Here you go. A bit long
Please help. Does this keep you engaged? If not where does it fall down.
Thanks
HOME
Episode 1 - "WELCOME"
FADE IN:
SCENE 1. EXT. COMMUNITY HALL - DAY
WITH AN ANNOYED LOOK, NEIL, THE HALL'S MAINTENANCE MAN, STANDS WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED. CHRIS, A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN APPEARS NEXT TO HIM.
CHRIS
Oh!
CHRIS TILTS HER HEAD.
CHRIS
Kids! You've got to love them.
NEIL
Yeah, with eggs, bacon and a fried slice.
CHRIS WALKS AWAY AS NEIL PICKS UP A BUCKET AND SCRUBBING BRUSH.
ON THE WALL IS GRAFFITI OF A BADLY DRAWN STICK-MAN. UNDERNEATH ARE THE WORDS "BANKSY WHO!"
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. EXT. HALL ENTRANCE - DAY
CHRIS STICKS A "PLYMOUTH BACK TO LIFE GROUP" POSTER TO THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. HALL - DAY
ANNE, A PLUMP ELDERLY WOMAN, STIRS A LARGE POT OF SOUP. CHRIS BUTTERS BREAD.
IN THE DISTANCE IS AN EMPTY TABLE SURROUNDED BY EIGHT CHAIRS. IN THE MIDDLE IS A SMALL PILE OF CUTLERY, A JUG OF WATER AND A STACK OF PLASTIC CUPS.
THE MAJOR, AN ELDERLY MAN, DRESSED IN A BLAZER AND CRAVAT WALKS IN AND TAKES OFF HIS HAT.
THE MAJOR
Good evening Chris... Anne.
CHRIS
You alright Major?
THE MAJOR
Yes, I'm good thanks. (TO ANNE) I didn't expect to see you here tonight. I thought Eric would be taking you out for your anniversary?
ANNE
So did I but sadly not.
CHRIS
How come?
ANNE
Well, he went to the car boot last weekend --
CHRIS
He isn't still there, is he?
ANNE
No. He went to get eggs from the egg man but forgot and came back with a matchstick model kit.
CHRIS
Oh.
ANNE
Oh indeed. He hasn't come out of his shed since.
THE MAJOR
What's he making?
ANNE
A rocket. Normally I wouldn't mind not seeing his miserable mug but the grass's up to my waist, the tortoise hasn't been fed in a week, and Josh is having to take out the bins.
CHRIS
Your grandson Josh?
ANNE
Yes.
CHRIS
But, he's only three years old.
ANNE
I know. Actually, there is a plus side.
CHRIS
Is there?
ANNE
Yes... at least he's stopped bugging me for a threesome.
VERA, A PLAIN LOOKING ELDERLY WOMAN LIMPS INTO THE HALL.
VERA
Evening Chris... Anne.
VERA IGNORES THE MAJOR WHO IGNORES HER.
VERA (CONT'D)
What's the soup tonight?
ANNE
Your favourite.
VERA
Mushroom and onion?
SILENCE.
ANNE
Your other favourite.
VERA
Minted lamb?
SILENCE.
ANNE
Erm... the Major's favourite?
THE MAJOR
Braised Beef?
SILENCE.
ANNE
Country chicken.
THE MAJOR
Is there chicken in it this time?
ANNE REMOVES THE LID AND LOOKS IN THE POT.
ANNE
There is.
THE MAJOR
In that case I'll have a bowl too.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. INT. HALL - DAY
THE MAJOR AND VERA SIT AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE TABLE.
DANNY, A SCRUFFY, YOUNG MAN WALKS INTO THE HALL AND LOOKS NERVOUSLY AROUND.
CHRIS NOTICES DANNY AND APPROACHES HIM.
CHRIS
(SMILING) Hi, you must be Danny.
DANNY
Erm... yes. Danny, Danny Simpson.
CHRIS
Well, Danny, Danny Simpson (HOLDING OUT HER HAND) I'm Chris.
DANNY LIGHTLY SHAKES CHRIS' HAND.
DANNY
It's just Danny.
CHRIS
I know. Take no notice of me I'm just teasing. So, it was Dr Gill who referred you?
DANNY
He said that you're a group set up to help people who have become a little withdrawn and isolated.
CHRIS
Yeah, we like to think we provide an environment where everyone has value and support. We want a friendly place where everyone knows your name.
DANNY
A bit like home.
CHRIS
Yes, a bit like home. (SMILING) I like that analogy. It's so easy to lose your way.
DANNY
Dr Gill thought it would be good for me to come here.
CHRIS
And I'm glad he did. Your referral letter said that your mum passed recently.
