Ross, what gives?)

Again

And again.

Were you frightened by a disabled person as a child/?

And dragging in another writer into your thread? Oh dead that smacks of a writer who has little confidence in their material.

Still at least that means you have some idea of your own failings.

When you have the confidence to explore them, I'm happy to help.

Quote: Jaicee @ July 15 2013, 5:28 PM BST

SootyJ I don't need, want or ask for your goodwill.Are you a 6th former or first year student?You think disability is a dated and boring subject?To whom?You?Don't try and speak for the grown-ups on this site.They can speak for themselves.Concentrate on you writing something that is even slightly good, that has one bit of wit in it, has sentences in it that haven't been constructed by an 8 year old who is learning English for the first time then start being an amazing critic.You obviously spent far more time and energy doing your critique of Jennie's sitcom scenes than you did on your own efforts. Her writing is in a different league from yours .Don't be silly.A superior writer being "critiqued" by a much inferior one.Jesus H Christ! If you can't work out what this sketch is about you are dim.It's about people being silly and patronising towards disabled punters ie. assuming they are either helpless or heroes.They are neither.They are just people.Here endeth the sermon.Go in peace.

View original

Oh dear.

Jaicee.
You are going the right way to not be critiqued at all.

I have no axe to grind with you but being constantly contemptuous to people who have taken time to read your material and give their opinion is not the way to go.

I'll say no more.

Usually Jaicee I'd be a lot harder on you, but you've been an amiable enough guy and I'm always glad to see someone putting some life back into critique.

Critique is a funny old beast. Some people who are just getting started and just want something in news revue or news jack use it to sharpen up. Some times a sitcom writer on the way to actually going somewhere pops in for a few weeks to get some free, inexpert feedback.
There's even a few conventionally highly succesful writers who use it as a sort of free anonymous gallery. Me personally these days I use it to share some elaborate and unworkable gags to hopefully amuse and keep my skills sharp.

I suspect on some level it's the most beloved thread on this forumn and one of the oldest.

If you're getting flack it's because you're abusing it a little. Using it to show off your back catalogue, is no bad thing. But if you're just turning out individual postings without listening or adjusting and then snapping back at people you're just going to lose friends. Which is always a shame. You've got potential but you're writing has some deep flaws that you could correct. You can make it from Stonybridge to Trainspotting.

Hi Jaicee,

If you are not really looking for anyone to critique your stuff why not post it on showcase instead?

playfull

Quote: sootyj @ July 16 2013, 10:13 AM BST

Me personally these days I use it to share some elaborate and unworkable gags to hopefully amuse.

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Which they do a lot of the time. The ones that don't are commeted on by others but Sootyj does not take offence. A lesson there perhaps?