Sadly this was topical when I wrote it a couple of years back.Now it's like making jokes about the Titanic.Apologies to anybody who rolls their "Rs", by the way .Maybe you should stop wearing such high heels.Joke from the Scottish Ark-originally written in Pictish.
SCRIPT MEETING
Int. Afternoon . Writers sitting round a desk . They have laptops , pens and paper .
Scriptwriter One
How about a character with ...
Looks expectantly at the others .
... a speech impediment .
Producer
I'm not sure about that . A bit iffy .
Scriptwriter Two
Easy to get it wrong , I think...
Scriptwriter One
It'll work I tell you . Here it is . You've got a guy with a comedy speech impediment , right?
There's a laugh there straight away . Yes?
Producer
Mmmm!
Scriptwriter One
Right , get this! He's got a mate who you're not sure which way he swings .
Producer
Gay? No , gay's a bit iffy as well now . I'm not sure ...
Scriptwriter One
No! No! No!
That's why I've written him as a bit ...indeterminate in his...orientation .
Anybody complains about it we say ...No , he's definitely not gay . He just ...pretends to be so he can pull loads of totty.
Scriptwriter Three
Do you think that works?
Scrptwriter One
Of course , it does . They're two strong comedy characters.
Scriptwriter Three
No , I mean pretending to be gay to attract women . Is that what they're all doing in gay clubs, then?
Scriptwriter One
I don't know !
Looks at the producer.
Can I continue ?
Producer nods.
Right , so the comedy speech impediment guy ...he phones up this old boy , right?
This line's as funny as f**k . Just listen to this! He says ...
Laughs at his own joke
" I skwueed the arse of your gwand-daughter !"
Can't pronounce his "Rs" .
Laughs again as if the words are too funny to say .
And then he says ...wait for it!
" And so did my mate Wussell!"
Because his mate's called Russell and he can't pronounce his "Rs" .
And then , the killer line is that the old boy says
"Que?"
Get it ?
Scriptwriter Three
What does "K" mean ? That's just a letter . It doesn't make sense .
Scriptwriter One
It's ...Spanish ! The old boy speaks Spanish so he can't understand them , anyway , so it was a wasted phone call .
Brilliant , eh?
Eh?
Producer
So let's get this straight . You've got a guy with a comedy speech impediment . His mate who pretends to be gay to pull women or is that a double bluff ? They make obscene phone calls to elderly people who can't understand them because they're Spanish . No , no!
I just don't believe it . There has to be some basis in reality for this stuff . Too far fetched .
The characters must be identifiable to the audience .
Bin it!
Fades