A LITTLE TEAR APPEARS IN DANNY'S EYES. CHRIS GENTLY PUTS HER HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.
CHRIS
Don't worry Danny, you'll love it here.
CHRIS TAKES DANNY OVER TO ANNE.
CHRIS
Danny... Anne... Anne... Danny.
ANNE
Hi Danny. Chris told me you were coming tonight.
CHRIS
Anne's our resident cook.
ANNE
For my sins.
CHRIS
And for your wonderful soup. (TO DANNY) We wanted a focal point within the group so the committee had a brainstorm and came up with this.
ANNE
The soup was my idea.
CHRIS
No it wasn't.
ANNE
It was.
CHRIS
No, it was my idea.
ANNE
Was it?
CHRIS
Yeah.
ANNE
What was mine then?
CHRIS
Poker.
ANNE
Oh yes, I remember you raised concerns about Vince getting a chip stuck up his nose.
CHRIS
Not just that. Can you image how gambling would have gone down with the health trust. (TO DANNY) Vince is another of our guests. He's a little accident-prone.
ANNE
A little! He's been struck by lightning, twice. He's fallen into the back of a bin cart and has had a toothbrush surgically removed from his ear.
CHRIS
OK, he's a lot accident-prone. (TO DANNY) You'll have to wait for the pleasure of meeting Vince. He's bought a wife off the internet and has gone to Egypt to marry her.
ANNE
Do you know how's he getting on?
CHRIS
Sadly, no I don't. Tyronne said that his plane had to make an emergency landing in Italy and that they were transferred onto a replacement bus service.
ANNE
The last I heard was that he had the squirts.
CHRIS
I hope he's OK.
ANNE
So do I, but you know Vince. So Danny, would you like a nice bowl of soup?
DANNY
No thank you.
ANNE
Are you sure? It's country chicken.
DANNY
I'm fine. I ate before I came out.
ANNE FILLS A BOWL WITH SOUP, PLACES IT ON A TRAY WITH A PIECE OF BREAD AND PASSES IT TO DANNY.
ANNE
There you go. Spoons are at the table.
DANNY
Er... Thank you.
CHRIS
Come on, I'll introduce you to the others.
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. INT. HALL - DAY
CHRIS
Major, Vera, this is Danny. He's the new guest I told you about.
THE MAJOR
Good evening Danny.
VERA
Hello.
DANNY
(NERVOUS WAVE) Hi.
CHRIS
I have some paperwork to do. Can I leave Danny in your company?
THE MAJOR
Of course. It'll be a pleasure.
VERA
Is the trust still giving you bother?
CHRIS
That's the understatement of the year. With the talk of cuts, I'm having to justify everything, even the amount of water we use to flush the toilet.
DANNY SITS DOWN BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND VERA.
CHRIS
Oh, one thing.
THE MAJOR
What's that?
CHRIS
(CHUCKLING) Don't scare him off.
VERA
But the Major's had that moustache for years.
CHRIS
Now then children. (TO DANNY) These two fell out over the colour of M&Ms. That was two weeks ago and they are still sniping at each other. Anyone would think they were married.
CHRIS WALKS AWAY LEAVING DANNY STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AWKWARD SILENCE.
THE MAJOR
So Danny, what's your story?
VERA
Leave the lad alone. He doesn't want you knowing his life.
DANNY
It's OK. I don't mind.
THE MAJOR
See... he doesn't mind.
DANNY
My mum passed away last year.
THE MAJOR
Sorry to hear that.
VERA
Yes, me too.
DANNY
I'm finding things a little hard.
VERA
Well you've come to the right place. My husband passed a couple of years ago. If it wasn't for this group I don't know where I would be.
THE MAJOR
It's been difficult since leaving the army.
VERA
Everyone here has a story to tell.
DANNY
I've thought about joining the forces.
VERA
(UNDER HER BREATH) Don't say that.
THE MAJOR STARES AT VERA.
THE MAJOR
It's a great life. Have you done anything about it?
DANNY
No. I thought about the Navy but I can't swim. I'm scared of heights so I don't fancy the Air Force.
THE MAJOR
That leaves the King's service. Get yourself along to the recruitment office first thing in the morning.
DANNY
I would but I don't like being shouted at.
THE MAJOR
Nonsense. The Army provides a career, education, money, travel, camaraderie, direction and honour.
VERA
Not to mention getting up at 5am and shitting in a plastic bag.
THE MAJOR
Don't discourage him. Being a soldier is a respectable and noble way of life.
DANNY
And, I don't much care for loud noises.
VERA
Don't worry about it. You wouldn't like the army anyway. It's full of toilet cleaners.
