Chips pilot

Just thought I'd post the cold opening to the sitcom I am writing

TEASER
SCENE 1: RALPH'S FISH AND CHIPS (INT; DAY)

VERONICA IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER WEARING A GREASY
WHITE COAT AND A HAIR NET AND HAT. SHE IS SITTING DOWN ON A
STOOL PLAYING MUSIC OUT LOUD ON A RADIO. A CUSTOMER WEARING
A PLAIN BLACK SUIT ENTERS.

CUSTOMER:
Excuse me.
VERONICA PAYS NO ATTENTION TO THE CHARACTER AND CARRIES ON
LISTENING TO HER MUSIC.

CUSTOMER: (CONT'D)
Excuse me!

VERONICA:
Yeah.

CUSTOMER:
I would like to place an order.

VERONICA TURNS DOWN HER MUSIC AND WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER.

VERONICA:
We're not a restaurant you know.
I'm not going to pretend to write
down what you want in a notebook
and then spend the next fifteen
minutes floating about doing crap,
completely forgetting your order
and then getting another waiter to
serve you. We don't work like that
here. You tell me what you want
here and now, I give it to you and
you walk out of that door within
two minutes. That's how chip shops
work; so, let's try this again.
What would you like?

CUSTOMER:
Sausage in batter with a portion
of chips please.

VERONICA TAKES A NOTEBOOK AND PEN OUT OF HER POCKET AND
PRETENDS TO WRITE IN IT.

VERONICA:
Okay, okay. I think I've got that
written down. Ha! I'm just messing
with you.

VERONICA PUTS HER NOTEBOOK DOWN.

VERONICA: (CONT'D)
Well, I'll just put some chips in
the fryer. It will take at least
another three minutes for them to
cook. But you look like a pretty
busy person, I'm sure you wouldn't
mind some slightly under cooked
chips. I'm sure that you have to
get back to your very important
job ASAP.
VERONICA TURNS OFF THE FRYER.

CUSTOMER:
I'm not sure that that's a very
good idea.

VERONICA:
Hey, hey! I said five minutes. I
will do everything in my power to
get you out of here in five
minutes. If I had it my way, then
it would be two minutes, but my
uncle Ralph says I have to spend
one minute of that being sociable
with the customer and the other
two minutes making sure the food
is actually cooked properly.

Hi Jack,

Welcome

You have done well to begin to establish the personality of Veronica. The issue I have is that this is the 'teaser' and I didn't really feel teased. You should have me panting for more - and I wasn't really. It's just a man ordering fish and chips.

Now if something unexpected happened whilst the ordering exchange was happening, that would make me want to watch on.

What is going to happen in the course of this episode?

Thanks for the comment
I will take it into account

This was just an extract from the teaser or 'cold opening' as some call it. You know when you watch a show and they have a scene before the titles that does not really have much to do with the main story line; this was a sort of 'Meet Veronica' scene.

Absolutely.

But the purpose of a Teaser is to keep me watching.

The Big Bang Theory do great teasers. The structure is generally:

Set up

Initial joke

Story introduced (e.g. Sheldon has tracked down Professor Proton, a childhood hero of his, and learns that he is still available for parties)

Final joke that returns to the initial joke and twists it in a new way creating a bigger laugh due to call back and twist.

Opening credits.

If you want to have a teaser without the story input, you need to make it really really funny, because it is in essence a sketch. I'm not sure this was quite funny enough to fulfill that criteria.

But I quite like the fish and chip shop idea and I want to meet more of your characters and see how they interact. It is always difficult to judge from such a small extract of script. Post more

More will be up shortly

For me, the dialogue is too wordy. A young girl serving in a chip shop would talk with short sentences and more to the point.

Just my opinion.

Best of luck

Gary