THE MAJOR
What utter claptrap!
VERA
That was what you said the other week.
THE MAJOR
No, it wasn't.
VERA
It was. I know I don't take much notice of the things you say but I clearly remember you talking about flushing out foreign turds.
THE MAJOR
Not turds... Turks. I was talking about the Turkish alliance with Germany in 1914.
TYRONNE, A SKINNY MAN, WITH DYED PURPLE HAIR, JUMPS THOUGH THE DOOR WEARING BRIGHT ORANGE TROUSERS, A YELLOW SHIRT AND PINK SHOES.
TYRONNE
(LOUDLY) Hi campers.
TYRONNE SKIPS TOWARDS ANNE.
TYRONNE
Hi Anne. What delights do you have today?
ANNE
Come here.
TYRONNE
What?
ANNE
Just come here.
TYRONNE MOVES CLOSER. ANNE TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF FROM WITHIN HER SLEEVE, LICKS IT THEN RUBS DIRT OFF TYRONNE'S CHEEK.
TYRONNE
Arrgh.
ANNE
That's better, you mucky pup.
TYRONNE WIPES HIS CHEEK.
ANNE
It's your favourite today.
TYRONNE
What, pea and leak?
ANNE
Is that your favourite?
TYRONNE
Yeah.
ANNE
Since when?
TYRONNE
Since forever.
ANNE
Ok, it's not your favourite.
TYRONNE
What is it then?
ANNE
Country chicken.
TYRONNE
Country chicken's good. Is there chicken in it this time?
ANNE
Yes.
ANNE LADLES SOUP INTO A BOWL.
TYRONNE
You can put a little extra in for Ron. I'll let you.
ANNE
Can't do that.
TYRONNE
Why not? You usually do.
ANNE
Do I?
TYRONNE
Yeah, all the time. You say you've seen more meat on a three stone a streak of piss.
SILENCE.
ANNE
Oh yes... so I do.
ANNE LADLES EXTRA SOUP INTO THE BOWL.
ANNE
There you go.
TYRONNE
Thank you very muchly.
TYRONNE TAKES THE SOUP AND SKIPS TO THE TABLE.
TYRONNE
Alright Vera, (IN A CAMP VOICE) Oh, hello sailor.
THE MAJOR
Soldier. Sailors are part of the Navy.
TYRONNE
Whatever.
TYRONNE NOTICES DANNY.
TYRONNE
Who's this strapping young man?
VERA
Danny. He's new.
TYRONNE
(IN A SONG) Well, hello Danny.
DANNY
Hi.
THE MAJOR
This is Tyronne. He's our resident moron.
TYRONNE
I see Major Grumps' got his head on.
VERA NODS.
TYRONNE
You've got to chill (POOR YORKSHIRE ACCENT) if there's trouble at mill.
THE MAJOR
What are you talking about?
NEIL APPEARS.
NEIL
You alright guys. You must be Danny. Chris said you were coming.
DANNY
Hi.
NEIL
I'm Neil or as Tyronne calls me, Mr Tool.
TYRONNE
Well, you are the hall's maintaince man.
NEIL
Yes... but is that what you really mean?
NEIL STARES AT TYRONNE.
NEIL (CONT'D)
Do you know when Vince's back? I have those magazines he wanted.
DANNY
Isn't he's the bloke who's gone to Egypt to get married?
TYRONNE
That's him.
VERA
How's he going?
TYRONNE
Not sure.
VERA
How come? I thought you were getting hourly texts.
TYRONNE
They stopped three days ago. I have to admit I am beginning to get a little worried. Silence isn't Vince.
NEIL
What did his last text say?
TYRONNE
Only how excited he was as he was about meeting her.
VERA
You don't think he's been kidnapped?
TYRONNE
Who knows? Anything's possible.
SOPHIE, A SLIM, PRETTY, YOUNG WOMAN APPEARS CARRYING A TRAY.
NEIL
Hi Sophie. You alright?
SOPHIE BURSTS INTO TEARS.
THE MAJOR
Boyfriend trouble?
SOPHIE NODS.
SOPHIE
Why can't I keep a man for longer than a week? What's wrong with me?
VERA
There is nothing wrong with you.
SOPHIE
There clearly is or I wouldn't have just been dumped... again.
DANNY
Maybe you're just meeting the wrong people?
VERA
Oh, this is Danny. He's new.
SOPHIE
Hi. Apparently, I smell like soap.
TYRONNE
Soap?
SOPHIE
Yeah.
THE MAJOR
Surely, that's a good thing?
SOPHIE
You would've thought so.
THE MAJOR
If I were ten years younger--
VERA
Ten! A hundred and ten more like.
THE MAJOR STARES AT VERA.
NEIL
I can't believe you're having so much trouble. I know this bloke. Clyde, his name is. He's nothing like you. He's rude, vindictive and has the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp. The girls can't get enough of him. Every time we go out, he has to take his shitty stick. I don't know what he's got.
THE MAJOR
Is that the bloke you were telling us about? The one who won twenty five million on the lottery?
NEIL
That's him.
SOPHIE
In the last year alone. I've been ditched because I wouldn't chain him up in my loft, my mum wouldn't sleep with him, the voices said to dump me. I've even had the "it's not you, it's me"... Twice.
TYRONNE
I liked the one when you were told "I like you and so does my wife".
VERA
Thank you Tyronne. That's not helping.
TYRONNE
I was only saying.
VERA
Well don't. Can't you see the poor girl's upset?
THE MAJOR
I liked--
VERA
Don't you start.
DANNY
I'm sure there's someone special out there.
VERA
Danny's right. You're young so there's plenty of time. You just may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.
TYRONNE
I know what you need. Come down town with your Aunty Tyronne on a Friday night and I'll sort you out.
NEIL
(CHUCKLING) She doesn't want her prince to wear tight t-shirts and know all the moves to YMCA.
TYRONNE
(ANNOYED) How many times do I have to tell you? I don't hint in that direction.
THE MAJOR
No, but your boyfriend does.
EVERYONE EXCEPT TYRONNE LAUGHS.
TYRONNE
Funny... Not.
THE MAJOR
Once Cupid's got you in his sights there's nothing that can stop his arrow.
SOPHIE
If only that was true.
THE MAJOR
It is. When I first met my Jean, she didn't want to know.
VERA
I can relate to that.
THE MAJOR STARES AT VERA.
THE MAJOR
After months of asking, she finally relented and said she would let me take her out but only once her rabbit learnt to yodel.
SOPHIE
What happened?
THE MAJOR
I gave her what she wanted.
SOPHIE
What do you mean?
THE MAJOR
I hid behind the hutch and yodelled.
SOPHIE
You pretended to be a yodelling rabbit?
THE MAJOR
I did.
VERA
You yodelled?
THE MAJOR
Yes, what of it?
VERA
I can't imagine you hiding in a bush yodelling.
THE MAJOR
It was a long time ago.
VERA
Clearly.
SOPHIE
Did it work?
THE MAJOR
Yes. The dozen red roses I was holding may have helped too.
SOPHIE
How romantic.
VERA
Yuck!
TYRONNE
Go on then.
THE MAJOR
What?
TYRONNE
Yodel. Show us how you impressed your Jean.
THE MAJOR
No.
TYRONNE
Who would like to hear the Major yodel?
EVERYONE PUTS UP THEIR HANDS
TYRONNE
You appear to be out-voted, five to one. On the count of three. One... Two --
THE MAJOR
No.
SOPHIE
Go on Major. Please. I would love to hear you yodel.
VERA
I thought you ex-army types didn't turn down requests from young ladies. Especially one who's just received bad news.
SOPHIE
Pretty please.
SILENCE.
THE MAJOR SUDDENLY YODELS.
TYRONNE
Your Jean fell for that.
THE MAJOR
Yes. I would like to hear you do better.
TYRONNE YODELS IN A HIGH PITCHED TONE.
NEIL
That's awful.
NEIL YODELS THEN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
NEIL
Come on Tyronne, let's duet.
NEIL AND TYRONNE YODEL. SOPHIE JOINS IN.
NEIL
Come on Vera, let's hear those lungs of yours.
VERA YODELS.
NEIL
Brilliant.
SOPHIE
Danny, your turn.
DANNY NERVOUSLY SHUFFLES ON THE CHAIR.
SOPHIE (CONT'D)
Come on Danny, join in. It's a laugh.
DANNY YODELS QUIETLY.
NEIL
Put your back into it.
DANNY YODELS LOUDER. EVERYONE JOIN IN.
CHRIS APPEARS.
NEIL
Oh, hi Chris. About that leaky tap. I was just err... getting a err... spanner. Laters.
NEIL LEAVES.
CHRIS
I need a break from those meaningless forms that the trust gets me to complete. Did you know? One of the forms has a "Not Known" answer box next to "Gender".
CHRIS SHAKES HER HEAD WITH A LOOK OF DISBELIEF.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
What's happening?
TYRONNE
We're yodelling.
CHRIS
I heard that. How come?
TYRONNE
Sophie's been dumped.
CHRIS
What again?
SOPHIE NODS.
CHRIS
Haven't you only just met him?
SOPHIE
Yes but apparently, I smell of soap.
CHRIS
Soap! That's a new one on me. Don't worry, you won't be on the shelf for long.
SOPHIE
Actually, I'm thinking of giving up trying to find a decent man and running away to become a nun.
TYRONNE
You wouldn't like the underwear.
THE MAJOR
I was saying to Sophie that Cupid works in mysterious ways.
CHRIS
He right Sophie. I have this friend, Mary, who, against all odds, married her soul mate, Billy. They met at a birthday party.
SOPHIE
Is this one of your stories?
CHRIS
It is.
SOPHIE
Oh goody. I'll make myself comfortable.
SOPHIE REPOSITIONS HERSELF IN THE CHAIR.
CHRIS
They had such a wonderful time at the party that they decided to meet again. The following weekend Billy turned up in his mum's Datsun Cherry.
TYRONNE
I had one of those. Great cars.
THE MAJOR
No they weren't. They were rust buckets.
SOPHIE
Shush. I want to hear Chris's story.
CHRIS
It was a warm summer evening so they decided to go for a drive on the moors. They talked all the way there and even got out to feed the horses. On the way home, Mary remembered that she had curry for tea so she took a packet of mints from her handbag. She was hopeful of a goodnight kiss and didn't think Vindaloo breath was a great idea.
TYRONNE
Too true but it's not as bad as Jalfrezi breath. Trust me.
CHRIS
She offered Billy a mint but he dropped it. She bent down to pick it up, then it happened.
SOPHIE
What happened?
CHRIS
(LEANING FORWARD) It popped out.
TYRONNE
(CAMP VOICE) Popped out!
SOPHIE
What popped out?
CHRIS
A trump.
THE MAJOR
A tramp!
CHRIS
Not a tramp, a trump... a fart.
THE MAJOR
Oh. I was wondering what a tramp was doing in the car.
CHRIS
Anyway, Mary didn't know what to do. It came from nowhere.
TYRONNE
I have to say, this isn't much of a love-conquers-all story. My Brenda quacks all the time. Last night she let one off just as they opened box number five on Noel's Deal or No Deal. I'm surprised they couldn't hear it in the studio.
CHRIS
But Tyronne, you don't understand. This wasn't any old toot. This was a... SBD.
THE MAJOR
What's a SBD?
CHRIS
It's short for "Silent But Deadly". Not a sound, but strong enough to take down a rhino.
THE MAJOR
Not good?
CHRIS
No. So there Mary was, with a dilemma. Should she sit up and say nothing hoping that Billy would think it was the horses or should she confess?
SOPHIE
What did she do?
CHRIS
(LOOKING AROUND) Come closer.
EVERYONE LEANS FORWARD.
CHRIS
(SUDDENLY, LOUDLY) THEN.
EVERYONE JUMPS. CHRIS LAUGHS.
VERA
Don't do that. Don't want to give the Major a heart attack. Actually...
TYRONNE
Forget that old codger, I think I've just shit myself.
TYRONNE SLOWLY STANDS.
TYRONNE (CONT'D)
Excuse me. I have to pay a visit to the boys room.
TYRONNE GINGERLY WALKS AWAY.
SNIGGERING IS HEARD.
CHRIS
Where was I?
SOPHIE
Apart from frightening us all half to death, you were about to tell us what Mary did.
CHRIS
That right. As Mary pondered she heard the dreaded words "You stink".
THE MAJOR
It was smelly then?
CHRIS
Like one of Tyronne's aftershaves.
SOPHIE
(CHUCKLING) That bad! What did Mary do?
CHRIS
She did the only thing she could have done. She said she wasn't feeling well and that she wanted to go home.
SOPHIE
What did Billy do?
CHRIS
Offered to take her to see a doctor instead.
SOPHIE LAUGHS.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
So, you see Sophie, if the deadliest SBD can't stop true love then there's hope for us all. So, has everyone made Danny welcome?
SOPHIE
Yes. We even got him yodelling.
CHRIS
Is he any good?
SOPHIE
Not bad.
CHRIS
Hey Major, Do you know what? I think I might take your advice and sell my son to the Army.
THE MAJOR
What's he done now?
CHRIS
Well...
IN THE DISTANCE, CHRIS THROWS HER ARMS AROUND AS THE GROUP LAUGH.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6. EXT. COMMUNITY HALL - NIGHT
NEIL STANDS WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED. CHRIS APPEARS NEXT TO HIM.
CHRIS
Again?
NEIL POINTS TO THE WALL ON WHICH IS A LINE OF PAINT. BELOW ARE THE WORDS "YOU HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE".
FADE OUT:
